@RFR, nobody is trying to "gaslight" you - just trying to help. Yes, you need to take a few deep breaths and go back and read some of the posts. A lot of the consternation has to do with Apple's terminology/naming, defaults, and the switch from iTunes to "Music" where they really want you to sign up for a service, but it's not required, though I've gotten comfortable with it, since I got a few free months with the AirPods I got last Xmas, and tried it as a replacement for Spotify. The fact that it integrates with an app I was already using (i.e., iTunes/Music) is actually a plus for me, but not everyone. Different strokes and all...
Also, there's a lightning to 3.5mm adapter you can get for a couple bucks, and Apple also included (IIRC) wired earbuds with just the lightning connector. I'll send you one or the other if you PM me your address.