Do I need to tweak this lyric?

  • Thread starter Thread starter Strat1958
  • Start date Start date
Strat1958 said:
Well I've never been homeless, even when I was a starving musician back in the late 70s. :)

There are a ton of shitty songs played on the radio, and one of the things that released me from my inability to write, was that exact realization. I can write a song and it doesn't have to be perfect.

I do appreciate the time you took to help; thank you.

I ain't no Bruce Springsteen, but I like his approach to songwriting:

"The mistake is to start thinking that you are your songs. To me a song is a vision, a flash: I see characters and situations." (Springsteen, 1974)

"All I do, like, I write down my impressions of stuff, like, and what I see, you know."(Springsteen, 1975)

"The songs I write, they don't have particular beginnings and they don't have endings. The camera focuses in and then out." (Springsteen, 1980)
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To quote Janis Joplin"I dont write the songs i just sing them as they come to me"
 
"I want to be here."

I don't get what statement you're trying to make with this - you sound sad for her, but she then tells you why she's happy to be there.

"If they only had a bit more drive"

This makes the singer sound like a bit of a self congratulatory patronising arse - you want the audience to identify with the singer, not dislike him/her.
They could start anew

I think it's in danger of sounding like the singer is snob looking down his or her nose at the homeless, offering them unwanted pity. I'd try and tweak the lyrics to empathise with them rather than looking down upon them.

I'd love to hear the final song though and hope my critique doesn't come across as too critical.
 
cybergord said:
I think the chorus is too patronising
Could look at it from another angle
Or you're coming across to self righteous
Put yourself in their shoes and express your feelings as opposed to theirs.

Verses are great as they are.
Click to expand...

I've now read this comment and he said exactly what I was trying too, but more articulately!
 
Thanks for the comments, Ed. Not too critical at all.

The song is on my Soundclick page if you'd like to hear it, the link is in my signature.

-Mike
 
Lots of good comments. I hope that I didn't overlook anybody elses covering my point here, which is:
Inconsistent mode...
Who is "I" Who is telling the story. You risk losing your audience when you switch the person saying "I " It only takes a microsecond for the listener to tune you out.
Other wise a good idea for a song

chazba
 
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