Very interesting stuff --- especially the drum part in the B section. After one full listen, I'm still not exactly sure what's going on there. Makes me want to listen again to figure it out.
What is your recording chain for the guitars, vocals, and bass?
Sorry I don't think the part B works. The composition idea is good, but the double hit on the kick drum at the end of the phrase is not working for me with the rhythm. Maybe accent it differently IDK.
This reminds me of early of Montreal. I'd look to them for inspiration on song structure.
I tried not to read other replies and be influenced so sorry if some of this has been said. I think you need space at the beginning before you jump into the vocal, even if it's just playing the chord for 4 beats... even if you hit the chord once for a whole bar or measure and then jump in... it just needs some space.
In my mind, this seems to be in an A B C A B C format, with A being your apparent chorus.
A beginning with the "fallen leaves in the winter..."
B beginning at 0:24 with "and I'll..."
C beginning at 0:51 with "I'm going down"
The C section is the bridge to me.
I might consider doing an A B A C B A structure and changing the lyric in the second B section.
Mix-wise I think the timing could be tightened on the double vocal and in general the vocal could be brought down a few dB. There's a scratchiness on one of the tracks so maybe use a subtle noise remover on that, but it's not too distracting. I'd also compress the guitars a bit more personally and play with panning and expand the stereo field to make it feel wider. I think the parts themselves are fine, but again I also enjoy early of Montreal stuff so if that's not the vibe you're going for then you could certainly go in a more pop direction.