Gods Glory NM

[rayc]

The newer mix is better but some things aren't in the same room.
The melody and phrasing have heaps of potential & the semi U2ness of the song will strike a chord with many folk.
The drums are probably the biggest issue.
The guitars are still very fizzy.
Lyrically there are problems...the sketch is thin, the images are hackneyed and cliched.
You should try to bring something new to the song &/or express yourself in something other than Hillsong style faux ecstatic empty chants and cants.
Wave & way become the same word due to your pronunciation & their proximity in the song. You need to, at least, improve your diction so that the distinction is clear OR change a word.
Plus...

I see you across the room.
You seem so lost.
that's seems ok - nothing new - eyes meet across room etc old stuff.
You believe that you are doomed.
But that is just a lie.
This makes no sense - how would you know? In a religious sense if the person doesn't believe they ARE doomed.
You've also put believe & lie in close proximity. You need a better word that believe in this post.

Wave, wave, wave to the King, He's on his way.
Way way way, to this earth. 2x
waving to a/the god who is on his/her way but out of sight/temporal space is a bit odd.
Isn't wave a rather weak analogy for accepting/believing/submitting to/tugging the forelock to etc?
Why THIS earth? Is there another?

You are loved.
I know you are.
The dark is cold.
His light so warm.
THis is a jumble of paraphrased religious cliche. You really ought to dif deep and find a form of words that express something deeper and more real.

Wave, wave, wave to the King, He's on his way.
Way way way, to this earth. 2x

To get beyond being lyrically "yet another praise song" you need to attempt to reach people with strong, new, potent images and words. Instead you have conjured up, in my head, the image of a sad someone stepping out of the corner in a drab party to wearing a blissed out smile and waving fronds in a re enactment of Palm Sunday.

 

[Ashway]

The newer mix is better but some things aren't in the same room.
The melody and phrasing have heaps of potential & the semi U2ness of the song will strike a chord with many folk.
The drums are probably the biggest issue.
The guitars are still very fizzy.
Lyrically there are problems...the sketch is thin, the images are hackneyed and cliched.
You should try to bring something new to the song &/or express yourself in something other than Hillsong style faux ecstatic empty chants and cants.
Wave & way become the same word due to your pronunciation & their proximity in the song. You need to, at least, improve your diction so that the distinction is clear OR change a word.
Plus...

I see you across the room.
You seem so lost.
that's seems ok - nothing new - eyes meet across room etc old stuff.
You believe that you are doomed.
But that is just a lie.
This makes no sense - how would you know? In a religious sense if the person doesn't believe they ARE doomed.
You've also put believe & lie in close proximity. You need a better word that believe in this post.

Wave, wave, wave to the King, He's on his way.
Way way way, to this earth. 2x
waving to a/the god who is on his/her way but out of sight/temporal space is a bit odd.
Isn't wave a rather weak analogy for accepting/believing/submitting to/tugging the forelock to etc?
Why THIS earth? Is there another?

You are loved.
I know you are.
The dark is cold.
His light so warm.
THis is a jumble of paraphrased religious cliche. You really ought to dif deep and find a form of words that express something deeper and more real.

Wave, wave, wave to the King, He's on his way.
Way way way, to this earth. 2x

To get beyond being lyrically "yet another praise song" you need to attempt to reach people with strong, new, potent images and words. Instead you have conjured up, in my head, the image of a sad someone stepping out of the corner in a drab party to wearing a blissed out smile and waving fronds in a re enactment of Palm Sunday.

I really loved your comment! Hehe.. I was actually smiling all the time reading it.

You are right about hillsong. I like them.. Lol. I have a hard time expressing myself even in my own language. English is even worse.. But I will certaintly try to turn the lyrics up a notch. Guess they deserve it? Or I mean the melody does. Heh

 

[mjbphotos]

The toms are still ping-ponging.
Do you have a natural vibrato in your voice? I didn't hear it during most of the song, but at the beginning I heard it and thought it was an autotune problem.

 

[rayc]

Write a lyric in your native language and then work on translating it.
That way you'll have a better template to work from. Yes, rhyming will be a hard task but you don't need to rhyme all of the way through.
You could also collaborate with someone who can assist with a sensitive translation.

 

[BroKen_H]

If I could be so bold, I see maybe a chorus that says:

Say Say Say to the King, "Be on your way.
Way Way Way to my heart."

Kind of the standard repentance/acceptance message. Again nothing new, but uses your meter and inflection.

AFA the verses, I love the second one. Just work the first out to fit a bit better.

This is brilliant. I only listened to the second mix and I did notice the toms are a bit whack. Your first line, to me, sounds like a lot of my first lines. Not warmed up and a bit pitchy
Not poking fun at you, but that's what I do often. I'm listening to my vocals and get about half way through before they sound decent. You got it by the second line! For you it will be redo the one line. For me, I usually have to retrack my vocals about four times before I get something I can work with (and I'm just doing this as a songwriter). Don't think that I'm picking on you, I'm actually picking on myself. I should learn to practice more before I try to record...

 

[Ashway]

If I could be so bold, I see maybe a chorus that says:

Say Say Say to the King, "Be on your way.
Way Way Way to my heart."

Kind of the standard repentance/acceptance message. Again nothing new, but uses your meter and inflection.

AFA the verses, I love the second one. Just work the first out to fit a bit better.

This is brilliant. I only listened to the second mix and I did notice the toms are a bit whack. Your first line, to me, sounds like a lot of my first lines. Not warmed up and a bit pitchy
Not poking fun at you, but that's what I do often. I'm listening to my vocals and get about half way through before they sound decent. You got it by the second line! For you it will be redo the one line. For me, I usually have to retrack my vocals about four times before I get something I can work with (and I'm just doing this as a songwriter). Don't think that I'm picking on you, I'm actually picking on myself. I should learn to practice more before I try to record...

That's a good idea! Thank you. You are right about my practise as well. Tobacco and no warm up.. :S

Thanks all for commenting!

 

[rayc]

Be on your way then hang until the next line could be heard as get lost so I'd re think that and re work the idea a little.
You need to ensure that the message is clear, isn't written in a way that is easily lampooned or ridiculed (by such as myself) and is as contemporary as the rest of the narrative.
Pray, pray, pray to the Boss
And invite him
In, in, into your life.

Would better match the rest of the narrative, (well probably not boss but I have extreme trouble referring to King/Lord/maker characters in general), as it doesn't revert to neo-medievalist or worse hierarchy.