Burnt out again...tear em apart or prop em up please

F

Fat_Satchel

I suffer Narcoleptic Rage
I really am burnt out on life right now, and that don't help me decide if this is a lemon or not (yea I know...only I could know that)

The hook is in the acoustic guitar riff so without an mp3 you prolly won't find it nearly as catchy as I do hehe

Anyways...tell me what sucks and what don't if you wouldnt mind

Burnt Out Again

Verse
Time after time
I’ve fallen down
Just to pick myself up again
And get turned back around
And time after time
I’ve played the fool
I’ve played the actor and the clown
And the rebel without a clue
I’ve told lie after lie
Man, I’ve told them all
And I’ve taken on the world
With my back to the wall

Chorus
Though just a little further down the road lies The End
I don’t think I can make it
I just don’t have the strength
I’m finding out how hard it is to pretend

The light at the tunnel’s end is burnt out again
[The light at the tunnel’s end is burnt out again]
<Repeat 2x>

Verse
Time heals everything
Or so I’ve been told
Can it heal a cold, cold heart?
Or fix a damaged soul
I feel broken and out of touch
Lost and out of control
The memories in my mind
They seem withered and old
I’m standing here at the brink
And I’m losing my hold
Because time won’t wait for me
And I can’t wait no more

Chorus
Though just a little further down the road lies The End
I don’t think I can make it
I just don’t have the strength
I’m finding out how hard it is to pretend

The light at the tunnel’s end is burnt out again
[The light at the tunnel’s end is burnt out again]
<Repeat Ad Nauseum>

Copyright © 2004 by Matt Brosnan
 
Wow...utter silence. I never know what it means. Is it so completely bad or good that it leaves you all speechless? If I performed this on stage would nobody clap at the end?

Eek! wut a thought! ROFL

Bump.
 
Alright, I'll throw my .02 in. I like the title/chorus. Neat idea - the liht at the tunnel's end being burnt out. There's al AWEFUL lot of cliche statements though, throughout the rest of the song. That may work for some people, and some styles of music more than others. For me, though, I tend to think "I've heard all this before" and that maybe it's a lazy way of songwriting. that's not to say your song in particullar is "lazy" but that's what cliches make me think in general. I'd suggest maybe trying to create your own metaphors to add some originality to it. But, again, a lot of the stuff in your song is also on songs getting a lot of radio play, so take my comments "with a grain of salt."
 
I have to agree with Andy. It's a country song to be sure. A whole bunch of cliche's in there. If you could tone that down, you definitely have something there....
 
I think it's good. I agree there are certain cliche' phrases but it seems 90% of music is a cliche'. Let's face it songwriter's have been telling their stories for a whole lot of years - just about everything has been said - so it gets very hard not to say it again.
 
I really appreciate the input, it means alot to get unbiased perspective.

I really cant disagree with you guys on any points youve made

Rokket
yea it certainly has a country feel, guitar riff included, although it certainly was not written from a country background. And though I love the riff and i agree there is something here, maybe gut the verses and add a bridge, its still one of those that wont make the cd...like you said...much too country

Thanks for the crit!

Andy
Ahh...yes, Ive heard this all before. so true hehehe. Sometimes ya gotta throw comercial concerns out the door and just get how ya feel out on the floor so you can see it squirm. Its never pretty.

Its rife with cliches'. From start to finish. Whats more its mired in that godawful pity-me perspective that seldom goes over well hehehe. As for it being written "lazily", I get what you mean but I'll point out this is the 2nd complete rewrite, topic change Ive written for this riff. [think I posted the 1st here too titled "the other day"...more cliche hahaha]

Really appreciated

Mikeh
Thanks for the post! Although Im sure theres a niche for something like this out there. It doesnt work for the cd im putting together. The sentiment is ok but the vehicle stands out like a sore thumb hehehe. Personally, I think its a great song, personally do I think the world needs to hear this?.....naaaaa

Its fun to play and it was fun to write and Ill drag it out sometimes when Im feeling down but its been B-listed hehehehe

Thanks guys! Much appreciated...
 
I think with some changes, though, you have something that could get solid. Try to change the riff, make it a bit edgier, or forgo a riff altogether and try to play natural chords to it and see what happens. There is something there, it's just a diamond in the rough. Break out the polish and see what happens!
 
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