October / November challenge - Joseph's critiques of the participants

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I will go through the list that Gecko posted and critique them one by one, in order.... but not all at once! :-)

Set Free ~ cnix

Verse 1
It’s not the ending I had planned.
Her crumpled picture in my hand.
As her love for me fades, fades away.
I’m living with a broken heart.
Life’s meaningless with us apart.
Searching for a way, to make it through the day.

A simple title that explains exatcly what the song is about.

I reeally like the imagery that the first verse paints. My first impression is that the song may be a ballad or a slow love song.

Chorus
I just want to live.
I just want to love.
I just want to free her hold on me.
Break the chains that bind my grief.
And be set free. And be set free.

Some of the most effective choruses are the simple ones, that convey a simple, pure point. This one achieves that. Everything reads excellent so far.

Verse 2
All alone with nothing left inside.
Hollow feelings I can’t hide.
I’m living day by day, day by day.
Left with just an empty soul.
Drained by the love she stole.
Searching for a way, to make it through the day.

I like this verse, overall, but something about the line that begins with "Drained by..." seems like it could be a little stronger, for effect.

What about...

A trust betrayed by love she stole

Just a thought, but it may sit fine with me, as it is, when I hear it as you intended. Judging lyrics without the context of music is sometimes challenging.

Chorus
I just want to live.
I just want to love.
I just want to free her hold on me.
Break the chains that bind my grief.
I just want to laugh.
I just want to cry.
I just want to free her hold on me.
Break the chains that bind my grief
And be set free, And be set free, And be set free

Nice twist on the chorus at the end.

I think you have a nice set of lyrics, cnix. Good work! I look forward to hearing your demo. :)

Cheers,
Joseph
 
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Gone ~ Strat1958

Empty house, empty streets
Same old same old, just repeats
Empty feeling in my soul
You had gone

Empty nights, empty days
Stumbling through it, in a haze
It was out, of my control
Since you’d gone

The title is simple, and it conveys the message of the song nicely.

Great first verse. It paints a good portrait of what is happening.

[CH]
Coming home, the room was cold
Overnight, I felt so old
Coming home, the light was on
But it was dark
Yeah it was dark
Because you’d gone

A solid chorus. It stengthens the central theme of the song.

How did I help, create this mess?
The whistling wind, cried emptiness
I heard a voice outside the door
But you’d gone

I wouldn’t change, I wouldn’t say
That everything was not OK
My footsteps echoed, on the floor
Cause you’d gone

This verse relates the theme of the song well. I am imagining it as a slow, acoustic song with a simple arrangement.

[BRIDGE]
Now there’s a phrase, time has a way
And tomorrow doesn’t have to be today
Don’t start over – start again
Pull some sunshine through the rain

Good sentiments here. I especially like the line "don't start over, start again".

[CH]
Coming home, the room is warm
Clouds are clearing, from the storm
Coming home, the light is on
My emptiness
My emptiness
Yeah my emptiness is nearly gone

Nice closure that conveys emergence from the emptiness.

Good job, Mike! I look forward to hearing your recording, and I hope you treat us to some of your fine work with the strat, my friend. :)

Cheers,
Joseph
 
Your observations are bang on, Joseph...I have come up with a melody and chord structure, and it will indeed be a slow acoustic treatment. I want to make it simple and intimate, along the lines of Nick Drake or Beck Hansen.

I will start the recording process over the next few days.

Thanks so much for your kind comments on my lyrics.
 
...

original lyrics in question...

"Left with just an empty soul.
Drained by the love she stole."


its a good image, I think, just lacks some "flow"

how about...

"Left alone with just an emp-ty-soul... drained away, by the love-she-stole..."



I am picturing those 2 lines sung with more "emphasis" and "gravelization", is I believe the term I am thinking of...
 
SEDstar said:
original lyrics in question...

"Left with just an empty soul.
Drained by the love she stole."


its a good image, I think, just lacks some "flow"

how about...

"Left alone with just an emp-ty-soul... drained away, by the love-she-stole..."



I am picturing those 2 lines sung with more "emphasis" and "gravelization", is I believe the term I am thinking of...
Click to expand...

That's a good point, SEDstar. I cannot disagree.

Cheers,
Joseph
 
emptiness ~ louisv

I've been walking
on a road so empty
no one drivin'
sidewalks lonely

My biggest point of disagreement during the challenge has been the use of "emptiness" as the title. On the one hand, I like simple titles, such as "Emptiness", that mask something much deeper underneath. But, there are so many ways to describe emptiness. Okay, rant over.

Loiusv, I like the first part. You paint an immediate, visual landscape that gets the song off and running.

tell me brother
how is mom doing
our loving mother
is she farm shopping

The is very interesting. The use of "farm shopping" is very unique and colorful.

yeah what' up with dad
he remembers me?
glad he's not mad
at me..

It is not becoming clear that the song involves a son/brother who is estranged from his family for some reason.

and how about my big brother
he taught me everything
is he still a lawyer
just like i still sing

Perhaps a note of regret? Simple curiosity? Remorse? I like this very much because it leaves open the interpretation for the listener to decide.

and hey what's up with you
is your cat alright
what you got two?
now thats not right

An element of amusement or humor emerges in the song.

haha yeah i'm comming back
just to take some rest
but when i came back
home was an empty nest

This section describes what many feel when the find that they have remembered "home" too well, only to find that it has completely changed when they return.

Good set of lyrics, Louisv. I look forward to hearing your recording. :)

Cheers,
Joseph
 
Joseph,

Thanks for the nice review, i would like to mention that i wrote this song with my little brother so some parts are very personal and that I'm glad you liked it as for the title i really didn't think of it at all just named it emptiness for the challenge .
 
Emptiness ~ upfiddler

When I seek I always find
Loneliness and me entwined.
Each passing hour does remind
Me of this Emptiness.

I think a title like "It's Time To Go" is more creative, Dave. Hey, you asked for brutal honesty! ;-)

When I write, I usually search for ways to replace what I call "dead" words to breathe more life into a line. For instance, take the word "does" in the third line. What about...

Each passing hour I breathe reminds
me of my emptiness

All alone
Yet I’m surrounded.
The gates of hell
Have clearly sounded.
A time to reap
And time to sow.
The meter clangs
It’s time to go.

Dave, I know your penchant for crafting Ray Steven's type songs (which I enjoy, by the way) and with the "the meter clangs" I get the impression this may be one of those songs. Good chorus. :-)

If I could simply find a friend
And not another passing trend.
I’d take their hand and we’d ascend
From this Emptiness.

For some reason, the final line seems better to me with the word "above" substituted for the word "from" -- above this emptiness.

All alone
Yet I’m surrounded.
The gates of hell
Have clearly sounded.
A time to reap
And time to sow.
The meter clangs
It’s time to go.

So I slip back to my room
Wishing life could now resume.
Perhaps exchange this Baby Boom
For some dark Emptiness?

Interesting final section! I'm pondering the meaning. Back to life before electric lights? ;-)

All alone
Yet I’m surrounded.
The gates of hell
Have clearly sounded.
A time to reap
And time to sow.
The meter clangs
It’s time to go.

Good song, Dave. I look forward to hearing it!

Cheers,
Joseph
 
Thanks Joseph. I love your word substitutions and will use them if it's all right with you. The "brutal honesty" is what I find most useful. Thanks for that. The title was a misunderstanding on my part. I thought everyone's
Challenge Entry was to be titled Emptiness. I cranked this out in a hurry to meet dealine and should have looked at the examples of others first. The last verse is where the subject is actually pondering suicide and escaping the Baby Boom generation. Perhaps it is written too vaguely. I will look at it again.
 
I agree with Joseph's suggested word changes, and in particular his observations about 'dead words'.

The challenge was to write a song with a theme of emptiness. I took the soft option and called mine 'Emptiness'.

I confess to being less analytical with my reviews, ging more for a 'visceral' approach. I haven't had a lot of time and cosnider things in depth.
 
up-fiddler said:
Thanks Joseph. I love your word substitutions and will use them if it's all right with you. The "brutal honesty" is what I find most useful. Thanks for that. The title was a misunderstanding on my part. I thought everyone's
Challenge Entry was to be titled Emptiness. I cranked this out in a hurry to meet dealine and should have looked at the examples of others first. The last verse is where the subject is actually pondering suicide and escaping the Baby Boom generation. Perhaps it is written too vaguely. I will look at it again.
Click to expand...

Yes, please feel free to use my suggestions, Dave!

And please don't change the last section! Vague is good! For example:

Boring:
I walked into her room
and there she was

But it could become:
I slipped into her world of walls
her angel's glow appeared

The rephrasing is abstract and could mean many things. I prefer to write in this way, for the most part. So, yes, I liked your last part and was not suggesting a change. Having a listener ponder the meaing is good, IMHO!

Cheers,
Joseph
 
icystorm said:
Vague is good! For example:

Boring:
I walked into her room
and there she was
Click to expand...

"Vague is good" . . . . I totally agree! It leaves room for the listener's imagination, and gives them greater leeway to identify with the song.

However . . . sometimes the dryness and specificity of lyrics (such as the 'boring' example mentioned) can also be exactly what is needed to convey a particular emotion.
 
I'm not bright enough for vague....I take the direct approach! :D

-Mike
 
I'll confess that I actually heard Mike's song before finally getting around to reviewing the lyrics. That's what I get for procrastinating. :rolleyes:

emptiness ~ gecko zzed

in a chest I kept my thoughts
safely under lock and key
when I opened up that box
there was nothing there
just emptiness
nothing left
for me

There is a riddled ambience in lyrics like these, which I like. At this point, listeners are not sure of what is unfolding in the story, which should lend to curiosity and draw them in.

Obviously, this is a song with an element of introspection, but what type of introspection? Lament? Sadness? Somber reflection? The listener gets to decide, but it seems dark!

all my words had turned to dust
crumbled stories never told
I turned the casket upside down
and hoped for something left
no emptiness
nothing there
for me

Now the storyline is becoming a little clearer, but there are still plenty of good, loose ends for the listener to resolve. Good section! The use of casket adds a twist to the mystery.

I cannot find any words
left alive to tell the tale
I will have to start anew
This time I will not fail

This section communicates that the subject has not succumb to despair and will try again. It conveys hope.

I walk along an empty street
waiting inspiration's call
my feet kept up a steady beat
but there's nothing there
just emptiness
nothing there
at all

This is the best section of the song!

You set up the aura of emptiness in the early sections, then you gradually conveyed a sense of hope to the listener as the song progressed and neared the end. Then, whammo! You brutally snuffed out all elements of hope at the last second! That's great! The crushing blow at the end! Good stuff, Mike!

I have one final set of lyrics to review, but I think yours are the best so far, IMHO. Good work.

Cheers,
Joseph
 
yellow dress ~ nzausrec

You're my girl
and forever will be mine
the sweetest apple on the trees
in any orchard
in any valley
Forever will be mine
forever will be mine

Good title and opening verse. I am imagining this as a warm, acoustic song... sung father to daughter.

Born from your mother's pain
so proud so free
to watch you appear that day

Now without you I cry
A pretty meadow, a little stream
butterflies flying
a yellow dress
that flutters in the leaves

Very nice section, with seasonal elements and a decided sense of absence because the daughter is gone.

There's a little girl in your hands
Lord, a little girl in the palm of your hands
and you watch over her
and you look out for her
and you make a little place
where the good things are

and you watch over her
and you look out for her
and you make a little place
and I'll be with her once more

Goods ideas and a nice storyline, nzausrec. The lyrics are among the best here, IMHO. I'm looking forward to hearing it.

Cheers,
Joseph
 
Strat1958 said:
I'm not bright enough for vague....I take the direct approach! :D

-Mike
Click to expand...

LOL. I don't think I am either. Heh.

Anyway, whatever you're doing, keep it up, Mike. It works! You've written some very good songs.

Cheers,
Joseph
 
gecko zzed said:
"Vague is good" . . . . I totally agree! It leaves room for the listener's imagination, and gives them greater leeway to identify with the song.

However . . . sometimes the dryness and specificity of lyrics (such as the 'boring' example mentioned) can also be exactly what is needed to convey a particular emotion.
Click to expand...

I agree, Mike. Simple and direct is often needed.

Cheers,
Joseph
 
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