"Forests"- Feedback please

Oh and heres the lyrics if anyone listens to the words.

dark green tint
is the forest

dark green
is the fog that silhouettes behind the trees

overgrown pathways
partways as they please

a maze infects my
senses like a disease

no light ever seems
to penetrate

natural gate
tree's canopy
only lets the moons rays permeate

and this forest is kind of beautiful
in its own special way

even with the black wolf off the path
teething at the fleshy rib cage

as i float through
this forest silently

i see the black wolf tearing on my arm
but i cant feel its teeth

i think i like this collection of trees
the way they inject me

a place to hide in the shade they provide
buries me in a place no one can see

hey you
stop being dillusional

you cant stay
inside the forest everyday

the wolf will devour
what you thought it couldn't

because right now it has snakes
swimming inside your veins

WHY?

WHY?

are scowls carved in these tree trunks

sharp Vibrations
pulse through the ground

crackling sound
assaults my ears as the earths soil shatters

soil separation
and the islands form

increasing isolation as spacing is born

_____________________


charred and bare is everything below

skin drips
i see how the bones work
inside my hand
porcelain color greets the air
i stayed too long
inner child is gone
wrinkled man cant stand
brittle from the forest in which his head lived
in which his head decayed

fanged butterflies
with cinder wings
congest the air
rivers erupt down my face
i got what i deserved
 
You seem to have a good grasp on your vocal sound. You seem to be comfortable singing. The timing on the guitar seems to be off in a few spots, and the drums get real old and repetitive pretty quickly. The bassy organ sound that starts up at 1:40 or so seems out of tune with the guitar.

I think getting some variation in the drums would be a good first step to work on. MAybe just cutting them out for a few measures here and there, letting the guitar and vox carry on on their own. Then I think adding some additional instruments in there to add texture would help. I think it's an interesting song idea just maybe needs to be developed, and dare I say, restrained a bit? Some of the noisier parts are a little too noisy/not melodic for my tastes.

I like wierder music but this is a bit out of my comfort/familiarity zone so I'm not really sure what else to say. It's definitely got a dark sound.

I'm typing as I'm listening - I'm glad the drums finally change!

Lyrically, you have some very good imagery. I like the words. I think the drums are what turn me off the most. Too much reverb and distortion (or whatever) and too repetitive and fake sounding.
 
andyhix said:
You seem to have a good grasp on your vocal sound. You seem to be comfortable singing. The timing on the guitar seems to be off in a few spots, and the drums get real old and repetitive pretty quickly. The bassy organ sound that starts up at 1:40 or so seems out of tune with the guitar.

I think getting some variation in the drums would be a good first step to work on. MAybe just cutting them out for a few measures here and there, letting the guitar and vox carry on on their own. Then I think adding some additional instruments in there to add texture would help. I think it's an interesting song idea just maybe needs to be developed, and dare I say, restrained a bit? Some of the noisier parts are a little too noisy/not melodic for my tastes.

I like wierder music but this is a bit out of my comfort/familiarity zone so I'm not really sure what else to say. It's definitely got a dark sound.

I'm typing as I'm listening - I'm glad the drums finally change!

Lyrically, you have some very good imagery. I like the words. I think the drums are what turn me off the most. Too much reverb and distortion (or whatever) and too repetitive and fake sounding.
Click to expand...

Hey, thanks for giving it a listen. I agree the drums are totally trashy, I was and still am pretty clueless. However, in the past week I have got a lot better with the drum programming so I'm going to go back tonight and attempt to re-do the drums. Right now, through at least the first 5 minutes or so, I consider the drums to be non existent in that they don't add anything to the song.

In regards to the bass organ sound being off tune, I'm not sure what is going on there. What I am doing there is playing the playing the same note that I was strumming on the guitar, but just hitting it once each time on the bass and holding it through. I went with such simplicity because It's hard for me to figure out what key to play in, etc.

Anyway, thanks for the input, it will help me a lot. I'm going to go and try to change some things.
 
That's pretty trippy. It's like Deftones and Sister's of Mercy jamming on qualudes. I like the textures but it seems to drag a bit. If you could come up with some tighter, hooky bass/drum stuff to move it along it would help. Maybe speed it up by a few bpm. The mix is pretty decent but the bass and drums could probably come up overall.
 
TexRoadkill said:
That's pretty trippy. It's like Deftones and Sister's of Mercy jamming on qualudes. I like the textures but it seems to drag a bit. If you could come up with some tighter, hooky bass/drum stuff to move it along it would help. Maybe speed it up by a few bpm. The mix is pretty decent but the bass and drums could probably come up overall.
Click to expand...

Hey thanks for the input. Based on what you have said about it dragging on, and what the other person has said, I think I can improve upon this quite a bit by completely overhauling the drums. I realize now that the drums I put down were not only trashy as hell, but Its like I totally forgot to use the drums to accentuate the dynamic changes of the song. I never really paid any attention to drums until a few weeks ago.

Adding in the extra bass line is a good suggestion to, but very hard for me, since I don't know music theory much at all, so it's often hard for me to figure out which key I am in, etc.

Anyway thanks a lot to both you. This is already helping.
 
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