Money where my mouth is

Garry Sharp

Garry Sharp

Lost Cause
I feel that lyrics on their own are of limited use, a much discussed topic. However they do tend to come at the early stage of getting a song to work, and I have also said that we should be able to use this forum just to post "sketchpads".

So here is a rehearsal tape kind of thing - it's the second song, Strange Kind of Paradise on Nowhere.

http://www.nowhereradio.com/artists/album.php?aid=4395&alid=-1

It has no finish, no beginning, no solo, and there are holes where new instrumental bits will come. The guitarist has only played it half a dozen times. But you'll get the idea of the song, which is the point. It is a very laid back, jazz kind of thing with a slow funk bass line, which is where our group seems to work best. All comments welcome.

Lyrics are used more for how they sound - there is a story in there about the singer being controlled by, getting disillusioned with, and walking out on, her man, but that's not really the point.

Lyric:

Strange Kind of Paradise

You keep telling me why, The rules are never applied
I keep playing my part, Your mind is driving my heart

Livin' on a one way street
You're calling all the shots and
Baby I'm feeling the heat

You keep saying the sky, Is nothing nearly too high
Never leaving the ground, Keeps on bringing me down

Talking all the big time dreams
I'm just waking up and
You're not all that you seem

CHORUS

Strange kind of paradise
Waiting for the day when we see the light
Strange kind of give and take
Kind of hard to tell if it's love we make

I'm out walking alone, Getting far away from home
Gypsy reading my palm, Says girl who's doing you harm?

Take a piece of my advice
Addiction to the future's
Nothing but a deadly vice

If I start living today, Who's gonna stand in my way
Step right out of the door, Say goodbye for evermore

Find myself a one way street
I can make the play I'm
Standin' on my own two feet

[CHORUS]
 
Garry,
I can't get it to play on my computer. An error message says that codecs are missing. The first file plays ok.
Don
 
Sorry Don, Nowhere Radio seems a bit funny at the moment. It plays for me but VERY slow straming. I've just swapped the file for one at a lower bitrate (it's hardly worth 192!) to see if that makes a difference.
 
It plays ok now. Since you downplay the importance of the lyric I didn't listen to words, just the sounds they made and the music behind them. First, I am assuming the first two lines are the verse and the next three lines are a lift. And that structure repeats once before each chorus.

Assuming that, this is what I think:
1. The verse sounds good
2. The lift sounds very good
3. The chorus sounds too much like the lift musically. It needs something to tell the listener that this is a different and important part of the song.
4. It takes too long to get back to the second chorus. Maybe you should consider dropping one of the verse/lift combos between the choruses.
5. Great vocal, extra great base line, great guitar (might need to be more up front in places)
6. Sonically very good recording.

I hear some places where a B3 would sound good if it didn't compete for sonic space with the rhythm guitar. I like clean, simple instrumentation like this. Good job.

Keep writing,
Don
 
Don

Thanks for going to all that trouble :)

Very helpful comments indeed - thanks again. I must admit I had simply thought of it as two verses and two choruses, but I can see how it comes over the way you describe, which just shows the value of a fresh listener. Of course at this stage it's easy to rearrange and I will think again with your comments in mind.

I think perhaps breaking the second "verse" in half, with a chorus in between probably followed by an instrumental break.

I like the B3 idea, although I don't have one! - I was starting to experiment with a piano. It does need something more. The alternative would be to layer another guitar in parts.

Anyway, thanks again - very helpful.

Garry
 
Garry Sharp said:
Don

Thanks for going to all that trouble :)

Very helpful comments indeed - thanks again. I must admit I had simply thought of it as two verses and two choruses, but I can see how it comes over the way you describe, which just shows the value of a fresh listener. Of course at this stage it's easy to rearrange and I will think again with your comments in mind.

I think perhaps breaking the second "verse" in half, with a chorus in between probably followed by an instrumental break.

I like the B3 idea, although I don't have one! - I was starting to experiment with a piano. It does need something more. The alternative would be to layer another guitar in parts.

Anyway, thanks again - very helpful.

Garry
Click to expand...
Garry, do you remember my song "Such A Shame"? It was the same chord progression throughout. The dynamics of how I sang the chorus is what helped it stand out. Just thought I'd offer that up. I liked the direction this was heading in. Don's suggestion was right on the nose as usual.







If you need it again, to reference what I was talking about:

http://www.soundclick.com/bands/3/eddiestoreymusic.htm
 
Rokket

Yes, I do remember - I think I commented on it, if memory serves. Something about Steve Earle? :) (Just listening again now, and I still think that)

Our backing singer is coming round on Sunday, I'll see if I can use her to bring a different flavour to the chorus.

Thanks for listening and commenting.

Garry
 
got it playing now,

i like....

the feel of the bass when it comes in, i quite like the lofi drum sound u have at the beginning (but i didnt on the first listen). love that little guitar bit before the vox, plus the singer has a sweet voice. "living on a one way street" when the snare comes in and picks up the tempo is my favourite bit, u gotta keep that. i also like the way it drops back to the bassline (the beginning).

i dont like.....

the chorus, and thats it. the verse is much more stronger than the chorus and though not always a bad thing, i feel that it has no hook in there whatsoever. if you can sort this then you have a really good song. i apologise if this all sounds dis-jointed but im doing it on the fly. would like to here more.
 
Thanks Cliff. The drums are no more than a metronome at this stage, haven't even begun to think about them seriously yet. Point taken re the chorus, we'll have to see if giving it more weight brings it to life. Or start again ;)
 
yeah dude i had gathered it was a sort of draft but seriously the part where it picks up is wicked, maybe you could base them around that idea!
 
Garry Sharp said:
Rokket

Yes, I do remember - I think I commented on it, if memory serves. Something about Steve Earle? :) (Just listening again now, and I still think that)

Our backing singer is coming round on Sunday, I'll see if I can use her to bring a different flavour to the chorus.

Thanks for listening and commenting.

Garry
Click to expand...
Steve Earle.. yep you remembered. I think the change in dynamics will do it, and a rewrite for the hook, as suggested...

Nice work so far, though...
 
Thanks guys. Next stage with the chorus is to se what we can do with the backing singer - she has an interesting way of bringing things alive.
 
Garry Sharp said:
Thanks guys. Next stage with the chorus is to se what we can do with the backing singer - she has an interesting way of bringing things alive.
Click to expand...
Nice. I can't wait for the repost!
 
I'm listening in headphones. I am taking Jake's comments into consideration because his ears are pretty good, even if he's a bit harsh. I am thinking that bringing the bass down a hair might help bring the rest of it out a bit more. I like the new change up, you can definitely tell the chorus now. Much improved. I agree the guitar needs a bit different reverb on it (small room) with a faster decay. I like what you've done. I can't really comment on the mic you used. It worked for me. But like I said, Jake has really good ears.
 
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