My first song I'm sharing.

M

marshall409

Active member
Ok so almost all the stuff i try to write comes out like poetry. I'm having trouble picturing my words in a song, but anyway. Here is my first one I've decided to share. Fifteen years old remember :o I know it needs help, but I really like the message I;m trying to get across with this song so I want to work on it. It's about how everything has changed for a kid in the past 5 or 6 years(post 9/11 , columbine, SARS, etc.)

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Verses

Does anyone recall, years before the towers would fall?
Kids would walk home alone, nobody use to need a cellphone.
Do you remember when, CNN wasn't so hell bent on
Scaring the shit out of you?

They banned merry go rounds, and had them torn out of the ground.
They said we had to be inside, before the streetlights started to shine.
Strangers became enemies, all thanks to Larry King.
I remember when, there'd be some good news now and then.

Chorus

But then 20/20 had to warn all the mommy's about
Child rape, and Columbine, rising crime, teen suicide.
I remember when
The schoolyard didn't have a fence
But now all news is bad news.
________________________________________________________________

So that's all I've got so far. I'm working on more verses, probably a bridge or maybe a rockin solo :cool: . Any input is greatly appreciated.

Adam
 
Geez .. I'm 34 and I don't remember a time when the news wasn't trying to scare the hell out of everyone!

Seriously though, great work, especially for a 15-year old. You've got some good images in there and there's a "wise beyond your years" quality to it.

Good job!
 
I agree with Beagle! The CNN and Larry King lines are top notch, and they stick out alot from the others, its a great contrast. Honestly, I dont know an awful lot about the state of play in the US since 9/11, because I'm Irish. But i guess, like Bruce Springsteen said, fear is a powerful thing.

In terms of song-writing critique, you're right; it reads more like a poem. Easily fixed; you need to work on structure a tiny bit, and maybe try make the chorus into a hook, i.e a catchy phrase that the listener will identify and be pulled in by.

Great job kid.
 
Good solid start Marshall409.....I agree with what's been posted so far...
I would also suggest:
- add some rhyming to the lines
- take out the cuss words. I just don't think they're needed to make your point and they'll turn off a few readers.

Look forward to your revisions/finished product.....

:) :D :) :D
 
Thanks alot

Thanks alot guys for your input.

I agree the cuss words seem out of place. I will revise those.

Its funny you'd mention your Irish because I'm Canadian!

That's also sort of a second theme too it. America is making the world look like such a dangerous place that Canadians think they need to be worried too.

Any other suggestions are greatly appreciated.

Adam
 
Honestly, I love the cuss words...could be me, but I like them. It creates a contrast. And there's only so much metaphor people will take, especially on this subject, before you tell it like it is. Besides, its only one word.
 
Thanks

Also a good point about the shit. I'll look it over some more tonight.

Any tips on fixing up the structure a little bit?

By the way, this will be a sort of mild rock song, with some punk roots. In case you're wondering about the style of music.

Thanks for the rep points too guys.

Adam
 
Think about sylables....some of your lines run on longer than others...this is called 'enjambement' and happens alot in poetry. However its far less prevalent in music given the fact that you're (normally) keeping time with a steady beat.

Also, a little rhyming could help. Im not saying a poetic a/b rhyming scheme or anything like that. But for where you have

'Child rape, and Columbine, rising crime, teen suicide.'

You could try

'Child rape and rising crime, teen suicide and Columbine'.

read it out loud i think it sits better.
 
I like and agree with your message in the song. (I remember trick or treating without adults and getting more home made cookies than candy!) So you're fifteen? Einstien did most of his stuff before he was twenty-one. When your work is good, it's good. Don't let your age bother you. Stay at it.

BTW - I think your signature has an even better song potential.

$.02 from an old guy. :D
 
"Got roads to drive, got roads to drive." Can't get it out of my head. I think you should run with it. ;)
 
up-fiddler said:
"Got roads to drive, got roads to drive." Can't get it out of my head. I think you should run with it. ;)
Click to expand...


haha im afraid someone beat him to it - Rockin in the Free World, by Neil Young, another great Canadian artist.
 
TelePaul said:
Think about sylables....some of your lines run on longer than others...this is called 'enjambement' and happens alot in poetry.
Click to expand...

'I told her, don't talk about things you don't understand,
I say, don't talk about things you don't know nothing about'
Randy Newman, Christmas in Capetown.

Enjambement isn't one line longer than the other. Enjambement is one line running into another.

As in:

'Brought on by a freight
Train, moving with a
Simple twist of fate'

The word freight satisfies the rhyming scheme, but it's an incomplete line, the train falls into the next line to satisfy metre.
 
Sorry Adam, I'm just ragging on my brother for fun. It's a great song, great lyrics, I like the cuss word, it's all good. And I'm studying Canadian literature at the moment, which is cool.
 
The story line is very cool. I always thought Dirt Laundry by ???? I think Don Henley was a well crafted bite at TV news and your story line goes in the same general direction. I don't mean this in a negative way - I mean to suggest that it is very good subject matter. A comparison to Henley is not a bad thing at all.

As already indicated in a more traditional song format, the phrasing could be a challenge and the rhymes could be improved - but again very good subject matter.

The suggestion from TelePaul for changes to line 2 of the chorus is a very good example for improvements to the rhyme pattern without significantly changing your message.

For what it's worth - I too think the curse word is not really needed to tell your story, seems almost forced (swearing for the sake of swearing) and as you indicated the "shit" word seems "out of place"

There are some message songs (often in rap) in which the swear words fit because the entire story line uses street words (I never like to see swear words in siong - but in the rap genre there is at least a logical reason). However, your message using traditional, conversational wording - makes the single swear word seem out of place and awkward.
 
Thanks!

TelePaul said:
Think about sylables....some of your lines run on longer than others...this is called 'enjambement' and happens alot in poetry. However its far less prevalent in music given the fact that you're (normally) keeping time with a steady beat.

Also, a little rhyming could help. Im not saying a poetic a/b rhyming scheme or anything like that. But for where you have

'Child rape, and Columbine, rising crime, teen suicide.'

You could try

'Child rape and rising crime, teen suicide and Columbine'.

read it out loud i think it sits better.
Click to expand...


Thanks alot for that suggestion. I think that is something that I'll have to leave for now until i start working on this with my band. or maybe just when i start working it out with music myself. I was thinking originally that columbine and suicide were kinda "close enough" you know? alot of times when you really think about how words are sung in a song, they dont really rhyme that much when you write them out or even just say them. but ill definitely keep that part in mind. to me, rising crime, teen suicide, and columbine could pretty much all interchange. if i worry about it too much ill screw it up live lol.


up-fiddler said:
"Got roads to drive, got roads to drive." Can't get it out of my head. I think you should run with it.
Click to expand...

TelePaul said:
haha im afraid someone beat him to it - Rockin in the Free World, by Neil Young, another great Canadian artist.
Click to expand...

haha ya if only that were mine eh?

mikeh said:
I always thought Dirt Laundry by ???? I think Don Henley ...
As already indicated in a more traditional song format, the phrasing could be a challenge and the rhymes could be improved - but again very good subject matter. The suggestion from TelePaul for changes to line 2 of the chorus is a very good example for improvements to the rhyme pattern without significantly changing your message. For what it's worth - I too think the curse word is not really needed to tell your story, seems almost forced (swearing for the sake of swearing) and as you indicated the "shit" word seems "out of place" However, your message using traditional, conversational wording - makes the single swear word seem out of place and awkward.
Click to expand...

Thanks alot. I;m not familiar with that song, but I'll check it out. I'm looking over the chorus right now. I'm thinking that whole part might became more of a bridge if i can come up with a hookier chorus. Ill repost my next revision for all of you guys to see.


anyway thanks alot guys. unfortunately this is almost definitely my best song so far, so try not to be too disappointed when i share some of my other work :p

Adam
 
Yeah, trust me, as soon a syou throw a few chords or a melody line behind it, the structure will fall into place. Good job!
 
thank you in advance

i have not used this forum before, and i stumbled across it by chance while looking for answered to a currently still unanswered question about connecting a recording desk to pc via nuendo software.

that said, i liked your song, even as a none american (and thus i dont know much about names mentioned or CNN) and it is about to inspire me to write a song with a similar message right now...

i tell you what il do, il post the first lyrics i get on here, and have you tell me how bad they are. :)
 
32-20-Blues said:
Sorry Adam, I'm just ragging on my brother for fun. It's a great song, great lyrics, I like the cuss word, it's all good. And I'm studying Canadian literature at the moment, which is cool.
Click to expand...

Yeah, and I will be neg repping your ass for it.
 
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