First lyric attempt

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newbiewriter

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Hey guys

I recently found this forum searching for info on songwriting, anyway, today I decided to take the great leap and join and even further, to post a first draft of my first lyrics. All kind of feedback is welcome because I really want to learn from my mistakes. The song is pretty much about the media and their constant stream of, on the one side of the aspect, fear provoking stories and, on the other side, Idols "rise to fame" kind of shows.
Please note, the bridge is probably the least finished part, it was basically just something I jotted down to have a quick Idea or frame.
Thank you guys in advance, I hope I will get some constructive feedback.


did you climb the tallest mountain
can you sing within the key
did you find a sunken treasure
at the bottom of the sea

do you know which way the wind blows
before the clouds will tell
we need you in the spot light
let your quarter kiss the well


Cause all we hear about is butterflies and bitter flues
in the final laps of a fading race does it matter who win or loose

do you fear thine neighbour
are you scared of the crowd
is it the man on the corner
the man who might be looking out

for a right time to rob you of
2 cents and a cup of trust
keep your focus on tomorrow
'cause green leaves a' gonna rust

Cause all we ever hear about is butterflies and bitter flues
in the final laps of a fading race does it matter who win or loose

(bridge)
you keep us glued to this routine
as a hand on a morning coffee mug
untie my sticky fingers
from your columns full of shocks


Cause all we ever hear about is butterflies and bitter flues
in the final laps of a fading race does it matter who win or loose
 
I found the lyrics to be interesting and engaging. I think they would work well within a suitable musical framework.

I note that the metre is a little inconsistent throuhout, but that may not matter when translated to song.

The one word that I pondered about was 'thine'. I was wondering why you just didn't use a plain old 'your' instead. However, I expect it is a sideways reference to 'love thy neighbour', in which case, you may get away with it.

The 'butterflies and bitter flues' is clever, but I wonder if it is strong enough lyrically. The line that follows seems a bit contrived, i.e. engineered to find a rhyme for 'flues''. It's worth keeping, but I'd spend some time on it to see if ti can be made a bit tighter and less rambling.

Other than that, everything seems fine . . . I'd be interested to hear how it turns out musically.
 
Hey

Thank you so much for the reply.
You are right in your critique. I used thine as a reference to the bible, it seemed right at the moment but might seem a bit pretentious or epic without any real reason to back it.
Concerning the rhyme in the chorus you are also right, I was basically trying to find a rhyme to flu, I think the reason why I chose this sentence was because I felt it sounded good but also as a way of saying that I was tired of hearing about those things and that the world is pretty far off anyway, hence the fading race

Anyway, Im really glad to get some feedback
 
Be prepared to edit the lyrics slightly to fit the metre of the music once you start laying down a backing track.

Oh yeah, and a good start.

Amanda
 
Yup, the word 'thine' stood out of place for me, too. Even if it is a biblical reference, I don't think it works to well in this case, but it doesn't kill the song, either. I think you should just write the word Because instead of Cause. More than likely, the first syllable will be a pick up note anyways, so a singer is going to sing the word Because.

Here's a nice a little community of songwriters where you can post your work and get feedback:

http://www.songwriter101.com/forum/

Friendly group of people.
 
I think thy/thine follows the same rules as a/an. Since "neighbor" starts with a constonant, you'd use "thy."

The first verse sounds like it wouldn't be out of place in a Disney movie (i.e. Poccahontas), but depending on your musical accompaniment, you might be able to pull it off.

As to Gekko's comment on the chorus (rhyming bitter flues and win or lose), a good tip that I've heard is that when you have a fairly weak line rhyming with a stronger line, you can switch the order to make the weak line sound better. Since people tend to assume the lyrics were written in the order they appear...

Welcome to the forums, by the way.
 
If you hadn't said it was about the media etc. I wouldn't have had a clue what the song was/is really about. In general you need a hook or line to tie all the verses together.
I don't see a hook there to bring satisfaction to my mind what it is your *story* is about or trying to tell. I.E. you write:
*you keep us glued to this routine
as a hand on a morning coffee mug
untie my sticky fingers
from your columns full of shocks *

Who keeps us glued, and to what routine do you refer?
Columns full of shocks?
Because you told me before I read, I assume you mean newspaper columns. But if I hadn't known that I would be lost in the lyric..
In songwriting you have to try to be clear what you are trying to portray so the listener can follow you and stay interested.
Hope this helps a bit
Buy a book on songwriting.
salmac
 
Salmac has a point: if you want people to receive a particular message, then you have to spell it out clearly. One way of doing it is with a hook that binds the whole thing and gives it context.

However, ambiguity does not worry me, and I like having to unriddle a set of lyrics. I like it when words are left open to interpretation.

I actually thought that the verse Salmac quoted was particularly well constructed, showed a good use of language and demonstrated considerable wordcraft:
"you keep us glued to this routine
as a hand on a morning coffee mug
untie my sticky fingers
from your columns full of shocks"
 
I guess we need both.....

gecko zzed said:
Salmac has a point: if you want people to receive a particular message, then you have to spell it out clearly. One way of doing it is with a hook that binds the whole thing and gives it context.

However, ambiguity does not worry me, and I like having to unriddle a set of lyrics. I like it when words are left open to interpretation.....
Click to expand...

Agreed fully on both points. I get tired of pop, rock, and C/W songs that are 'hooky' to the point of cliche both lyrically and instrumentally. However, to 'sell' a message or story the listener needs to be involved long enough to actually start digging to uncover the riddle inside. A hook will keep them coming back. Buried ambiguity and cleverness will show them that you are an able tunesmith. hope this helps, Dave. aka up-fiddler
 
Hey folks

Thank you so much for all the replies, it is great to get so many great responses.
 
gecko zzed said:
Salmac has a point: if you want people to receive a particular message, then you have to spell it out clearly. One way of doing it is with a hook that binds the whole thing and gives it context.

However, ambiguity does not worry me, and I like having to unriddle a set of lyrics. I like it when words are left open to interpretation.

I actually thought that the verse Salmac quoted was particularly well constructed, showed a good use of language and demonstrated considerable wordcraft:
"you keep us glued to this routine
as a hand on a morning coffee mug
untie my sticky fingers
from your columns full of shocks"
Click to expand...

Let me expound a bit here..I have no prob with the wordsmithing either, but it has to be connected. random great lyrics does not a song make if you can't make head or tale (intended spelling) of the song as a whole, in essence you end up few songs in one.
As for ambiguity, no prob here with it either once each part of the *ambiguous* pertains to or is tied into the song. Don't confuse ambiguity with mystery.
salmac
 
salmac said:
Let me expound a bit here..I have no prob with the wordsmithing either, but it has to be connected. random great lyrics does not a song make if you can't make head or tale (intended spelling) of the song as a whole, in essence you end up few songs in one.
As for ambiguity, no prob here with it either once each part of the *ambiguous* pertains to or is tied into the song. Don't confuse ambiguity with mystery.
salmac
Click to expand...

In another thread I referred to a song needing to have a 'spine' runing through it. By this I mean a key thought or theme that the lyrics dwell on in some way. However, not all (nor even any) of this spine needs to be visible. For example, the spine of a song could be a break-up and the emotions felt during and following this. The actual break-up may never be directly referred to in the lyrics, which instead could dwell on images, metaphors and assorted hints. Having a spine means that (with luck), there will be a consistency running through the lyrics which gives the listener a sporting chance of deducing the composer's intention for the song, even if they are highly ambiguous.

Having just gone through all that, there are a number of notable songs that do just as Salmac describes, i.e. string together "random great lyrics"; e.g. Subterranean Homesock Blues, I am the Walrus, A Day in the Life" . . . and I'm sure there are heaps more like that. Those songs work because of their "random great lyrics", their ambiguity and consequently multiple interpretations.
 
gecko zzed said:
In another thread I referred to a song needing to have a 'spine' runing through it. By this I mean a key thought or theme that the lyrics dwell on in some way. However, not all (nor even any) of this spine needs to be visible. For example, the spine of a song could be a break-up and the emotions felt during and following this. The actual break-up may never be directly referred to in the lyrics, which instead could dwell on images, metaphors and assorted hints. Having a spine means that (with luck), there will be a consistency running through the lyrics which gives the listener a sporting chance of deducing the composer's intention for the song, even if they are highly ambiguous.

Having just gone through all that, there are a number of notable songs that do just as Salmac describes, i.e. string together "random great lyrics"; e.g. Subterranean Homesock Blues, I am the Walrus, A Day in the Life" . . . and I'm sure there are heaps more like that. Those songs work because of their "random great lyrics", their ambiguity and consequently multiple interpretations.
Click to expand...

Hey I love em also...I just don't understand em :-)
salmac
 
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