I don't usually post just lyrics but...

Garry Sharp

Garry Sharp

Lost Cause
We haven't got a recordable music track for this yet, before we do that I'd be grateful if anybody has any thoughts on how these could be improved (I'm aware of the dream/dreaming issue in the first chorus, but listening to it sung it doesn't seem to notice, so I'm sort of happy with that - unless you tell me otherwise :))

False Dream

I can't believe I never saw the writing on the wall
All those little messages I never heard at all
Things you tried to say to me
I didn't want to hear
Now lonely's come to visit and it's shouting loud and clear

[chorus I]
There's nothing like a false dream darling
To fill your plate and leave you starving
I lost myself in endless dreaming
Woke too late to find you leaving

One on one I thought I knew the meaning of each word
The things that you were telling me were not the things I heard
Was it me you left behind or did you lose your way?
Light don't reach the jungle world of all the things you say

[chorus II]
There's nothing like a false sun dawning
To promise a smile and leave you mourning
Seemed so clear, it's just confusion
Blown away.....
Bleak conclusion.....


Tell me what we talked about those nights we met the sun
All those little promises so heartfelt every one
When all of heaven's angels gathered round our little tryst
To laugh at us and all the troubles hidden in the midst

[repeat Chorus I]
 
yup with a couple of changes, they could work very well. i had a little sing to how id prob write music to it, but this (like you mentioned) is where i had a problem:

[chorus I]
There's nothing like a false dream darling (THAT LINES COOL)
To fill your plate and leave you starving (NOT SURE THIS WILL WORK)
I lost myself in endless dreaming (YES)
Woke too late to find you leaving (YES, POSSIBLY A FEW SYLLABLES LONGER?)


and leave you mourning (I WOULD CHANGE THE WORD MOURNING, REGARDLESS OF RHYMING TO SOMETHING ELSE, EVEN SOMETHING LIKE JUST PLAIN OLD 'CRYING')

theres a song there. seriously. with a few (minor) changes, this could work very well. had a play like i said with my guitar and voice and found it pretty cool to play with. just apart from the above.
 
i might be wrong totally, so just tell me to fuck off if i am....id love to hear some music behind it tho.

cheers
 
I like the story line and the way you tie in "messages I never heard" from the 1st verse and "not the things I heard" in the 2nd verse.

A couple rhymes seem a little forced, but I'm sure in context of the recorded song they will be fine.

While the darling/starving rhyme is a littel rough I really like the line "fill your plate and leave you starving"!! I also really like the line "things you were telling me were not the things I heard"!

The only thing I found myself wondering - should the 2nd Chorus be made into a bridge (rather than a chorus). Natually I don't know what your chord structure is, but that seems like a great place for a change into a bridge.

All in all - good work!
 
Thanks - some good points there. mikeh I particularly liked your bridge idea, think I'll play with that, I see what you're thinking.

man from Brum - the issue I meant was lyrical, rather than musical, but I appreciate your input anyway. What I mean is that lyrics were written to fit the melody, so (I mean, within the limited bounds of my competence :) I'm happy that works, but in a couple of weeks I hope to post the track so you might tell me I'm wrong ;)

Thanks again - much appreciated.

Garry
 
Damn!

I loved the whole context of admitting you were living in denial of what you were doing. Great stuff, but there is one line:
"nights we met the sun", just seems like a cutesy play on words. And I agree with the use of the word "mourning". Are you implying that you have died? :confused: Other than that, I want to hear it with music too! It sounds like there is something definitely happening here!
 
Just suggestions... .. ..

First verse about the writing on the wall and you say you never heard em??

I`d change heard to "got" Kinda like ya didnt get the messages ..

also "heard" is kinda close to "hear" just two lines later. You use "heard" later in the song also. Too much. Touches on redundance

In the chorus "plate and leave" I`d change "and" to "but" Great line btw!

Second verse. This is just an option for the last line which the image at first

felt clumsy in my mind. Not so much the more I read it.

"Light can`t penetrate the jungle world of things you say." This also gets rid one one use of the word "all". Which, count em, you use a lot in this song. Particularly in the last verse but also the first two lines in verse one.

Please take "all" :rolleyes: this with a grain of salt however. Just first impressions on my part.

Cant wait to hear the finished product. COOL SONG!

~airdvl~

PS: I hope you didnt get an email every time I editted this....if so , sorry :o
 
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Thanks - very helpful. Will think about all those comments.

One point to make is that I will always choose words that sound better when sung rather than striving for lyrical perfection (not that I'd achieve it :eek: ) on paper. Also repeated words can, to my ears, work better when heard than when read, sometimes. Nevertheless, very helpful and thanks again.

Hopefully I'll manage to record a demo at some point. One of the posters PM'd me to ask if he could use the lyrics and set his own music to them, so we'll see if anything comes of that.

Cheers

Garry
 
Garry,
It sounds pretty good to me. But I must admit I got tired of the synth pretty quick. I couldn't tell if the bass line and the synth was actually the same instrument (I really like the bass line). If they can be separated, I would suggest you keep the base line, lose the synth and add a funky rhythm guitar in its place.

Good luck with your song and....

Keep writing,
Don
 
Thanks Don. Don't disagree re the synth. It came from when we were experimenting with a bass and vox only live duo (drums on backing tape). The synth is triggered by the bass, but with a lot of ghost notes that fire the synth and not the bass; my attempt at playing two different parts simultaneously! They are on separate tracks; the guitar needs retracking anyway so when our six stringer gets back we'll do what you suggest.

Thanks again for listening :)

Garry
 
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