Lyrics writers, I need some ideas...

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Rokket

Rokket

Trailing Behind Again
http://www.soundclick.com/bands/1/krystalcobramusic.htm

I wrote a song that was a straight instrumental as a way to deal with my grandmother's death in 1997. I recently recorded it put it on this site. Many of the members who looked at it (it's not a GREAT mixing job, it's only DECENT, and I don't mind that. I posted it to get an evaluation and it's hard to hurt my feelings). Can you check out what I've done and offer some sort of lyrical suggestions? I wrote it celebrate her life in contrast to everyone else around me who was mourning her passing. There is a strong verse and a short chorus that could be extended a few more measures, and I think they are pretty clear. I will add a bridge in there if needed, and probably an interlude for the chorus. And the drums dropping out mid-song will go away (unless that would make a good interlude and stay away from a guitar solo).
Please help! I want to make it great, it's a tribute to a woman I have loved very much!
Thanks!
 
Hi Rokket,

When I listened, I heard a very nice-sounding backing track (drums can come up) waiting for a lead instrument or a lead vocal.
A lead piano, guitar, vocal, something .Right now I feel you have a good-sounding 'bed'.
The tone of the track is cheerful and (perhaps) a little cheeky; any manner of affirming lyrics about your grandmother should fit nicely on top of it.
I can't really offer more without further info.
Put potential lyrics over on the songwriting site, if you wish, for evaluation.
I lived with my grandmother for 17 years; it's a different kind of loss than a mother, but can be as hard.

Best,

CC
 
...I really am tired; we ARE on the songwriting site :-)
feel free to post ideas/thoughts if you want some lyrical input, but from scratch it's a bit tough.

CC
 
I will jot down some thoughts and try to put something together. I am not sure which way to go with this. I know it's a good "bed", so I was just looking at ways to improve it. I don't really know if I want lyrics. Maybe just a lead instrument...
Thanks for the help. I will keep plugging at it.
 
Do you have some photographs of her? Maybe you could take those out and take your guitar or piano, whatever you use to compose, and play your chords while you look at those pictures. Or just start to make a list of all your memories of her. As you make that list, play the progression once in a while. Use that as a springboard to get your lyrics.

LN
 
i didnt get a chance to hear the music because i m at work but i agree with layla, get out some pics and try to remember everything about your grandma from her smile to the way she talked everything and just start writing down your ideas.

I wrote it celebrate her life in contrast to everyone else around me who was mourning her passing.
Click to expand...
IMPO i would start here, build from this idea and if in the end you come up with something totally different thats fine. i just think you can build a chorus from this. hope this helps.
 
JaQsonA1 said:
i didnt get a chance to hear the music because i m at work but i agree with layla, get out some pics and try to remember everything about your grandma from her smile to the way she talked everything and just start writing down your ideas.

IMPO i would start here, build from this idea and if in the end you come up with something totally different thats fine. i just think you can build a chorus from this. hope this helps.
Click to expand...
I wrote something yeserday, but after I read it, it was totally off base of what I wanted. My feelings were hurt when she died, and it came out in my writing. Wow! I didn't even realize that I was still mourning her. I guess I didn't allow myself that luxury when she died. Still, it's out in the open for me to see. I can deal with it and take your suggestions and write a proper song to the music. :o
 
Cosmic said:
Hi Rokket,

When I listened, I heard a very nice-sounding backing track (drums can come up) waiting for a lead instrument or a lead vocal.
A lead piano, guitar, vocal, something .Right now I feel you have a good-sounding 'bed'.
The tone of the track is cheerful and (perhaps) a little cheeky; any manner of affirming lyrics about your grandmother should fit nicely on top of it.
I can't really offer more without further info.
Put potential lyrics over on the songwriting site, if you wish, for evaluation.
I lived with my grandmother for 17 years; it's a different kind of loss than a mother, but can be as hard.

Best,

CC
Click to expand...
What do you suggest I can do to make it less "cheeky"? What part of the song made you feel that? The whole thing? I have been writing and rewriting it since 1997. I never thought to change anything, but if you think it needs something...?

Edit: this song is aimed at my mother, who never really appreciated Grandma when she was alive, and it became a case of "don't know what you've got till it's gone". If that would be any help...
 
Rokket,

The 'cheeky' reference is simply of a feeling of life and kickin' attitude, so don't change a thing.
However, as you say, your mom didn't appreciate her when alive, so I think you already have a major element for lyrics there.
It's not easy though, because that element can easily overwhelm your original intent: writing about her qualities, and about your feelings for her.
You can go the 'internal route' and write about her and you, and use, incidentally, that she wasn't appreciated.

Or you could go the admittedly harder route and write a song that says: there was a good woman, she made a difference in my life, and you didn't care until it was too late, aimed specifically at your mother.

I am a complete novice at songwriting, so what I am saying is simply my emotional response to your material, which matches some of my story with my grandmother too.

I hope this can be of help,

CC
 
I think that tune is screaming for a vocal track. Its good. The mix is also decent and above.
Maybe a tad more difference in the instruments on the "chorus" part would have make the difference more obvious. But that can ocoz be handled by the vocals, choring etc..
 
Emusic said:
I think that tune is screaming for a vocal track. Its good. The mix is also decent and above.
Maybe a tad more difference in the instruments on the "chorus" part would have make the difference more obvious. But that can ocoz be handled by the vocals, choring etc..
Click to expand...
I planned on changing the verse chords up a bit and make that a chorus. I am going to use the little 50's guitar "chorus" of this as a bridge, and change that a bit as an interlude between the chorus. I will post it when I get it. I think I will have good lyrics in the next couple days. I will post them here for you guys to pick apart for me.
Thanks!
Eddie
 
My first draft

Here it is, in all it's madness. This is very rough, so please give me feedback and some tips. If you can download the instrumental, I think it will almost sing itself (there are some meter and rhythm issues). :)

Leona
(First draft)

Ever since I can recall
You were always there for me
To kiss my cheek whenever I fall
Making sure I had all I needed
Fight the tears I want to shed for you
I can’t believe you’re gone
Wish I could take all those tears
And fill my empty heart

Can’t figure out where I belong
Why’d you go and leave me alone?
Was it something I did wrong?
Or something I should have known?

(Chorus)
I’ve bared my soul for you
I’ve cried all my last tears
Holding a candle for you
Hated you for leaving me here
Time can’t erase the good times
Memories washed till they glow
Life’s not the same without you
I just thought that you should know

Tucked away still in your prime
Out of sight and out of mind
Have a life we have to live
We’ll stop by if we have the time
Such a shame we cannot see
The treasure hidden in front of us
Lost we then come to realize
The true value of a mother’s love

It's kind of dark, so I don't know if I really want to use these lyrics. Plus it dawned on me as I was writing that this could really hurt my mother, who feels guilty enough. :(
 
I think I will use these lyrics, and just fix some of the issues with the meter. Any thoughts? Please feel free to post!
 
Hey Rokket,....i tried something new the other day. I had a tune,...no lyrics. I hooked up the mic and babbled out whatever came out. Then I went back and wrote the lyrics by trying to figure out what the babble sounded like. It turned out,..one hell of a cool story for a tune and some really good lyrics.

Might not work for ya,..but somethin' to try when you are in a similar situation.

Take 'er easy,..
Calwood
 
I am going to go back and take out the darker lines, and ease into the idea of mom taking her for granted when she was alive, and regretting it after she died. This song is going on a CD that I am giving to my mom. I don't want to add salt to the wound. I will continue to work on it, and see what happens.
 
It just hit me!

I know what I am going to do now. I was just going over the lyrics, made one small change and it hit me: write it from MY MOTHER'S point of view! I will post it when it's done. I hope to be laying the groundwork by Friday. I have to redo the song to fit the lyrics. I will post it on my site for all to hear. :D
 
Rokket said:
Here it is, in all it's madness. This is very rough, so please give me feedback and some tips. If you can download the instrumental, I think it will almost sing itself (there are some meter and rhythm issues). :)

Leona
(First draft)

Looking back I can recall
You were always there for me
To kiss my cheek whenever I fall
Making sure I had all I need
Fight the tears I want to shed for you
I can’t believe you’re gone
Wish I could take all those tears
And fill my empty heart

Can’t figure out where the time has gone
Why’d you go and leave me alone?
Was it something I did wrong?
Or something I should have known?

(Chorus)
I’ve bared my soul for you
I’ve cried all my last tears
Holding a candle for you
Hated you for leaving me here
Time can’t erase the good times
Memories washed till they glow
Life’s not the same without you
I just thought that you should know

Tucked away still in your prime
Out of sight and out of mind
Have a life we have to live
We’ll stop by if we have the time
Such a shame we cannot see
The treasure right in front of us
Lost we come to realize
The true value of a mother’s love

It's kind of dark, so I don't know if I really want to use these lyrics. Plus it dawned on me as I was writing that this could really hurt my mother, who feels guilty enough. :(
Click to expand...
I changed the first line of the bridge to:
Can't figure out where the time has gone, and made some other changes to the rest of it. Seems to have made a difference. I emailed the lyrics to my mother, and if she approves, this is the song I am going to work on. Please tell me if something isn't sitting right so that I can work on it. You know how it is with your love child, you can't see the faults. ;)
By the way, the lyrics as posted above are the edit... ;)
 
Last edited:
I rewrote it a bit and sent it the lyrics to my mom in an email. She liked it, so I am going to work on it this weekend. Hopefully I will have a finished version to put on my site soon!
 
Rokket said:
Tucked away still in your prime
Out of sight and out of mind
Click to expand...

i like the idea, but would look at the second line and think if thats really what youre trying to say. IMHO, when i was trying to write a similar one for my mother, I was thinkin that they are out of sight, but never out of mind. you dont forget.

i really like what youve got here. i can feel it too, having lived with similar experiences. there are lots of questions in there that you wanna know, questions that always come up after a death of a loved one. why? why? why did you have to go? etc etc

fine tune a few of the words, and as long as singing them feels comfortable 100%, go with them.

(ps sorry its taken so long to reply to your threads, the move is complete now!)

cheers

mark
 
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