Got Jokes?

  • Thread starter Thread starter RezN8
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A former trumpeter in Buddy Rich's old band called Buddy's house one day. This was shortly after Buddy's Funeral. Buddy's wife answered the phone and a voice on the other end asked in a clear voice, "Hello, is Buddy there?".

"No." his wife said, a little choked up. "I'm sorry, I guess you haven't heard. Buddy died a week ago.". "Oh!" said the voice at the other end "Thank you." and then he hung up.

The next day, the phone rang again and once more Buddy's wife answered it and a voice asked, "Hello, is Buddy there?". The wife recongnized the voice from the day before and thought it was a bit peculiar. "I'm sorry, I thought I told you yesterday. Buddy died a week ago." "That's right!" said the voice, "Thank you." and then he hung up.

This went on for three more days and Buddy's wife was sure there was something wrong with the man who kept calling. She even placed the voice as a former band member.

Finally on the sixth day, the phone rang again. "Hello, is Buddy there?". Buddy's wife had enough of the caller and shouted into the handset "I've already told you several times now, DON'T YOU GET IT? BUDDY IS DEAD!!!!"

"I know" said the caller "I just like hearing you say it!" *click*
 
You see, Buddy's bandmates thought he was an ass, so they really didn't like him, but since he was paying them....

Damn! If I gotta explain the joke...
 
How do you get two piccolo players to play in perfect unison?
Shoot one.

What's the difference between a fiddle and a violin ?
Who cares - neither one's a guitar

Did you hear about the guitarist who was in tune ?
Neither did I

Why are so many guitarists jokes one liners ?
So the rest of the band can understand them

What's the definition of a minor second?
Two oboists playing in perfect unison.

How do you get a guitar player off of your front porch ?
Pay for the pizza.

What do you do if your bassist is drowning?
Throw him his amp.

~Saint Peter is checking in new arrivals in heaven....~

"What did you do on Earth?"
"I was a surgeon. I helped the lame to walk."
"Well, go right on in through the Pearly Gates"

"What did you do on Earth?"
"I was a school teacher. I taught the blind to see."
"Fine .. go right on in through the Pearly Gates!"

"What did you do on Earth?"
"I was a musician. I helped make sad people happy."
"You can load in through the kitchen."

What's the difference between an oboe and an onion?
No one cries when you chop up an oboe.

What's the difference between a bassoon and a trampoline?
You take off your shoes when you jump on a trampoline.

"Mommy! Mommy! When I grow up I want to be a guitar player!"
"Now Johnny, you can't do both!"

Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get away from the bassoon recital.

A trombone player and an accordion player are playing a New Years's eve gig at a local club.. The place is packed and everybody is absolutely loving the music .. shortly after midnight, the club owner comes up to the duo and says, "You guys sound great .. everybody loves you .. I'd like to know if the two of you are free to come back here next New Year's eve to play ?? ...
The two musicians look at each other then to the club owner .. and the trombone player says "Sure .. we'd love to .. Is it OK if we leave our stuff here ??"

Why do clarinetists leave their cases on the dashboard?
So they can park in the handicapped zones.

What is "perfect pitch?"
When you lob a clarinet into a toilet without hitting the rim.

What's the definition of a nerd?
Someone who owns his own alto clarinet.

What do you call a bass clarinetist with half a brain?
Gifted.

What's the difference between a lawn mower and a soprano sax?
You can tune a lawn mower, and the neighbors are upset if you borrow a
lawn mower and don't return it.

If you were lost in the woods, who would you trust for directions: an
in-tune tenor sax player, an out of tune tenor sax player, or Santa Claus?
The out of tune tenor sax player. The other two indicate you are hallucinating.

How do you make a chain saw sound like a baritone sax?
Add vibrato.

How many trumpet players does it take to change a lightbulb?
Five: one to handle the bulb, and the other four to tell him how much
better they could've done it.

What do a vacuum cleaner and an electric guitar have in common ?
Both suck when you plug them in

How many lead guitarists does it take to change a light bulb ?
None...they just steal somebody else's light

What do you say to a guitar player in a 3-piece suit ?
"Will the defendant please rise ..."

Two guys were walking down the street ...one was destitute ...
the other was a guitar player as well ..


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How do you make a trombone sound like a french horn?
Stick your hand in the bell and play all the wrong notes.

What's the difference between a dead trombonist in the road and a dead country singer in the road?
The country singer might've been on his way to a recording session.

How do you improve the aerodynamics of a trombonist's car?
Take the Domino's Pizza sign off the roof.

What kind of calendar does a trombonist use for his gigs?
"Year-at-a-glance"

How can you tell which kid on the playground is the trombone player's kid?
He doesn,t know how to work the slide and he can,t swing!
 
Hey! Copying and pasting from another website is cheating!! :)
 
Q: What's the difference between a violin and a viola?
A: The viola burns longer.

Q: You get into an elevator. In your pocket is a gun with two bullets. In front of you stand a symphony conductor, an operatic soprano, and a violist. Who do you shoot?
A: First, you shoot the violist. Then you shoot him again, just to be sure.

Q: What's the difference between a bull and a symphony orchestra?
A: On a bull, the horns are in the front and the @$$hole's in the back.

Q: How many trumpet players does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Only one, but he just holds the bulb up and the world revolves around him....

Q: No, really, how many trumpet players does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Four: one to change the bulb and three to say that they could do it higher and faster.

Q: How many drummers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: What's a lightbulb?

A slight variation of one already posted follows:
Q: What's the difference between a chainsaw and a bari sax?
A: Vibrato, but this can be minimized by holding the chainsaw very still.

Q: If a grand piano falls down a mine shaft and kills someone, what key is the resulting crash?
A: A-flat minor.

Q: If a grand piano falls on Air Force brass, what key?
A: A-flat major.

Q: If a grand piano falls on Britney Spears while vacationing in France?
A: A-flat augmented over C.

Q: What did the guitarist say to the drummer during a tour of a Timex factory?
A: Wow, a room full of clocks that can't keep time any better than you!

Q: Why do pianists often only play with their right hands?
A: So they can keep playing while they throw things at the drummer.

Q: Define gentleman.
A: A gentleman is someone who can play the alto sax... but doesn't.

Q: What is the range of a tuba?
A: About five yards if you have a strong enough arm.

Q: How many orchestra musicians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Umm... I believe it is stated clearly in my union contract that this is the responsibility of the maintenance department....

Q: How do you keep a drummer busy?
 
Q. What do you call a trombone player with a pager?
A. Optomistic

Q. What does a chick singer do the morning after a gig?
A. Get dressed and go home

Q. How is a chick singer like a lanoleum floor?
A. You can walk all over them

Q. How do you get a drummer off your front porch?
A. Pay him for the pizza

Q. How do you know a drummer is at the door?
A. The knocking speeds up

Q. How do you know a singer is at the door
A. The knocking slows down, and they don't know when to come in

A hunter is following a guide into the deepest jungle of Africa. They hear drumming from the jungle, the drumming continues on and on, the hunter says, when will that drumming stop? The guide says, very bad when drumming stops! They continue deeper into the forest and the drumming goes on and on, getting louder. The hunter can barely maintain his sanity - when will that damn drummin stop? he shouts. The guide again says, very bad when drumming stops. The hunter screams what can be so bad when the drumming stops? The guide looks very concerned and replies, bass solo!

Hey, I've got a million of em'. I'll be here all weekend - and remember to tip your waitress!
 
ExplodingDrumr: A drummer, sick of all the drummer jokes, decides to change his instrument. After some thought, he decides on the accordion. So he goes to the music store and says to the owner, "I'd like to look at the accordions, please."

The owner gestures to a shelf in the corner and says "All our accordions are over there."

After browsing, the drummer says, "I think I'd like the big red one in the corner."

The store owner looks at him and says, "You're a drummer, aren't you?"

The drummer, crestfallen, says, "How did you know?"

The store owner says, "That 'big red accordion' is the radiator."
 
drummers have discovered the most powerful contraceptive in the world: Their personalities

What's the last thing a drummer says in a band?
"Hey guys, let's do one of my songs."

How can you tell if the stage is level?
The drool comes out of both sides of the drummer's mouth.


So a rythm guitarist were talking at a band practice, and the guitarist said, "WOW man, how do you play my part so low???"

How many guitar players does it take to cover a Stevie Ray Vaughn tune?
Evidently all of them.
 
DuoToneBand said:
ExplodingDrumr: A drummer, sick of all the drummer jokes, decides to change his instrument. After some thought, he decides on the accordion. So he goes to the music store and says to the owner, "I'd like to look at the accordions, please."

The owner gestures to a shelf in the corner and says "All our accordions are over there."

After browsing, the drummer says, "I think I'd like the big red one in the corner."

The store owner looks at him and says, "You're a drummer, aren't you?"

The drummer, crestfallen, says, "How did you know?"
The store owner says, "That 'big red accordion' is the radiator."
Click to expand...

... So the drummer says

"Well then just give me that red horn over there on the wall."

and the owner says "That's a fire extinguisher."
 
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