Nicole_Rose
Great White North Girl
thanks for the wow
i really appreciate it. i'm glad you like. i hope you can find time to listen. i'd like people's opinions on whether the accents on the choruses are sung too heavy.
thanks for the wow
i really appreciate it. i'm glad you like. i hope you can find time to listen. i'd like people's opinions on whether the accents on the choruses are sung too heavy.
O
Oancient1
New member
Hi Nicole,
I would like the song more if it was more produced from its current musical simplicity. I would at least put in electric g throughout, instead of just the solo, which BTW comes a little to early in the song for my taste.
Tom
I would like the song more if it was more produced from its current musical simplicity. I would at least put in electric g throughout, instead of just the solo, which BTW comes a little to early in the song for my taste.
Tom
Whatmysay
New member
I like the song and now I get the struggle to stay sane it really works well. For me the dynamics are still too even - but I am into dramatic dynamic I see it like a theatrical monologue with different energy levels on different lines.
may be it is too much like a musical number then and not a song
may be it is too much like a musical number then and not a song
Nicole_Rose
Great White North Girl
thanks for the replies guys i appreciate your comments. we're working on harmonies next so we'll see where that takes us.
so no one thought the chorus was sung too hard on the accents?
so no one thought the chorus was sung too hard on the accents?
up-fiddler
Taming the World--for now
I felt the accents were just that......accents. Like Whatmysay though, I am fond of songs with a greater dynamic disparity. Todays pop and hip-hop and much of todays rock and c/w is compressed to within an inch of its musical life. I like the effect of peaks and valleys....especially in a song about mental illness.jmho
rayc
retroreprobate
EXCELLENT chorus an alliterative trip.
Line three verse one is REALLY long on syllables - I like the feel with all but the last AND replaced by commas.
In verse two things get a little cluncky - the imagery's good and the story carries along really well but...the bold bits could be excised and the italicized is redundant & blows the syllable scan...
Jumping at shadows and running in fright
listening to voices, when no one’s in sight
doctors and nurses all running in cirles to find
the shattered and broken remains, left of my mind
(could be ...the shattered remnants of my - broken mind...)
Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh,
i want to go home
seeing the face in the mirror and knowing it’s mine
trying my hardest to hold, onto my mind
I also think rhyming mind & mine won't serve you well - though it's an obvious word it's not really the right one.
Excellent story - reminds me of Bowie on All The Madmen.
Good work so far!
Line three verse one is REALLY long on syllables - I like the feel with all but the last AND replaced by commas.
In verse two things get a little cluncky - the imagery's good and the story carries along really well but...the bold bits could be excised and the italicized is redundant & blows the syllable scan...
Jumping at shadows and running in fright
listening to voices, when no one’s in sight
doctors and nurses all running in cirles to find
the shattered and broken remains, left of my mind
(could be ...the shattered remnants of my - broken mind...)
Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh,
i want to go home
seeing the face in the mirror and knowing it’s mine
trying my hardest to hold, onto my mind
I also think rhyming mind & mine won't serve you well - though it's an obvious word it's not really the right one.
Excellent story - reminds me of Bowie on All The Madmen.
Good work so far!
Nicole_Rose
Great White North Girl
did you listen to it Ray? all of those lyrics fit fine in there. you're not the only one to mention the mine mind rhyme but what it says is more important than fixing the rhyme.
here's the link
http://soundclick.com/share?songid=6270551
ido1957
9K Gold Member
Very strong, well written lyrics. They read very well and I know they will make an excellent song already....can't wait to hear this....
Nice Nicole, the finished product is great (as I expected). Good arrangement and performance. Well done!
true-eurt
Maneater
I love the song...it has the same content as "Coming To Take Me Away"...only with a dark feel to it, rather than comedy...and I do love dark.
Good one Nicole and Zinger!!
Good one Nicole and Zinger!!
O
Oancient1
New member
M
morning lights
New member
hi
your writing is good, keep practicing, your performance will measure up if you keep at it.
your writing is good, keep practicing, your performance will measure up if you keep at it.
Nicole_Rose
Great White North Girl
if you have something to say about the performance say it. i'd like to hear what you think. if there's something in your critique that rings true with me i'll work on it or my singer will. but just vague statements that the performance doesn't measure up isn't helpful at all.
Toddskins
Member
Ok, here goes.....
This may not be the place for this. Maybe I should just jot you a personal Email.
In your chorus, you mention "alpha omega" which is a reference title, known to at least 1/2 the world, to be Jesus Christ, who identified Himself as the Alpha and Omega, the Beginning and the End. You probably know this quite well.
That said.... and just for your enlightenment.... (again, this may not be the place for this, but since the lyrics are open to critique... ???), there is actually something much different and deeper in man, than his soul. It is his spirit.
Now, if you bear with me just a few more sentences, you may find this to be all too wonderful and helpful. <smile>
I gotta preach here just for a second, to make the point, ok?
The way to true LIFE, is by death to the soul, in Jesus' Name.
In other words, Jesus would say to you, "I did not come to torture your soul. I came to kill it."
For it is man's soul that is the great menace to God's work. The soul needs to be crucified, so that the spirit can have His way. Dual nature within yourself - Soul... Spirit. And not knowing this, you find yourself in the same dilemma as the whole world... and that is... trying to find life within your SELF, which just ain't gonna happen.
But if you put SELF to death, in Jesus' Name, then you will find eternal life in His Spirit.... which makes your own spirit alive. It's a constant battle.
And it's the principle of the seed. IF a seed falls to the earth and dies, it produces much fruit. But if the seed has any beginning or sprouting of life in it, and does not die, it will not produce any life or fruit. Principle of resurrection - out of death, comes life. So, in this case, death to soul, death to self... rather than trying to find life within the self.
The SPIRIT is where it's at.
Ok, ok.... I don't know if this was the place for this, but I hope at the very least, it was educational.
Copyright Nicole Rose/Darrel Thompson
i'd like to see what everyone thinks of these lyrics. Darrel and i have been working on this song for about 3 weeks now.
tortured soul
verse 1
running from visions that stalk me by night
hiding in darkness, afraid of the light
tortured and shattered and splintered and broken inside
trying my hardest to hold, onto my mind
Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh,
I want to go home
wandering aimlessly, lost in time
Trying my hardest to hold, onto what’s mine
chorus,
mangled and twisted tormented and blistered, obsessive compulsive desires
fire and brimstone, soul eating addiction, and paranoid people conspire
megalomania, alpha omega, and abnormal psychology
don’t even pretend, don’t leap off the deep end, you’ll drown in your insanity
guitar solo
verse 2
Jumping at shadows and running in fright
listening to voices, when no one’s in sight
doctors and nurses all running in cirles to find
the shattered and broken remains, left of my mind
Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh,
i want to go home
seeing the face in the mirror and knowing it’s mine
trying my hardest to hold, onto my mind
chorus
Bridge
Oh, oh oh, there must be a way out for me
oh oh oh, one in which i can see
oh oh oh, I’m going to be set free
oh oh oh, these shackles and chains i will breach
Chorus
end
This may not be the place for this. Maybe I should just jot you a personal Email.
In your chorus, you mention "alpha omega" which is a reference title, known to at least 1/2 the world, to be Jesus Christ, who identified Himself as the Alpha and Omega, the Beginning and the End. You probably know this quite well.
That said.... and just for your enlightenment.... (again, this may not be the place for this, but since the lyrics are open to critique... ???), there is actually something much different and deeper in man, than his soul. It is his spirit.
Now, if you bear with me just a few more sentences, you may find this to be all too wonderful and helpful. <smile>
I gotta preach here just for a second, to make the point, ok?
The way to true LIFE, is by death to the soul, in Jesus' Name.
In other words, Jesus would say to you, "I did not come to torture your soul. I came to kill it."
For it is man's soul that is the great menace to God's work. The soul needs to be crucified, so that the spirit can have His way. Dual nature within yourself - Soul... Spirit. And not knowing this, you find yourself in the same dilemma as the whole world... and that is... trying to find life within your SELF, which just ain't gonna happen.
But if you put SELF to death, in Jesus' Name, then you will find eternal life in His Spirit.... which makes your own spirit alive. It's a constant battle.
And it's the principle of the seed. IF a seed falls to the earth and dies, it produces much fruit. But if the seed has any beginning or sprouting of life in it, and does not die, it will not produce any life or fruit. Principle of resurrection - out of death, comes life. So, in this case, death to soul, death to self... rather than trying to find life within the self.
The SPIRIT is where it's at.
Ok, ok.... I don't know if this was the place for this, but I hope at the very least, it was educational.
Last edited:
Nicole_Rose
Great White North Girl
This may not be the place for this. Maybe I should just jot you a personal Email.
In your chorus, you mention "alpha omega" which is a reference title, known to at least 1/2 the world, to be Jesus Christ, who identified Himself as the Alpha and Omega, the Beginning and the End. You probably know this quite well.
That said.... and just for your enlightenment.... (again, this may not be the place for this, but since the lyrics are open to critique... ???), there is actually something much different and deeper in man, than his soul. It is his spirit.
Now, if you bear with me just a few more sentences, you may find this to be all too wonderful and helpful. <smile>
I gotta preach here just for a second, to make the point, ok?
The way to true LIFE, is by death to the soul, in Jesus' Name.
In other words, Jesus would say to you, "I did not come to torture your soul. I came to kill it."
For it is man's soul that is the great menace to God's work. The soul needs to be crucified, so that the spirit can have His way. Dual nature within yourself - Soul... Spirit. And not knowing this, you find yourself in the same dilemma as the whole world... and that is... trying to find life within your SELF, which just ain't gonna happen.
But if you put SELF to death, in Jesus' Name, then you will find eternal life in His Spirit.... which makes your own spirit alive. It's a constant battle.
And it's the principle of the seed. IF a seed falls to the earth and dies, it produces much fruit. But if the seed has any beginning or sprouting of life in it, and does not die, it will not produce any life or fruit. Principle of resurrection - out of death, comes life. So, in this case, death to soul, death to self... rather than trying to find life within the self.
The SPIRIT is where it's at.
Ok, ok.... I don't know if this was the place for this, but I hope at the very least, it was educational.
i'm not getting into a religious discussion with you because my beliefs are none of your business. BUT. i mentioned God in my song and Hell, if you got the fire and brimstone remark as well, because for some reason, heaven and hell are frequently part of people's psychosis'. i won't get into a discussion of why i think this is because it would offend you greatly, and to be honest, i'm not in the mood for a fight.
Xeries
Earth Member
Nicole, I don't want to fight either, so I won't. I like your song. It is very dark, but that's not a bad thing, it just is a thing. I try not to judge things.
The song has a tortured soul in it and that's not an easy thing to pull off. You did it well. Reading this thread, I get the impression that you are a protective mama and are quick to come to the defense of your song. You don't have to defend it. It will stand up for itself. I someone doesn't like it, they don't have to push the play button, do they?
I like it. It's kind of weird and gloomy, but it's supposed to be weird and gloomy. If you don't get that from the title, you're not paying attention.
I have a suggestion, very minor, so don't get your feathers ruffled. In the chorus, I would lose the word "the" or "your" right before the word "insanity."
Here's my reason: The song is thick with triplets, 123,123,123,123,123,123 etc., which is a great driving tool, but every time you go to the insanity bit, I stumble over your cadence. Just leave out that one syllable and listen to how smooth it is.
Sorry for sticking my nose in your song, just trying to help.
The song has a tortured soul in it and that's not an easy thing to pull off. You did it well. Reading this thread, I get the impression that you are a protective mama and are quick to come to the defense of your song. You don't have to defend it. It will stand up for itself. I someone doesn't like it, they don't have to push the play button, do they?
I like it. It's kind of weird and gloomy, but it's supposed to be weird and gloomy. If you don't get that from the title, you're not paying attention.
I have a suggestion, very minor, so don't get your feathers ruffled. In the chorus, I would lose the word "the" or "your" right before the word "insanity."
Here's my reason: The song is thick with triplets, 123,123,123,123,123,123 etc., which is a great driving tool, but every time you go to the insanity bit, I stumble over your cadence. Just leave out that one syllable and listen to how smooth it is.
Sorry for sticking my nose in your song, just trying to help.
Nicole_Rose
Great White North Girl
my singer steps out of cadence on purpose. all of those words fit perfectly into the meter and cadence but if you sing insanity in time the chorus ends with a robotic feel to it, whereas stepping out of meter and cadence gives it something to change that.
and of course it's full of triplets, it's in 6/8 time.
ido1957
9K Gold Member
You've had some interesting responses Nicole - I think you might have something really special here..... That's what good music/art is supposed to do - invoke emotion and discussion. Good Job....
That's what good music/art is supposed to do - invoke emotion and discussion. Good Job....
Nicole_Rose
Great White North Girl
You've had some interesting responses Nicole - I think you might have something really special here.....
thanks ido
i want to rep you but i have to spread the love around i can't wait until we get some harmonies going in it and get my friend from the netherlands to play some real drums on it
this is still just a working version
Xeries
Earth Member
my partner had an issue with that too. but the line fits perfectly. he's just singing the last word out of time for effect. thanks for listening
See, I'm not alone. I can make it fit perfectly without the word "your" in front of insanity. But I am insane, so go figure.
Nicole_Rose
Great White North Girl
her issue with it was that she heard the singer saying "your 'own' insanity" because of the way it plays with the timing a bit. i told her no that's not what he's saying but she wouldn't believe me till i took her to the studio and muted everything but the vocals
it's his playing with the timing that is bothering your ear, not the words. i used to sing it perfectly in meter and cadence but i slowly gravitated to his way of singing it. and i doubt you're as insane as all that. i've met some insane people so i know.