Hello.....

[Richie Woods]

Impressed here as well. very good lyrics...nice end, "and when they see that you know they'll try to hide
they know you've become insecticide".


Of course, I think I suck at lyrics. When I get a chance I'll post some that faired very well (semi-finalist) in a national song writing contest.

(note to self)
*must work more on lyrics!*

 

[small]

2 cents

Hiya mbuster,
Let me just start out by saying I don't go in much for the doom & gloom type lyrics, just not my bag. That being said & since you're interested in improving lyrics here's my 2cents. I hope you will find it constructive.

The insect metaphor is a good one & your first verse is solid. Good set up for your protagonist. Nice subtle working in of the bug theme.

The chourus has some kida obvious rhymes but it gets the point accross (gun lyrics particularly overused). Also if you are the gun you are clearly NOT the love. Maybe "your's is the love..." I'm nit picking but you want your chourus to really ring true. You might consider writing the first 2 choruses in a "before the realization" mode & the last one "after the realization".

The second verse is the weakest link. I'm not getting the sense that this is the turning point the way I should be & I miss the insect connection you worked into the first verse so cleverly. You can make the second verse resonate a lot more if you work that insect theme back in. This might be the trickiest verse for you since it wants to be your protagonists turning point.

The last verse is solid too, the return of the insect theme is welcome & that combined with the family theme makes it a good resolution & the strongest verse.

Overall it's a good early effort. The theme of The Man trying to keep me down & I'm gonna rise up is so standard that if you're going to use it you have to really put an angle on it...insects maybe.

Keep on writing!! It's the best way to improve. This kind of critique is so subjective that it will only take you so far.

 

[mbuster]

Re: 2 cents

Hiya mbuster,
Let me just start out by saying I don't go in much for the doom & gloom type lyrics, just not my bag. That being said & since you're interested in improving lyrics here's my 2cents. I hope you will find it constructive.

The insect metaphor is a good one & your first verse is solid. Good set up for your protagonist. Nice subtle working in of the bug theme.

The chourus has some kida obvious rhymes but it gets the point accross (gun lyrics particularly overused). Also if you are the gun you are clearly NOT the love. Maybe "your's is the love..." I'm nit picking but you want your chourus to really ring true. You might consider writing the first 2 choruses in a "before the realization" mode & the last one "after the realization".

The second verse is the weakest link. I'm not getting the sense that this is the turning point the way I should be & I miss the insect connection you worked into the first verse so cleverly. You can make the second verse resonate a lot more if you work that insect theme back in. This might be the trickiest verse for you since it wants to be your protagonists turning point.

The last verse is solid too, the return of the insect theme is welcome & that combined with the family theme makes it a good resolution & the strongest verse.

Overall it's a good early effort. The theme of The Man trying to keep me down & I'm gonna rise up is so standard that if you're going to use it you have to really put an angle on it...insects maybe.

Keep on writing!! It's the best way to improve. This kind of critique is so subjective that it will only take you so far.

Hey, thanks for the input! You've brought up some interesting points I hadn't really thought about. Firstly, I never came anywhere NEAR thinking, "Hmmmm, my themes are good, but my protagonist needs a turning point." I never thought of it in those terms. I was just trying to write a personal song about the way "someone" might feel. The song is definitely not about "THE MAN" keeping anyone down. It's about a kid with a sick family.
As far as the chorus goes, I can feel you about the obvious rhyming, because I usually hate that, but I like the duality of of the love/gun part. It's quite possible to be both, especially if you're a kid struggling with mixed emotions about a family you think you SHOULD love, (but that was 'unclaimed and brushed aside') but now hate because of what they'e done to you for so long.
I guess I'm past the point of changing anything on this song, except the inevitable remixing, because it's been quite a while since I did it. But Your reply has definitely opened my eyes a bit andI will DEFINITELY think about those things in my writing from now on.

Thanks everyone for the help!

 

[small]

Dig it.
Sometimes I think about this kind of crap TOO much but I'm
glad to be of help. Good luck with the next tune (always a more exciting prospect than the last tune).

love on,
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