Interdimensional Sock Phenomena
I tested the interdimensional sock phenomena recording in my garage with the following gear:
ART MPTube Preamp: 2
Shure SM58s (still sound like new!).
Behringer composer compressor with 6 decibels of make up gain and a setting of 14:1 in mono mode with the key input hooked up to a secondary track recording certified world noise using WNCCMST. (World Noise Crap Compression Mid Side Technique).
Some Mongami cables.
First I tried a red sock. Cautiously, with a long stick I put the sock into the dryer. Then I used the same long stick and set the dryer to permanent press (50 minutes setting) the sock was slightly dampened using electrolytic enhanced distilled water (for effect).If you do this at home be sure to use distilled water. Anything else and you will not get enough gain. At 3 minutes I heard a loud BANG! I cautiously opened the dryer the red sock was still there slightly drier, with less electrolytes.
Then I tried a black sock. Slightly less thick, in dire need of darning. At 3:03 I heard it again BANG! This time a small flash of light accompanied the bang. The sock was again slightly drier with more or less the same amount of electrolytes.
Emboldened I tried the experiment again. This time however my scientific curiosity got away from me. I put in a black sock, red sock and my camo wool electric socks. (As seen on the Red Greene show). With a couple of fresh alkaline bateries and a little bit of linseed oil (just in case) Heart beating rapidly I waited ... 3 minutes went by, then 4, 4 minutes and 30 seconds, then at 4:37 BANG!!!!! followed almost directly by a blinding flash. I could not see anything for close to 7 seconds.
As my vision returned I saw that the whole garage was partially filled with a white smoke or haze. I was alarmed but sensed no heat or flame. What happened next was amazing...
I saw it. It was definitely a T. Rex dinosaur only it was about 18 inches tall or so. It was the same height as those promotional heinz ketchup bottles --Have you seen those ? Not the squeeze ones but the other ones. You know, the round ones that have the kind of square sides. I don't know if the a hexagonal or what they might have eight sides, is that octogonal or orthogonal ?
Anyways, I was like Whaaaaa ? and I said "what in sam hail is goin on hare ?"
To which this little promotional sized heinz ketchup bottle sized T Rex said "dude" but not like you and I would say "dude" nope, it was more like "Duuuude" and the way Aphex Twin would produce it by mangling it in a sampler when he is on drugs or something. Anyways it then kicked the dryer which was still running. After that it took a deep breath assumed a very proper stance and faced me.
It began to sing in the most lovely tenor voice. "somewhere over the rainbow ..."
I was just like .... fuck .... and I ran back to the house to get a REAL microphone my Marshall V67 and a spit screen as well. You know, the one with the mongami. An SM58 is allright for a snare drum but it just didn't do justice for an interdimesional diminutive T.Rex who also happens to be a crystal clear tenor with great posture.
Well, ya know that was a great move because just as I entered the house I hear another bang and the garage exploded. The side door came off with such velocity that it hit the side door on my house and mangled it with a resultant loud crunch that was particularly nasal in the 1 to 3 khz range.
I returned quickly with my marshall in hand and some panty hose and a hanger. There where my garage had stood was
a crater that you could park a plymouth horizon in (good thing too) filled up about 26 feet with wet socks of every concievable size, shape and color except for brown.
For a brief moment I had a precarious glimpse into this interdimensional phenomena.
Lessons learned:
Don't buy Behringer.
On a positive note. The SM58s still sound as good as they did when I bought them.
