Tortured Soul

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Nicole_Rose

Nicole_Rose

Great White North Girl
Copyright Nicole Rose/Darrel Thompson

i'd like to see what everyone thinks of these lyrics. Darrel and i have been working on this song for about 3 weeks now. :)

tortured soul


verse 1

running from visions that stalk me by night
hiding in darkness, afraid of the light
tortured and shattered and splintered and broken inside
trying my hardest to hold, onto my mind
Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh,
I want to go home
wandering aimlessly, lost in time
Trying my hardest to hold, onto what’s mine

chorus,

mangled and twisted tormented and blistered, obsessive compulsive desires
fire and brimstone, soul eating addiction, and paranoid people conspire
megalomania, alpha omega, and abnormal psychology
don’t even pretend, don’t leap off the deep end, you’ll drown in your insanity

guitar solo

verse 2

Jumping at shadows and running in fright
listening to voices, when no one’s in sight
doctors and nurses all running in cirles to find
the shattered and broken remains, left of my mind
Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh,
i want to go home
seeing the face in the mirror and knowing it’s mine
trying my hardest to hold, onto my mind

chorus

Bridge

Oh, oh oh, there must be a way out for me
oh oh oh, one in which i can see
oh oh oh, I’m going to be set free
oh oh oh, these shackles and chains i will breach

Chorus
end
 
I like the song but...

...I feel that the second verse is much stronger than the first verse. Perhaps reverse the order and sing 2 first and 1 second. In my mind it doesn't change the meaning or direction of the song but it would give the listener a reason to stay until the end. This section:
mangled and twisted tormented and blistered, obsessive compulsive desires
fire and brimstone, soul eating addiction, and paranoid people conspire
megalomania, alpha omega, and abnormal psychology
don’t even pretend, don’t leap off the deep end, you’ll drown in your insanity is fantastic. It is alliterative and powerful at the same time. I likee.
 
up-fiddler said:
...I feel that the second verse is much stronger than the first verse. Perhaps reverse the order and sing 2 first and 1 second. In my mind it doesn't change the meaning or direction of the song but it would give the listener a reason to stay until the end. This section:
mangled and twisted tormented and blistered, obsessive compulsive desires
fire and brimstone, soul eating addiction, and paranoid people conspire
megalomania, alpha omega, and abnormal psychology
don’t even pretend, don’t leap off the deep end, you’ll drown in your insanity is fantastic. It is alliterative and powerful at the same time. I likee.
Click to expand...

hmmm, what makes the second verse stronger than the first?

if we reversed the verses we'd have to switch the lines

wandering aimlessly, lost in time and seeing the face in the mirror and knowing it’s mine because the second one indicates that there is some hope the person is getting better. which leads to a little more hope in the bridge because we wanted to end the song on a positive note.

i'm glad you like the chorus. i wrote that part first. :)
 
I guess I like the 'hope' in the beginning as a hook to bring the listener in. I see what you mean about the other lines though. Yeah, the chorus is my fave part.
 
Very strong, well written lyrics. They read very well and I know they will make an excellent song already....can't wait to hear this.... :cool:
 
Thanks Ido. we've got a working demo but the song won't be ready for at least another week. but i'll post it as soon as it's ready :)
 
I like it....
only part that bothers me is the doctors and nurses part. The lyrics are nice and metaphoric/ mystic, buit that phrase seems a little bit too "real", too direct to me, I hope you understand what I mean. It's like you want people to think about what you're saying, and that phrase makes it all too simple. How about substituting it with something like "servants of madness all running in circles to find" or something similar? I think it would keep the mysticism of the song going. Otherwise great lyrics!
 
there are fewer metaphonrs in there than you think. and doctors and nurses aren't servants of madness they are the enemies of it. i like the doctors and nurses line. it does what i need it to do. :)
 
Nicole_Rose said:
there are fewer metaphonrs in there than you think. and doctors and nurses aren't servants of madness they are the enemies of it. i like the doctors and nurses line. it does what i need it to do. :)
Click to expand...

I have already weighed in as to how I feel about the second verse.;) I like it so much that iI think it should be first! +1 for not changing the docs and nurses line. :D
 
Nicole_Rose said:
there are fewer metaphonrs in there than you think. and doctors and nurses aren't servants of madness they are the enemies of it. i like the doctors and nurses line. it does what i need it to do. :)
Click to expand...


fair enough....it's you who decides what's good for your song;)
hope to hear it soon.

Cheers
Joey
 
I like it.... a song about being crazy. I somehow feel I can relate.:D

I like the doctors and nurses line. It was the first thing that jumped out at me when I read it. Looking forward to hearing this one.



For some reason I hear: Oh, Oh, Oh, Let it go
instead of Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh, might be because of my personal belief that sanity is vastly overrated. I'm having trouble picking up the meter though so that might be totally off base.
 
Yonce N Mild said:
I like it.... a song about being crazy. I somehow feel I can relate.:D

I like the doctors and nurses line. It was the first thing that jumped out at me when I read it. Looking forward to hearing this one.



For some reason I hear: Oh, Oh, Oh, Let it go
instead of Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh, might be because of my personal belief that sanity is vastly overrated. I'm having trouble picking up the meter though so that might be totally off base.
Click to expand...

lol, the song is about getting it back not letting it go lol.

the meter is tricky on this one. i had to really put the right words in the right place and put the accents in the proper place. also the melody in the verses changes halfway through. i like it though. those who have heard the not ready yet demo say it might be the best thing i've worked on so far. :) thursday Darrel and i will be working on it. and then hopefully one more day will see it finished :)

thanks for the input :)
 
Don't change too much!

I like the way the message is presented in this rough sketch. I know that verbed vox are out of style nowadays but if I had it to master this I would try adding a haunting verb or delay to the vox channel through the verses and leave the choruses drier. (Or maybe vice versa?) In the end I might not like the added FX but I would at least try them on for size. Something about reverb reminds me of a hospital hallway.

I do like the song though, so if it were mine I wouldn't add too much to what is there now. Many people who write of mental illness use synthesizers and 'wacky' sounds and I feel that does the song and its subjects a huge disservice. Nice work.
 
up-fiddler said:
I like the way the message is presented in this rough sketch. I know that verbed vox are out of style nowadays but if I had it to master this I would try adding a haunting verb or delay to the vox channel through the verses and leave the choruses drier. (Or maybe vice versa?) In the end I might not like the added FX but I would at least try them on for size. Something about reverb reminds me of a hospital hallway.

I do like the song though, so if it were mine I wouldn't add too much to what is there now. Many people who write of mental illness use synthesizers and 'wacky' sounds and I feel that does the song and its subjects a huge disservice. Nice work.
Click to expand...

is there anything in the vox that needs to be done better? like i have the feeling he's hitting the accents in the chorus too hard. what do you think?
 
Hi Nicole, I like the way the song is headed. My only suggestion would be to change the last line of the chorus. The "Drown in your insanity" part. It feels forced and crammed with too many syllables. You can try a different word like "Misery", but that might change the meaning a little too much. You can also try "drown by insanity" or some other variation to make it flow smoother.

Thanks for sharing your song,
 
Nicole_Rose said:
seeing the face in the mirror and knowing it’s mine
trying my hardest to hold, onto my mind
Click to expand...

The above is the only little-bitty nit-picky thing I could find...basically "mine" and "mind" are too close for my comfort. I always cringe when I hear songs that rhyme a word with itself unless it's just repeating a line for a chorus. Other than that, WOW...what a song! (Can't listen to the demo, but the lyrics are great!)
 
Chili said:
Hi Nicole, I like the way the song is headed. My only suggestion would be to change the last line of the chorus. The "Drown in your insanity" part. It feels forced and crammed with too many syllables. You can try a different word like "Misery", but that might change the meaning a little too much. You can also try "drown by insanity" or some other variation to make it flow smoother.

Thanks for sharing your song,
Click to expand...

my partner had an issue with that too. but the line fits perfectly. he's just singing the last word out of time for effect. thanks for listening :)
 
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