
rayc
retroreprobate
The newer mix is better but some things aren't in the same room.
The melody and phrasing have heaps of potential & the semi U2ness of the song will strike a chord with many folk.
The drums are probably the biggest issue.
The guitars are still very fizzy.
Lyrically there are problems...the sketch is thin, the images are hackneyed and cliched.
You should try to bring something new to the song &/or express yourself in something other than Hillsong style faux ecstatic empty chants and cants.
Wave & way become the same word due to your pronunciation & their proximity in the song. You need to, at least, improve your diction so that the distinction is clear OR change a word.
Plus...
I see you across the room.
You seem so lost.
that's seems ok - nothing new - eyes meet across room etc old stuff.
You believe that you are doomed.
But that is just a lie.
This makes no sense - how would you know? In a religious sense if the person doesn't believe they ARE doomed.
You've also put believe & lie in close proximity. You need a better word that believe in this post.
Wave, wave, wave to the King, He's on his way.
Way way way, to this earth. 2x
waving to a/the god who is on his/her way but out of sight/temporal space is a bit odd.
Isn't wave a rather weak analogy for accepting/believing/submitting to/tugging the forelock to etc?
Why THIS earth? Is there another?
You are loved.
I know you are.
The dark is cold.
His light so warm.
THis is a jumble of paraphrased religious cliche. You really ought to dif deep and find a form of words that express something deeper and more real.
Wave, wave, wave to the King, He's on his way.
Way way way, to this earth. 2x
To get beyond being lyrically "yet another praise song" you need to attempt to reach people with strong, new, potent images and words. Instead you have conjured up, in my head, the image of a sad someone stepping out of the corner in a drab party to wearing a blissed out smile and waving fronds in a re enactment of Palm Sunday.
The melody and phrasing have heaps of potential & the semi U2ness of the song will strike a chord with many folk.
The drums are probably the biggest issue.
The guitars are still very fizzy.
Lyrically there are problems...the sketch is thin, the images are hackneyed and cliched.
You should try to bring something new to the song &/or express yourself in something other than Hillsong style faux ecstatic empty chants and cants.
Wave & way become the same word due to your pronunciation & their proximity in the song. You need to, at least, improve your diction so that the distinction is clear OR change a word.
Plus...
I see you across the room.
You seem so lost.
that's seems ok - nothing new - eyes meet across room etc old stuff.
You believe that you are doomed.
But that is just a lie.
This makes no sense - how would you know? In a religious sense if the person doesn't believe they ARE doomed.
You've also put believe & lie in close proximity. You need a better word that believe in this post.
Wave, wave, wave to the King, He's on his way.
Way way way, to this earth. 2x
waving to a/the god who is on his/her way but out of sight/temporal space is a bit odd.
Isn't wave a rather weak analogy for accepting/believing/submitting to/tugging the forelock to etc?
Why THIS earth? Is there another?
You are loved.
I know you are.
The dark is cold.
His light so warm.
THis is a jumble of paraphrased religious cliche. You really ought to dif deep and find a form of words that express something deeper and more real.
Wave, wave, wave to the King, He's on his way.
Way way way, to this earth. 2x
To get beyond being lyrically "yet another praise song" you need to attempt to reach people with strong, new, potent images and words. Instead you have conjured up, in my head, the image of a sad someone stepping out of the corner in a drab party to wearing a blissed out smile and waving fronds in a re enactment of Palm Sunday.