The cost of living has now gotten so bad that my wife is having sex with me because she can't afford batteries.
My girlfriend(don't tell my wife), she had been breaking out in a slight itchy rash all over her body. I got tired of her calling me in the middle of the night to come over and scratch her back,.... my wife was all like, who the hell was that, where you goin', wtf, blah blah blah...Anyway, I told my GF to cut out the bullshit and see a damn Dr. The doctor tells her to try not to scratch it and take milk baths. So the milkman walks up just as i'm leaving one morning, and my GF requests that he deliver on next visit enough milk for a milk bath.

The milkman then asked her, do you want it pasteurized? She says, hmm no, just about up to my tits, i'll just splash some on my face.


who is Ernie? I just remember the punchline from somewhere and added the rest of the blah blah blah embellishment

the video isn't available here
It's been a while...

I went back to getting my morning news from a newspaper delivery...much more satisfying than getting it off a cell phone and the papers don't break when the kid lobs them on the porch.

Did you ever notice that alll the instruments searching for intelligent life are pointed AWAY from the earth?

People often talk about "Older than dirt"...well let me define that for ya young whippersnappers: When I was a kid, there was no dirt...we played with rocks. After years and years of playing with the rocks we wore them down and broke them up enough that they became ...
And there ya have it! Be greatful... and GET OFF MY LAWN!

I just bought a Dell computer and I was wondering if Active Dancer comes with a farmer???
Didlooking for intelligent life are pointed away from earth?
I'm too old to participate in all of that St. Patrick's Day party 'til you puke green beer nonsense. So I decided to celebrate by taking my grandson down to the local pub for his first beer. I ordered us a couple of Guinness. He took one sip and didn't like it, so I drank both his and mine. I next ordered us a Heineken. He didn't like that either, so I drank his. I then ordered us a couple of those apple ale things. He smelled it and wouldn't even try it, so I drank both his and mine. I made a few more attempts before finally coming to the conclusion that he just doesn't like to drink beer. Me, I got so hammered I could barely steer his stroller back home.
Do you have any Sodium Hyperbromide?


My teacher threw sodium chloride at me

That's A Salt!

My chemistry experiment blew up!

Oxidants happen....
I love the way the Earth really makes my day.

When you look at someone through rose colored glasses all the red flags just look like flags...
A weasel walks into a bar.

The bartender says, "In all my years of tending bar, I've never seen a weasel come in. What'll ya have, it's on the house!"

"Pop," goes the weasel.
A polite way to call someone a bastard.....

A guy was getting ready to tee off on the first hole when a second golfer approached and asked if he could join him. The first said that he usually played alone, but agreed to the twosome.

They were even after the first two holes. The second guy said, “We’re about evenly matched, how about playing for five bucks a hole?”

The first guy said that he wasn’t much for betting, but agreed to the terms.

The second guy won the remaining sixteen holes with ease. As they were walking off number eighteen, the second guy was busy counting his $80. He then confessed that he was the pro at a neighboring course and liked to pick on suckers.

The first fellow then revealed that he was the Parish Priest.

The pro was flustered and apologetic, offering to return the money.

The Priest said, “You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings.”

The pro said, “Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?”

The Priest said, “Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation. And, if you want to bring your mother and father along, I’ll marry them.
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Two engineering students were biking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want.

The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice: The clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."
Well, since the thread is back, I guess I'll come back, too...

[FONT=&quot]A guy has a rough day and stops at Dick’s Place. He tells the owner and bartender that he’s a surgeon down at the hospital and he just wants to forget about everything for awhile.

[FONT=&quot]Dick knows just the thing. He quickly whips up a thick, exotic beverage and places it in front of the worn out doctor. He takes one sip and his eyes light up. “What IS that?” “That’s my signature almond daiquiri”, Dick tells him. The surgeon tells him it’s delicious, pays his bill and comes back the next day and the next day at the same time for the same thing: An almond daiquiri.

[FONT=&quot]Before long, like clockwork, Dick is able to have it ready for him just before he comes in. But, one day as he is preparing the drink, he realizes that he’s run out of almonds! With no time to lose, he quickly substitutes the almonds with hickory nuts and sets the beverage on the bar.

[FONT=&quot]The surgeon pops in, takes a big gulp, and immediately spits it all over the bar. He looks at the bartender and says, “That’s not an almond daiquiri, Dick!” And Dick says, “No, it’s a hickory daiquiri, Doc!”.