Rough track....comments?

[Fat_Satchel]

I havent been writing much lately but I penned this one recently.

It's a down n dirty recording to flesh out the production so its kind of sloppy as far as quality goes...any suggestions? Does it need a bridge maybe?

Thanks for the input

http://soundclick.com/share?songid=8011181

The better part of me

A crowded darkness as I step into the light
A jaded pantomime of me
The fading shadows paint my thoughts across the walls
Hoping there’s something there you’ll see
You were always the first to smile
You were always there waiting
Waiting all the while

I don’t know why
You still feel so lonely
After all the good-byes
After all these lonely late nights
You’re still the better part of me

The show is over as the actors take their bows
You know I know my way around a stage
It’s sort of clever in an ordinary way
And you were never the less, still fooled
You were always the last to leave
Standing there alone, still applauding me

I don’t know why
You still feel so lonely
After all the good-byes
After all these lonely late nights
You’re still the better part of me

I don’t know why
You still feel so lonely
After all the good-byes
After all these lonely late nights
You’re still the better part of me

I don’t know why
You still feel so lonely

...

 

[zero00]

Hi there, i think that if you like to keep it as is it will be ok.
The think that i don't like is your lack of rime. On this kind of songs where the voice try to give a message, for me, every phrase must float to the next one and right now it's not. This is not too hard to accomplish, you already have the theme, only change some words and you'll get a pretty song.

I repeat, what you are doing is NOT wrong... my comment is based only in my taste of music.

 

[lifelyrics]

The guitar part is pretty and melodic. I had the sense that the melody of the lyrics wasn't sung to the chords of the song, somehow. Sometimes (though I know it was sung) it almost seemed spoken. I don't have good monitors, just cheap stereo headphones for my laptop, but, right at the outro, I noticed a frequency hum. I was surprised to hear that, since I usually miss a lot of things the guys around here pick up on... Maybe you could check your wav forms, and see what's going on right at the end of the song?
It seems like a nice start to a song - as you said, you're getting ready to "flesh out" the piece.
I look forward to hearing where you go with this!