jimistone
long standing member
Yes, cross would be good...
But it doesn't rhyme with Calvary.
But it doesn't rhyme with Calvary.
jimistone
long standing member
OK, I did a rewrite of the lyric. I'm a lot happier with the song now. What do you guys think?
I once was lost in sin
I had such emptiness inside
I ran so far away from God
full of rage and foolish pride
*
He still loved me even though,
He saw that I had lost my way,
When I called upon His name
Jesus changed my life that day.
(Bridge)
I prayed the sinners prayer,
And fell upon my knees,
He melted my cold heart,
Now I can clearly see.
(Chorus)
The vast and wonderous love,
He poured out at a Calvary,
Where He made my sin His own,
and when they nailed Him to that tree.
He cried "forgive them Father please,
For they know not what they do"
There Jesus took my place,
And gave me life anew!
Now I'm renewed and saved today,
Once a slave to worldly things,
That old life has passed away,
For now I serve the King of Kings
Let everything I do and say
Help lead others to your door
Lord I pray you'll light my way,
Until I reach that golden shore
(Bridge)
(Chorus twice)
I once was lost in sin
I had such emptiness inside
I ran so far away from God
full of rage and foolish pride
*
He still loved me even though,
He saw that I had lost my way,
When I called upon His name
Jesus changed my life that day.
(Bridge)
I prayed the sinners prayer,
And fell upon my knees,
He melted my cold heart,
Now I can clearly see.
(Chorus)
The vast and wonderous love,
He poured out at a Calvary,
Where He made my sin His own,
and when they nailed Him to that tree.
He cried "forgive them Father please,
For they know not what they do"
There Jesus took my place,
And gave me life anew!
Now I'm renewed and saved today,
Once a slave to worldly things,
That old life has passed away,
For now I serve the King of Kings
Let everything I do and say
Help lead others to your door
Lord I pray you'll light my way,
Until I reach that golden shore
(Bridge)
(Chorus twice)
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jimistone
long standing member
Tweaked the lyric some more:
I once was lost in sin
With an emptiness inside
For years I ran away from God,
Caring not for me He died
But He still loved me even though,
He knew that I had lost my way,
And when I called upon His name
Jesus changed my life that day.
(Bridge)
I prayed the sinners prayer,
And fell upon my knees,
He melted my cold heart,
So I could clearly see.
(Chorus)
His amazing love,
That poured out at Calvary,
Where He made my sin His own,
Nailed to the cross for all to see.
He cried "forgive them Father please,
For they know not what they do"
He died there in my place,
And gave me life anew!
Now I'm renewed and saved today,
No more a slave to worldly things,
That old life has passed away,
For now I serve the King of Kings
I pray that all I do and say,
Will help lead others to your door.
And Lord that you will light my way,
'Till I reach that golden shore.
(Bridge)
(Chorus twice)
I think the lyric is finished. Now on to the recording of this tune.
I once was lost in sin
With an emptiness inside
For years I ran away from God,
Caring not for me He died
But He still loved me even though,
He knew that I had lost my way,
And when I called upon His name
Jesus changed my life that day.
(Bridge)
I prayed the sinners prayer,
And fell upon my knees,
He melted my cold heart,
So I could clearly see.
(Chorus)
His amazing love,
That poured out at Calvary,
Where He made my sin His own,
Nailed to the cross for all to see.
He cried "forgive them Father please,
For they know not what they do"
He died there in my place,
And gave me life anew!
Now I'm renewed and saved today,
No more a slave to worldly things,
That old life has passed away,
For now I serve the King of Kings
I pray that all I do and say,
Will help lead others to your door.
And Lord that you will light my way,
'Till I reach that golden shore.
(Bridge)
(Chorus twice)
I think the lyric is finished. Now on to the recording of this tune.
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ido1957
9K Gold Member
The tree is the only thing that is "off" for me.
The rest is really easy to read and has good meter, rhyme and images.
Just a suggestion - something like
"up there with the crosses three"
"there on the cross for all to see"
"nailed to the cross for all to see"
Just ideas because I prefer the image/visual of the cross.
Whatever you decide I look forward to hearing it.
The rest is really easy to read and has good meter, rhyme and images.
Just a suggestion - something like
"up there with the crosses three"
"there on the cross for all to see"
"nailed to the cross for all to see"
Just ideas because I prefer the image/visual of the cross.
Whatever you decide I look forward to hearing it.
jimistone
long standing member
Thanks ido1957.
Great suggestions. I'm always open to changing the lyric if it improves the song. Thanks for taking the time to comment.
"Nailed to the cross for all to see" is a great line. It may be a keeper. Thanks again bro.
I went ahead and made that change to the lyric. I'm just going to have to see how it sings with the music.
"Nailed" was the word where to vocal emphasized and held.
"Where they naaailed him to the the tree"
With the new line "cross" gets the emphasis.
nailed to the crooooss for all to see.
"Nailed" flows very well and was easy to hold and vibrato.
Cross may not sing as well as nailed...I dunno, but I'm gonna try it
Great suggestions. I'm always open to changing the lyric if it improves the song. Thanks for taking the time to comment.
"Nailed to the cross for all to see" is a great line. It may be a keeper. Thanks again bro.
I went ahead and made that change to the lyric. I'm just going to have to see how it sings with the music.
"Nailed" was the word where to vocal emphasized and held.
"Where they naaailed him to the the tree"
With the new line "cross" gets the emphasis.
nailed to the crooooss for all to see.
"Nailed" flows very well and was easy to hold and vibrato.
Cross may not sing as well as nailed...I dunno, but I'm gonna try it
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jimistone
long standing member
well, I finished the writing of the song...I think. I'm going to have to play it a few times and let it simmer in my brain. I had to change the line "caring not for me He died". The first time I played it for a friend of mine he said "why dose Jesus not care for you then He dies?"
I realized it wasn't a very good line, so I changed it to "knowing not for me He died".
Thank you Broken_H for putting my guitar music to piano....that's awesome man!
Thank you ido1957 for throwing me a great line...awesome as well!
Thank you rayc for the honest lyric critique that exposed the flaws that need correction.
Here's the scratch recording with broken_H on piano
https://soundcloud.com/jimistone/he-gave-me-life-anew
I realized it wasn't a very good line, so I changed it to "knowing not for me He died".
Thank you Broken_H for putting my guitar music to piano....that's awesome man!
Thank you ido1957 for throwing me a great line...awesome as well!
Thank you rayc for the honest lyric critique that exposed the flaws that need correction.
Here's the scratch recording with broken_H on piano
https://soundcloud.com/jimistone/he-gave-me-life-anew
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rayc
retroreprobate
Jimistone,
It reads so much better now. You've communicated to an general audience rather than to just the folk who know the codes/connections.
Good start on the instrumentation. The piano - sounds a little brittle though - mind you a good contrast to your much warmer/grainy voice.
I'd like some contrast like beginning with your guitar and then bringing in the piano etc etc.
Nice work & well done on being open to criticism.
It reads so much better now. You've communicated to an general audience rather than to just the folk who know the codes/connections.
Good start on the instrumentation. The piano - sounds a little brittle though - mind you a good contrast to your much warmer/grainy voice.
I'd like some contrast like beginning with your guitar and then bringing in the piano etc etc.
Nice work & well done on being open to criticism.
ido1957
9K Gold Member
Wow just wow this gave me goosebumps. Not often that happens.
All I can say is amazing.
All I can say is amazing.
Bubba po
Tiny Stonehenge Moment
I think I've done rather well not to comment on this, so far. 
jimistone
long standing member
Thanks rayc.
I really appreciate you taking time to make suggestions. You advice was dead on. I'm not a songwriter. I have good ideas but I'm not good at refining them into finished songs. I'm always open to constructive criticism.
jimistone
long standing member
Thanks ido1957. Your contribution made it a lot better song. It's one of the best lines in the song because it effectively ties the chorus together. I really liked the line "He cried forgive them Father please for they know not what they do"...
I liked they way it sounded over the chords with "do"
Going into the minor chord. I desperately wanted that line to be a keeper. I was struggling to make it make sense in the context of the chorus....without adding extra words that messed up the meter of the lyric ." When they nailed Him to the tree" didn't make the transition. It was like the chorus was in 2 different parts. I was hung up on "tree" because it rhymed with "calvary". You kept saying that cross would be better than tree.
Then you gave me the perfect line that tied the chorus together.
"On the cross for all to see He cried forgive them...."
That scripture reference was when Jesus was hanging on the cross and they were watching him die"
Man, Bob Dylan couldn't have come up with a better line to acomplised what I wanted!
Hey bro, you make be feeling goosebumps because God had a hand in this and was giving you a pat on the back.
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jimistone
long standing member
I think I've done rather well not to comment on this, so far.
You certainly have! I'm amazed at your self control.
It's almost like Bevis and Butthead trying not to laugh huh?
Lol
Maybe I will post it in he cave and let you get it all out of your system.
God bless you bubba po!
ido1957
9K Gold Member
You're welcome and you're probably right about the source...
It's just one line - the song as a whole has a great melody and lyric.
I noticed the line but I would say I was more impressed by the way the bridge/chorus built the emotion in a way a song should.
That piano doesn't hurt either - I don't know piano verbage but the playing is wide and tasty (covers a lot of keys?)
It's just one line - the song as a whole has a great melody and lyric.
I noticed the line but I would say I was more impressed by the way the bridge/chorus built the emotion in a way a song should.
That piano doesn't hurt either - I don't know piano verbage but the playing is wide and tasty (covers a lot of keys?)
BroKen_H
Re-member
Why, thank you, Ido. Been playing since age 4. Ought to be able to do something with it...
jimistone
long standing member
It shows. Great work in this tune! Thanks again.