First Lyrical Post

[Valley Arts Kid]

OK here goes . . . seeking constructive criticism . . .

"Make Believe"

V1

How can you know the things you say?
Everybody feels that you are make-believe,
Still you've been outside your world.
Stop & go, we hardly move around
Still we've come so far
Listen to the sound . . .

Ch

I remember when you came to me
There were no others there
To see the light
When you fell from the sky.

V2

How can you know the way I feel?
I never tell you about the meetings now
We're sharing space
We come & go
And say "Hello," ya know,
How ya doin', where ya goin
Love your face.

(chorus)

 

[Emusic]

If you could post some music with the lyrics sung it would be a lot better. Right now they are just text and has to be judged as a text, not a song lyrics. As a text they are far from strong imo, but add some music and it might become a whole new ballgame.
What are you trying to say with these lyrics? The chorus seems odd to me.
Keep it up.

 

[up-fiddler]

Ch

I remember when you came to me
There were no others there
To see the light
When you fell from the sky.

(chorus)

I like this inference to her Angelic qualities. Well done. I don't understand the verses. Either they are too personal or I am too dense. Don't be afraid to rewrite many times. You can always throw the rewrites away if you don't like them. Experiment and have fun with it. Welcome to the board, keep posting.

 

[musicwilleatu]

cool great job i like no criticism here

 

[BryanMoore]

I get the lyrics, and I like them. With the right music and melody this could really be something, imo. However, the wrong music and/or melody would completely ruin the lyrics, as can happen even with the best lyrics in the world.