Jokes!!
- Thread starter elbandito
- Start date
BroKen_H
Re-member
A Mom visits her son for dinner that lives with a girl roommate.
During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty his roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious....
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between him and his roommate than met the eye.
Reading his mom's thoughts, his son volunteered, “I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, we are just roommates."
About a week later, his roommate came to him saying, “Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver plate. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"
He said,"Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure." He sat down and wrote:
Dear Mother:
I'm not saying that you ‘did' take the silver plate from my house, I'm not saying that you ‘did not' take the silver plate, but the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Love, Your Son.
Several days later, he received an email from his Mother, which read:
Dear Son:
I'm not saying that you ‘do' sleep with your roommate, and I'm not saying that you ‘do not' sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she were sleeping in her OWN bed, she
would have found the silver plate by now, under her pillow…
Love, Mom
During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty his roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious....
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between him and his roommate than met the eye.
Reading his mom's thoughts, his son volunteered, “I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, we are just roommates."
About a week later, his roommate came to him saying, “Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver plate. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"
He said,"Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure." He sat down and wrote:
Dear Mother:
I'm not saying that you ‘did' take the silver plate from my house, I'm not saying that you ‘did not' take the silver plate, but the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Love, Your Son.
Several days later, he received an email from his Mother, which read:
Dear Son:
I'm not saying that you ‘do' sleep with your roommate, and I'm not saying that you ‘do not' sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she were sleeping in her OWN bed, she
would have found the silver plate by now, under her pillow…
Love, Mom
Anticleon
Member
A motorcycle police officer stops a driver for shooting through a red light.
The driver is a real bastard, steps out of his car and comes striding toward the officer, demanding to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo!
So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation.
The motorist instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer's ancestry, sexual orientation, etc in rather explicit offensive terms.
The tirade goes on without the officer saying anything.
When the officer finishes writing the ticket he puts an "AH" in the lower right corner of the narrative portion of the ticket.
He then hands it to the 'violator' for his signature.
The bloke signs the ticket angrily, and when presented with his copy points to the "AH" and demands to know what it stands for.
The officer says,
"That's so when we go to court, I'll remember that you're an Arse Hole!"
Two months later they're in court. The 'violator' has a bad driving record with a high number of points and is in danger of losing his licence, so he hired a big gun lawyer to represent him.
On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run through the red light.
Under cross examination the defence attorney asks; "Officer is this a reasonable facsimile of the ticket that you issued to my client?"
Officer responds, "Yes, sir, that is the defendant's copy, his signature and mine, same number at the top."
Lawyer: "Officer, is there any particular marking or notation on this ticket you don't normally make?"
"Yes, sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an "AH" underlined."
"What does the "AH" stand for, officer?"
"Aggressive and Hostile, Sir."
"Aggressive and Hostile?"
"Yes, Sir.
"Officer, are you sure it doesn't stand for Arse Hole?"
Well, sir, you know your client better than I do.
How often can one get an attorney to convict his own client!!!
The driver is a real bastard, steps out of his car and comes striding toward the officer, demanding to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo!
So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation.
The motorist instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer's ancestry, sexual orientation, etc in rather explicit offensive terms.
The tirade goes on without the officer saying anything.
When the officer finishes writing the ticket he puts an "AH" in the lower right corner of the narrative portion of the ticket.
He then hands it to the 'violator' for his signature.
The bloke signs the ticket angrily, and when presented with his copy points to the "AH" and demands to know what it stands for.
The officer says,
"That's so when we go to court, I'll remember that you're an Arse Hole!"
Two months later they're in court. The 'violator' has a bad driving record with a high number of points and is in danger of losing his licence, so he hired a big gun lawyer to represent him.
On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run through the red light.
Under cross examination the defence attorney asks; "Officer is this a reasonable facsimile of the ticket that you issued to my client?"
Officer responds, "Yes, sir, that is the defendant's copy, his signature and mine, same number at the top."
Lawyer: "Officer, is there any particular marking or notation on this ticket you don't normally make?"
"Yes, sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an "AH" underlined."
"What does the "AH" stand for, officer?"
"Aggressive and Hostile, Sir."
"Aggressive and Hostile?"
"Yes, Sir.
"Officer, are you sure it doesn't stand for Arse Hole?"
Well, sir, you know your client better than I do.
How often can one get an attorney to convict his own client!!!
That is fairly creepy.
You should contribute that to the 'humorous pics' thread over at 'the gear page.
Anticleon
Member
At the National Art Gallery in Dublin, a husband and wife were staring
at a portrait that had them completely confused.
The painting depicted 3 black men totally naked, sitting on a bench.
Two of the figures had black penises, but the one in the middle had a
pink penis.
The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble
interpreting the painting and offered his personal assessment. He went
on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual
emasculation of African Americans in a predominately white,
patriarchal society. 'In fact', he pointed out, 'some serious critics
believe that the pink penis also reflects the cultural and
sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary
society'.
After the curator left, an Irishman approached the couple and said,
'Would you like to know what the painting is really about?'
'Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of
the gallery?', asked the couple.
'Because I am the artist who painted the picture,' he replied.
'In fact, there are no African Americans depicted at all.
They're just three Irish coal miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch
at a portrait that had them completely confused.
The painting depicted 3 black men totally naked, sitting on a bench.
Two of the figures had black penises, but the one in the middle had a
pink penis.
The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble
interpreting the painting and offered his personal assessment. He went
on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual
emasculation of African Americans in a predominately white,
patriarchal society. 'In fact', he pointed out, 'some serious critics
believe that the pink penis also reflects the cultural and
sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary
society'.
After the curator left, an Irishman approached the couple and said,
'Would you like to know what the painting is really about?'
'Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of
the gallery?', asked the couple.
'Because I am the artist who painted the picture,' he replied.
'In fact, there are no African Americans depicted at all.
They're just three Irish coal miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch
Anticleon
Member
An inquiry was being held for an accident at a railway crossing in Punjab India.
A stationmaster was asked by the inquiry commission,
"How many railway crossings are in your area ?"
Stationmaster, "A total 11 railway crossings, 4 unmanned and 7 manned crossings. Of the 7 manned crossings, 4 are male and 3 are female."
After a brief silence the inquiry commission asked,
"What do you mean 'male' and 'female' crossings?"
To which the Station master replied,
"Where the barrier pole goes up, we call it male and where the gates spread open, we call it female!!!
... All Inquiry officials fainted!!!
A stationmaster was asked by the inquiry commission,
"How many railway crossings are in your area ?"
Stationmaster, "A total 11 railway crossings, 4 unmanned and 7 manned crossings. Of the 7 manned crossings, 4 are male and 3 are female."
After a brief silence the inquiry commission asked,
"What do you mean 'male' and 'female' crossings?"
To which the Station master replied,
"Where the barrier pole goes up, we call it male and where the gates spread open, we call it female!!!
... All Inquiry officials fainted!!!
BroKen_H
Re-member
Woman goes to the doctor and tells him she's worried about her husband's temper. "He gets mad all the time, and it scares me."
Doctor says, "I've got a cure for that. When he starts to get mad, get a glass of water, put some in your mouth and swish the water around without swallowing. Keep swishing until he calms down or leaves the room."
Three weeks later she comes back and says, "Doctor, that's amazing. How can putting water in my mouth keep my husband's temper in check?"
"It keeps your mouth shut..."
Doctor says, "I've got a cure for that. When he starts to get mad, get a glass of water, put some in your mouth and swish the water around without swallowing. Keep swishing until he calms down or leaves the room."
Three weeks later she comes back and says, "Doctor, that's amazing. How can putting water in my mouth keep my husband's temper in check?"
"It keeps your mouth shut..."
Mr Clean
AKA Teddy Wong
The Indians on the Aamjiwnaang First Nation reservation in Grand Bend asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was a chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared. But, being a practical leader, after several days, he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the Environment Canada Weather Service and asked, 'Is the coming winter going to be cold?'
'It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold,' the meteorologist at the weather service responded.
So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.
A week later, he called the Environment Canada Weather Service again. 'Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?'
'Yes,' the man at Weather Service again replied, 'it's going to be a very cold winter.'
The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.
Two weeks later, the chief called the Environment Canada Weather Service again. 'Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?'
'Absolutely,' the man replied. 'It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters we’ve ever seen.'
'How can you be so sure?' the chief asked.
The weatherman replied, 'The Indians are collecting a huge load of firewood !'
'It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold,' the meteorologist at the weather service responded.
So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.
A week later, he called the Environment Canada Weather Service again. 'Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?'
'Yes,' the man at Weather Service again replied, 'it's going to be a very cold winter.'
The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.
Two weeks later, the chief called the Environment Canada Weather Service again. 'Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?'
'Absolutely,' the man replied. 'It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters we’ve ever seen.'
'How can you be so sure?' the chief asked.
The weatherman replied, 'The Indians are collecting a huge load of firewood !'
witzendoz
Senior Member
I haven't spoken to my wife for 6 months, .................. I didn't want to interrupt her.
Alan
theDICKENS
Member
I wish I could remember where I heard this but:
"I'm not sexist, cuz sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women."
someone on the internet,
probably
"I'm not sexist, cuz sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women."
someone on the internet,
probably
Anticleon
Member
According to Women, men have so many Useless ‘things’ :-
He has an Adams apple that isn't an apple...
Two calves that will never become cows...
A nose bridge that doesn't lead anywhere...
A roof of the mouth that won't cover anything...
Twenty nails that won't hold a board...
A chest that won't hold linen...
Two tits that won't give milk...
Two buns that won't feed anyone...
A belly button that won't button...
Two balls that won't roll...
An ass that won't pull a plow...
An organ that won't play music and....
A cock that won't crow...
He has an Adams apple that isn't an apple...
Two calves that will never become cows...
A nose bridge that doesn't lead anywhere...
A roof of the mouth that won't cover anything...
Twenty nails that won't hold a board...
A chest that won't hold linen...
Two tits that won't give milk...
Two buns that won't feed anyone...
A belly button that won't button...
Two balls that won't roll...
An ass that won't pull a plow...
An organ that won't play music and....
A cock that won't crow...