What should I do with Louie?

[jayoneill]

Here's some lyrics I wrote a few years ago. The story is incomplete and I'm not sure what to do with Louie. He's running away from something in his past when he falls head over heels with a blonde bombshell he meets in a bus station. However, he can't have her because "somebody else had something in store for Louie."

Anybody wanna add a verse or two?


Louie

[Verse]
Louie bought a ticket for the last train out of town.
He couldn't face up to turning around,
And look over his shoulder to find out what he's doing wrong.

[Chorus]
Louie's a young man, strong and brave.
He had a good childhood. He's even been saved.
But something inside of him died a long time ago.

[Verse]
Then right smack dab out of the clear blue sky,
A bleach blonde bomber with big blue eyes
Came into station and sat down right next to Louie.

[Verse]
Louis said, "This girl's gonna change my life,
I'll make her my woman, I'll make her my wife."
But somebody else had something in store for Louie.

[Chorus]
Louie's a young man, strong and brave.
He had a good childhood. He's even been saved.
But something inside of him died a long time ago.


Thanks!
Jay

 

[Nilbog]

I think it could use a little variety. It's kind of a story telling song so you can get away with is being a little longer. Instead of doing verse chorus verse chorus, you should try doing verse verse chorus verse chorus bridge chorus or something with little prechoruses in between and stuff.

Of course, the song may contain all this and it may be in the form of music rather then words. Do you have a rough recording you could post?

 

[applesmasher]

I think thats a very good song! Does it have a happy ending though? At least a hopeful ending that he might get the girl would be good.

 

[jayoneill]

Nilbog & applesmasher,

Thanks for your comments. The song is incomplete as I'm not sure how to end it. I believe the order needs reworked... it does need a hopeful ending. I will try to post a rough recording soon.

Jay