New to site-opinions please

D

Davo364

New member
hi all wrote some lyrics and cant really tell if they are up to much, opinions and pointers would be appreciated
thx

V1
Reliving past mistakes
We're stuck on the same page in history
It's so much more work so much less play
And it all seems so clear to me
It all seems so clear to me

V2
Consuming more than we can make
Thats a 1st world luxury
Get offered more than i can take
But it's just shit i dont want or need

Chorus
Show me the love
Show me the love

V3
Disliking folk we'll never know
Afraid we'll lose our share
I watch you come you'll watch me go
And no-one stopped to care
And no-one stopped to care

Chorus
Show me the love
Show me the love

Bridge
Stand by my side for a while

Chorus
Show me the love
Show me the love


any advise would be greatly appreciated
Cheers
Davo
 
i'm new too so pay me no mind but, man, you've mixed up ryhme patterns and the number of sounds in lines from verse to verse is different. and using shit is wimping out on finding a real word.
 
thanks for the input Greenie, all valid points, thought i might have some problems. Now i just need to work out how to take your suggestions and icorporate them into the song in such a way as to make it work. I suppose i just dont fully understand all of your points but that is probably where my problems start. Right?
Cheers
Davo
 
Davo,

Do you have music already or are you writing the lyrics first? It can make a difference. It's much easier - although not necessary better - to get off-meter and unbalanced rhymes working if you have an existing, break-the-rules kind of song going.

In this case, the verses could have different melodies, for all I know. The verses don't share much in the way of structure.

Can you share what genre you're working in, too?

Sorry for all the questions, but it's hard to give blind advice sometimes.

-Hugo
 
hi Hugo,
yes i have the basics of the music sorted out, the melody was was worked out in conjunction with the chord progression and the lyrics then came after.
I gnore the fact that V1 & V3 repeat 4th line, that was just an idea i'm toying with. The melody doesn't really change much between verses although i get the feeling the lyric reads as if it would.
The genre i would have to describe as accoustic guitar pop, if that makes any sense(for pop think more Teenage Fan Club than Brittney Spears). As always a few minutes of listening could save a thousand words but unfortunately it's not possible to post anything at the moment( due to mother-in -law using my "studio" as a bedroom for the next 4 weeks)
Thanks for taking the time to reply, help is always appreciated.
Cheers
Davo
 
Ok, then here's a couple things. Overall, the song's in present tense. When you hit the end of V3 we get several tenses. "I watch", "you will watch", "no-one stopped". That last one is the problem to me, just doesn't feel right to suddenly drop into the past.

The other thing that I don't care for is the "just shit" phrase. I suspect you can do better than that.

Hope this helps a bit - sometimes I do, sometimes I don't :)
 
yep thanks Hugo, never actually noticed the use of different tenses in V3 , will get onto that, guess i just slipped into an everyday speech sort of thing. The "just shit" thing i will need to ponder. It did kind of fufill the meaning(in my mind) of what i was trying to get across i.e. things like celebrity obbsession, reality tv, disposable....well everything and the transformation of turning people into "consumers" by media and buisness, all of which i do think of as shit. but i do agree there has to be a better way to get that across.
Cheers
Davo
 
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