How do you find my lyrics?

S

Serendipity Records

Well-known member
Kinda bluesy; fuzzy guitar, e-piano, B3, drums, bass. Composition basically finished, want to hear your thoughts on the lyrics before I record them :)


Verse 1
That morning star ain’t my lucky star
Shining bright, it’s cold and far
Another night of oblivion
Shatters, I wake to hallucination


Chorus
This life of mine is a living death
And spinning in circles I run out of breath
Without you I’m purposeless
A vicious cycle that I cannot redress

Verse 2
Days on end go by
And I know, I don’t come to your mind
But (insert affectionate term here), not an hour goes by
That I your vision find

(instrumental solos etc)

Verse 3
Well you can’t keep a good man down
I’ll run the world over to give you that crown
And if I can’t, for hell I’ll be bound
I won’t let you down


Chorus
This life of mine is a living death
And spinning in circles I run out of breath
Without you I’m purposeless
A vicious cycle that I cannot redress
 
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They're OK. Lyrics on their own never mean a thing to me. It's only when they are recorded and in the context of being sung within the music that they'll ever come alive to me. You could write a lyric about a rat gnawing potatoes and if the way it's sung and embedded in the music is powerful enough, I'll hail it as a literary masterpiece. Tons of my favourite songs have lyrics that are pretty shitty, but because the song is superb, the lyric takes on a different mantle.
 
I'm curious about the fact that plenty of other people post their lyrics here. Some are better than Waylon Jennings, some are worse than Jon Pardi, most are in between. You just like to pick on me right? 🙃

Here, how about we agree on instrumentation...
Oh right, instrumentation doesn't mean a thing until you play the instruments...
Self-evident truisms, pal.
 
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We like to pick on everyone :p;)

I don't think they're really great or bad. They're fine. The way they might be intertwined with melody and music should elevate them more.

Some lyrics are straightforward, almost as if reading a book or poem. Others merely suggest the writer's emotions or the merest piece of a storyline. I like to tell a story with mine, not like a book, more like just enough to infer the situation I'm writing about.
 
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Serendipity Records said:
You just like to pick on me right?
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Yeah, I'm a regular internet bully.
On a serious note though, you make it seem as though I was unfairly critical of your lyrics. I very rarely comment on lyrics because they are by their very nature going to be out of any context to me. I've never been a fan of poetry. Until it's enveloped in music. Then it's a different story {no pun intended}.
Serendipity Records said:
how about we agree on instrumentation...
Oh right, instrumentation doesn't mean a thing until you play the instruments...
Click to expand...
Actually, no. I like the instrumental line up. It's right down my street. Back in the 90s, I used to select albums to buy based on the instrumental line-ups.
 
I have a bit of trouble judging lyrics without a melody. They seem a bit downer, but then that's true of lots of songs.

Too bad Manslick hasn't been around lately, he seems to be quite prolific at lyrics. He might have a good perspective on them.
 
Serendipity Records said:
You just like to pick on me right? 🙃
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Oh Hell no..... They don't call him the grimtraveller for nothin :D

He's a unicorn as music lover so he's going to be hard to impress or please but he'll tell it like it is in his perspective.

They're good lyrics about a fatal attraction infatuation type of love...been there done that and if I could go back and give 20 year old me a good smack in the head I would...
written too many songs in that suckage place.... but I loved her like no other ...what a dumbass.
Ah such is life, ya live, ya learn and by the time you have the wisdom to know better, you're to old to do anything with it....:eek:
 
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I woke up one night screaming her name...and realizing she was gone...forever..... It sucked.

Woke up last night
I called your name
But you weren't there
Drives me insane

I gave you my love
All I got was pain
I wish I'd never seen your face girl
I wish I never heard your name

So this is it
They say were through
Nothing more to say
Nothing more to do

You broke my heart
You let our love die
I'll never understand the games you played
I'll never understand the why
 
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TAE said:
They're good lyrics about a fatal attraction infatuation type of love...been there done that and if I could go back and give 20 year old me a good smack in the head I would...
written too many songs in that suckage place.... but I loved her like no other ...what a dumbass.
Ah such is life, ya live, ya learn and by the time you have the wisdom to know better, you're to old to do anything with it....:eek:
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Very close actually. More of a long-term thing with too many obstacles though...
TalismanRich said:
I have a bit of trouble judging lyrics without a melody. They seem a bit downer, but then that's true of lots of songs.
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Sure, they're a bit down. I usually write positive lyrics but the music came first and running thru my catalogue of bits and pieces I put a jigsaw puzzle together with a new refrain to fill the holes. They're actually not what I originally was going for but I really like how they fit with the tune (coming soon, hopefully).
 
TalismanRich said:
I have a bit of trouble judging lyrics without a melody. They seem a bit downer, but then that's true of lots of songs.

Too bad Manslick hasn't been around lately, he seems to be quite prolific at lyrics. He might have a good perspective on them.
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Just wondering, should I post a demo of this in the songwriting or mixing forum? Yeah, I was hoping Manslick would have an opinion...
 
There are no real rules as to where the best place may be, but if you're just doing a "demo" version, I would think that putting it in this area would be fine. It's a continuation of the original post.

If you're doing a more final version, then the mixing area would be the best place, as people who frequent that would be more interested in how the song is put togethere and how the "sound" of it works. You can also add a link to that post in this area, as a continuation.
 
This for me depends on to what degree you want your lyrics to impact those in your genre of music. Is this a rock song, a mellow pop song, Blues? This in my amateur view is a song of unrequited love, that the singer is in despair without his true love, his life a “living death”. Songs can have a personal dimension the songwriter hopes will be a universal and catch on. Do you want your lyrics to relate to today’s generation of youth? Do you want them to relate to all ages? Do you also want your song to address the political and social status of today, or the hurdles the youth of today face that is unique time?

I see these lyrics as being meaningful to all generations as I don’t see any references to the now. Who am I to say as I write music and post it on YouTube and I don’t so far connect after one year, so all with a grain of salt from me. Jimmy Hendrix was a major impact of the 20th Century in music but his lyrics were simple but had social and political context. Diana Ross and The Supremes were very successful too, and all on simple universal lyrics… but of course it is the music itself that comes into play.

I think you’re wanting to address the youth of today who are seeking love and a sense of identity and purpose and I don’t see that part of things in your lyrics, but famous artists don’t do that and their music caught on. The metaphor of a morning star is great, and I like lyrics that work with rhyme and cadence and you do that very well. Maybe youth need something to grab onto as to how the “spinning in circles” happens in today’s world, and what it is that is of today that causes one to feel purposeless… but that’s only if the youth of today is your goal. Of course I say that and must ask myself, “What does my music do?”

Sorry as I’m only amateur and thought at least I’d try to say something. I hope I helped in some small way. Congrats on writing an unrequited love song with rhyme and meter and touching on the struggle of what life can be to you without love.
 
Winfred said:
This for me depends on to what degree you want your lyrics to impact those in your genre of music. Is this a rock song, a mellow pop song, Blues? This in my amateur view is a song of unrequited love, that the singer is in despair without his true love, his life a “living death”. Songs can have a personal dimension the songwriter hopes will be a universal and catch on. Do you want your lyrics to relate to today’s generation of youth? Do you want them to relate to all ages? Do you also want your song to address the political and social status of today, or the hurdles the youth of today face that is unique time?

I see these lyrics as being meaningful to all generations as I don’t see any references to the now. Who am I to say as I write music and post it on YouTube and I don’t so far connect after one year, so all with a grain of salt from me. Jimmy Hendrix was a major impact of the 20th Century in music but his lyrics were simple but had social and political context. Diana Ross and The Supremes were very successful too, and all on simple universal lyrics… but of course it is the music itself that comes into play.

I think you’re wanting to address the youth of today who are seeking love and a sense of identity and purpose and I don’t see that part of things in your lyrics, but famous artists don’t do that and their music caught on. The metaphor of a morning star is great, and I like lyrics that work with rhyme and cadence and you do that very well. Maybe youth need something to grab onto as to how the “spinning in circles” happens in today’s world, and what it is that is of today that causes one to feel purposeless… but that’s only if the youth of today is your goal. Of course I say that and must ask myself, “What does my music do?”

Sorry as I’m only amateur and thought at least I’d try to say something. I hope I helped in some small way. Congrats on writing an unrequited love song with rhyme and meter and touching on the struggle of what life can be to you without love.
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Thank you so much for your comment! Wow, yeah, lots to think about in what you wrote. I'm not aiming for a specific generation (I can't imagine the majority of my generation "feeling" these lyrics -- or even my music 8-) ), it's more about what I was feeling for the music at the moment of penning the lyrics. Personal experience(s) played a major factor of course, as it/they always do in my best efforts (aka the only ones I would ever post online). I hope you check it out when I post a demo on this thread -- again, thanks for sharing your thoughts!
 
Hi! Your writing is deeply emotional. It seems you want to keep it focused on you, but others will transport themselves into your experience and relate to it and you prefer to keep it that way which is great! On the other hand with a few minor changes you could a reminisce of a very special time you cherished with her and maybe listened to music that a lot of youth your age listen to or name a park or city where you were or something contemporary that you laughed about, had a picnic of Oreo cookies and milk, or something you danced to then what it was that split you apart -- but only a weak suggestion. I wrote two unrequited love songs and didn't connect time-wise because one was supposed to be of me in my youth as in my old age I'm not in that intense era of youth, but in one of the songs I sing a line in Swedish and mention a famous lake and some famous cities of Scandinavia but really I'm a flop with my "Bucket List" attempts with my original music so far, so really my warning to take me with a grain of salt ha!
 
Winfred said:
It seems you want to keep it focused on you, but others will transport themselves into your experience and relate to it and you prefer to keep it that way which is great!
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Yes; in fact, I was happy to see it interpreted in a close but slightly different way by @TAE, which shows that the song can be related to by others.
Winfred said:
On the other hand with a few minor changes you could a reminisce of a very special time you cherished with her and maybe listened to music that a lot of youth your age listen to or name a park or city where you were or something contemporary that you laughed about, had a picnic of Oreo cookies and milk, or something you danced to then what it was that split you apart -- but only a weak suggestion. I wrote two unrequited love songs and didn't connect time-wise because one was supposed to be of me in my youth as in my old age I'm not in that intense era of youth, but in one of the songs I sing a line in Swedish and mention a famous lake and some famous cities of Scandinavia but really I'm a flop with my "Bucket List" attempts with my original music so far, so really my warning to take me with a grain of salt ha!
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Yeah, I might have... but doing so would go beyond the song's theme imagery, which revolves around escaping a nightmare (if I were making a music vid this would be the visual haha). But you're inspiring me to write another song!
 
I really like the composition. Those short pre-chorus bits are really nice, like some 70's prog jazz. This has a lot of potential. As with just about all music I listen to, I don't zero in on the lyrics as far as what they're saying. I listen to how they're entwined with the melody and music. Some of your phrasing feels a bit forced, but that's ok. Writer's prerogative.
 
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