Jokes!!

In keeping with the holiday season:

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

What do you get if you cross a bullet and a tree with no leaves? A cartridge in a bare tree
 
Teenager was upset with his father and stormed off saying, "Jim Morrison was WAY overrated!"
Father says, "Son, what have I told you about slamming Doors in the house?"
 
At the post office I saw a blonde talking into an envelope. She then sealed it, put a stamp on it and placed it in the chute.
I asked her what that was all about, to which she replied, "I'm sending a voice mail..."
 
In keeping with the season...

Husband and Wife Christmas Shopping
A couple were in a busy shopping center just before Christmas. The wife suddenly noticed that her husband was missing and as they had a lot to do, so she called him on the mobile.
The wife said " Where are you, you know we have lots to do."
He said "You remember the jewelers we went into about 10 years ago, and you fell in love with that diamond necklace? I could not afford it at the time and I said that one day I would get it for you?"
Little tears started to flow down her cheek and she got all choked up…
"Yes, I do remember that shop." she replied.
"Well I am in the music store next door to that."

You know who you are!
 
"A young man with his pants hanging half off his rear, two gold front teeth, and a half inch thick gold chain around his neck, walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check.
He marched up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job. I don't like taking advantage of the system, getting something for nothing."
The social worker behind the counter said "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his 2014 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes."
"Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say, but you will also have, as part of your job, the assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive."
The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bull-shittin' me!"
The social worker said, "Yeah, well . . . You started it . . . . “
 
Meanwhile, back home in Idaho...

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A friend of mine called and said she was having a lot of trouble with a jigsaw puzzle. She couldn't even find edge pieces to get started. I asked her what it was supposed to be when it was done. She said according to the picture on the box it was a tiger.
So, I shut down what I was doing and went over to help with a jigsaw puzzle.
When I arrived, she showed me where the puzzle was spread out and she was frantic about not even being able to START the puzzle. So, calmly I said, "Okay, let's just calm down, make some hot chocolate, and then we'll put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box...."
 
On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. "One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me," said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.
Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me ...."
He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.
"Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls!"
The man said, "Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk." When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery.
Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me."
The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' me the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord...?" Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.
At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done...."
They say the old man had the lead for a good half-mile before the kid on the bike passed him.
 
What's Irish and sits in the sun?

Paddy O'Furniture....:groan:

EDIT: This is the only instance I know of of a joke that is only funny if you don't TELL the punch line...not that it's THAT funny.
 
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My doctor asked me if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness.
I told him, "I don't believe so, I think we all enjoy it..."
 
Being constantly offended does not make you right.
It simply means you're too narcissistic to tolerate opinions other than your own.
 
Taylor Swift has a hundred songs about breaking up with boyfriends, and absolutely none about blowjobs...








Do you see where I am going with this?
 
So I went to the doctor the other day. He told me I had to get an "exercise regimen."
I told him I already had one. "Every morning when I get out of bed, I do half a sit up. When I go back to bed, I do the other half..."
He told me that that would never get me in shape, to which I replied, "Dear doctor, round is a shape."
Then completely out of the blue, I mean really left field, he asks me, "Does anyone in your family suffer from mental illness?"
I just can't imagine where that question came from...
But I thought about it for a minute and I asked him, "Do my in-laws count?"
He said, "No seriously, does anyone in your family suffer from mental illness?"
I answered, "No, we all seem to enjoy it...no suffering at all."
But seriously, in-laws are one area I've always been jealous of my wife...she has really great in-laws.
I've always loved her mother-in-law more than mine.
But at least I don't have to talk to my mother-in-law often...she rarely shuts up.
In all honesty, I do have a soft spot for my mother-in-law...Out past the fence line where the dogs can't dig her back up...
 
A cowboy, who just moved to Wyoming from Texas , walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."
The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona , the other is in Colorado . When we all left our home in Texas , we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."
The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.
"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."
"Hasn't affected my brothers though."
 
A fellow crashes his plane on a deserted island and is stranded for years, living off of coconuts, bananas etc. One day as he sits on the beach staring out to sea the head of a diver pops up out of the surf. He can't believe his eyes. The diver waddles up the beach carrying a water-proof bag, removes its goggles and scuba cap and it's a beautiful woman. The castaway is speechless.
"Who are you?" asks the diver and the castaway tells her his name.
"How long have you been here?"
"What year is it?" he asks.
"2016," she replies.
"Then I've been here seventeen years!"
"Well, I'm here with a large group in a yacht on the other side of the cove. I'll swim back and get a boat to come and fetch you. But before I go, do you need anything?"
"You know, I haven't had a Martini in 17 years, but I don't suppose that you would have....."
"Oh but I do! I was scoping for a beach where we could party and I brought a few things with me,"she said. She promptly reached in the bag and whipped out a couple of small bottles and a stainless shaker, made the Martini, dropped in an olive and gave it to the castaway. He was in heaven. "Do you want anything else?"
"I've always loved to enjoy a cigar with my Martini but I don't suppose that you have...."
"Oh, but I do!" She produced a cigar, clipped it, lit it and gave it to the amazed man.
Then a thought occurred to her and she began lowering the zipper of her wet-suit revealing a fantastic figure. "Is there anything else that I can do for you?" she purred seductively."
"Nope, I am completely satisfied," he said.
Down came the zipper even lower. "Are you sure that I can't do anything for you?"
"Can't think of a thing," he said.
Finally in frustration she asked, "you mean that you've been alone on this island for 17 years and you don't want to play around????"
The face of the castaway brightened. "Don't tell me that you've got a set of golf clubs in that bag!?!?!"
 
A Cow's Tail

A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes, and a five iron wrapped tightly around His throat.

Naturally, the Doctor asked him, "What happened to YOU?"

"Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our golf balls into a field of cattle. We went to look for them and while I was looking around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end."

"I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of the cow's arse.


Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife, "Hey, this looks like yours!'"

"I don't remember much after that!"
 
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