Jokes!!
- Thread starter elbandito
- Start date
MrUserNameIV
SenselessActsOfCreation
Trump. *drum fill*
MrUserNameIV
SenselessActsOfCreation
This is actually too true to be funny, but there it is:
It's even worse than that. . . these days, plugins are called 'vintage' and 'classic', and have beautifully rendered glowing images of tubes that respond to the sound so that you feel like it's processing it all through vintage circuits. This actually convinces people that it's a better plugin, because it LOOKS LIKE it's pretty vintage. If it has really blocky knobs, all the better.
Then. . . the rotten SOBs who popularize all this 'vintage stuff' drive up the price of vintage gear so people like me can't buy second hand out of date "POS" gear for next to nothing from people who think "digital is the future, man". I really miss those treasure hunts. Same nonsense is going on with vintage video games. I used to be able to waltz into a thrift store and buy a solid gold NES with every game ever released for $5.99 for the whole lot. People were like, man that look like crap! My Playstation can do amazing things compared to that old thing. Now you pay more for the vintage stuff than you do something that's brand new. . . Nostalgia. My advice to everyone but me is to stop fetishizing vintage gear so I can dupe more futurists into offloading it for a song. If I'm lucky, they might even PAY ME to take it off their hands. . . Yeah. . . that B-3 organ is old tech bruh, get yourself a Yamaha workstation. . . It has better organ sounds!!! I'll even haul it away for you.
What do you think. . . It's a good cause.
Anticleon
Member
A young jackaroo from outback goes off to, Queensland university
but halfway through the semester he has squandered all of his money.
He calls home. 'Dad,' he says, 'you won't believe what modern education is developing...
they actually have a program here in Brisbane that will teach our dog Ol' Blue how to talk.'
'That's amazing!' his Dad says. 'How do I get Ol' Blue in that program?'
'Just send him down here with $2,000,' the young jackaroo says, 'I'll get him in the course'
So his father sends the dog and $2,000.
About two-thirds through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home.
'So how's Ol' Blue doing, son?' his father wants to know
'Awesome! Dad, he's talking up a storm... But you just won't believe this.
They've had such good results with talking, they've begun to teach the animals how to read'
'Read?' exclaims his father 'No kidding! How do we get Ol' Blue in that program?'
'Just send $4,500. I'll get him in the class.'
The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem.
At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk nor read.
So he shoots the dog.
When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited.
'Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to talk with him, and see him read something!'
'Dad,' the boy says, 'I have some grim news.
Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home,
Ol' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal.
Then he suddenly turned to me and asked, "So, is your daddy still bonking that little redhead barmaid at the pub?'''
The father groans and whispers, 'I hope you shot that bastard before he talks to your Mother!'
'I sure did, Dad!'
'That's my boy!'
The kid went on to be a successful lawyer with Slater and Gordon – (a big Law firm in Australia)
but halfway through the semester he has squandered all of his money.
He calls home. 'Dad,' he says, 'you won't believe what modern education is developing...
they actually have a program here in Brisbane that will teach our dog Ol' Blue how to talk.'
'That's amazing!' his Dad says. 'How do I get Ol' Blue in that program?'
'Just send him down here with $2,000,' the young jackaroo says, 'I'll get him in the course'
So his father sends the dog and $2,000.
About two-thirds through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home.
'So how's Ol' Blue doing, son?' his father wants to know
'Awesome! Dad, he's talking up a storm... But you just won't believe this.
They've had such good results with talking, they've begun to teach the animals how to read'
'Read?' exclaims his father 'No kidding! How do we get Ol' Blue in that program?'
'Just send $4,500. I'll get him in the class.'
The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem.
At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk nor read.
So he shoots the dog.
When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited.
'Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to talk with him, and see him read something!'
'Dad,' the boy says, 'I have some grim news.
Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home,
Ol' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal.
Then he suddenly turned to me and asked, "So, is your daddy still bonking that little redhead barmaid at the pub?'''
The father groans and whispers, 'I hope you shot that bastard before he talks to your Mother!'
'I sure did, Dad!'
'That's my boy!'
The kid went on to be a successful lawyer with Slater and Gordon – (a big Law firm in Australia)
Dr.SpringReverb
Dieser Hund
Hot Pants.
dachay2tnr
One Hit Wonder
Liar, liar, pants on fire!
MrUserNameIV
SenselessActsOfCreation
A Muslim, a Jew and a Catholic walk into a studio. They record some music for a few hours. The Muslim says to the Jew: "The bass is a little muddy." The Catholic says to the Muslim: "No it's not," and the Jew says to the Catholic, "We're all out of coffee." They bounce the song and then go home, satisfied at a good day's work.
BroKen_H
Re-member
Man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!"
He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife..
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers....
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not, it's 3 am in the morning and it's bloomin' well pouring with rain out there!"
"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself! God loves drunk people too you know."
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.
He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes," comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing," replied the drunk..
"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!"
He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife..
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers....
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not, it's 3 am in the morning and it's bloomin' well pouring with rain out there!"
"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself! God loves drunk people too you know."
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.
He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes," comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing," replied the drunk..
dachay2tnr
One Hit Wonder
A father told his 3 sons when he sent them to the
university: "I feel it's my duty to provide you with the best possible
education, and you do not owe me anything for that. However, I want
you to appreciate it. As a token, please each put $1,000 into my
coffin when I die."
And so it happened. His sons became a doctor, a lawyer and a
financial planner, each very successful financially. When their
father’s time had come and they saw their father in the coffin, they
remembered his wish.
First, it was the doctor who put 10 $100 bills onto the chest of the
deceased.
Then, came the financial planner, who also put $1,000 there.
Finally, it was the heartbroken lawyer's turn. He dipped into his
pocket, took out his checkbook, wrote a check for $3,000, put it into
his father's coffin, and took the $2,000 cash
He later went on to become a member of Congress...
university: "I feel it's my duty to provide you with the best possible
education, and you do not owe me anything for that. However, I want
you to appreciate it. As a token, please each put $1,000 into my
coffin when I die."
And so it happened. His sons became a doctor, a lawyer and a
financial planner, each very successful financially. When their
father’s time had come and they saw their father in the coffin, they
remembered his wish.
First, it was the doctor who put 10 $100 bills onto the chest of the
deceased.
Then, came the financial planner, who also put $1,000 there.
Finally, it was the heartbroken lawyer's turn. He dipped into his
pocket, took out his checkbook, wrote a check for $3,000, put it into
his father's coffin, and took the $2,000 cash
He later went on to become a member of Congress...
acidrock
GO PACKERS!
It would be funnier if it wasn't true.
BroKen_H
Re-member
A 15-year-old came home with a Porsche and his parents began to yell and scream, "Where did you get that car?"
He calmly told them, "I bought it today."
"With what money?!" demanded his parents. "We know what a Porsche costs."
"Well," said the boy, "this one cost me $15."
The parents began to yell even louder. "Who would sell a car like that for $15?!" they asked.
"It was the lady up the street," said the boy. "Don't know her name. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for $15."
"Oh my goodness," moaned the mother, "she must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what's going on."
So the boy's father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting flowers. He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a Porsche for $15 and demanded to know why she did it.
"Well," she said, "this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip, but I learned from a friend he has run off to Hawaii with his secretary and really doesn't intend to come back. He asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money. So I did."
He calmly told them, "I bought it today."
"With what money?!" demanded his parents. "We know what a Porsche costs."
"Well," said the boy, "this one cost me $15."
The parents began to yell even louder. "Who would sell a car like that for $15?!" they asked.
"It was the lady up the street," said the boy. "Don't know her name. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for $15."
"Oh my goodness," moaned the mother, "she must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what's going on."
So the boy's father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting flowers. He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a Porsche for $15 and demanded to know why she did it.
"Well," she said, "this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip, but I learned from a friend he has run off to Hawaii with his secretary and really doesn't intend to come back. He asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money. So I did."
MrUserNameIV
SenselessActsOfCreation
There once was a man from Nantucket.
Actually, there are a lot of men from Nantucket,
... Women, too.
Actually, there are a lot of men from Nantucket,
... Women, too.