A funny one!
I read this today and thought you might all enjoy it. If it offends anyone, I apologise in advance, it is tendered in peace and in the pursuit of humour only.
THE BOOK OF JOBBING PART IV: GOD CREATES SIDEMEN
A newly discovered and translated fragment (c)2000 by Steven G. Hashimoto
"And so the great Leader Nebulon did embark upon a search for suitable Sidemen for his orchestra, and he could find none; For in those days there were not many, and those that he could find were already working; Some worked the Ark with the House of Noah, and some had the house gig at The Walls of Jericho. And many played behind the scat-singing team of Shadrach, Meshach and Abednago.
So Nebulon did return to the Lord and saith, "Lord, there are many musicians, but no Sidemen!", and he rent his clothing.
And the Lord did say, "Schmuck! Hast thou looked everywhere? Didst thou call the Union?"
And Nebulon did say, "Lord, I have looked high and low, especially low, and only one or two could I find. What shall I do?"
And the Lord did afflict Nebulon with boils, saying "Leave me to think on this!"
And just to buy some time he did also visit a plague of locusts on
Egypt.
And the Lord did summon a league of Angels, and sent them forth over the land, commanding them to find him some Sidemen.
And the Angels did go to the four corners of the earth, but the only unemployed Sideman they could find was one holy man in India who did play the horn with the slide.
So with great fear the Angels did return to the Lord with the bad news, and filled with wrath he was. "How can this be? At one time the world did teem with Sidemen, as a dead oxen does with maggots!"
And the Angels did say, "Lord, many left the business, many have
become idiots, and some have even become Leaders, and no Leader will work for another Leader."
So the Lord did cause drought for 40 days while he thought, and the answer came to him. He did recall that there was a factory, part of his Beasts Of The Field, Inc., division, that was in disuse. For it had been used to create Golems, for which there had been no great demand, and so He had closed down the operation. And He thought, We can retool, and start turning out Sidemen.
And so it was done, and the Sidemen started rolling off the assembly line. But somehow a remnant of the Golem program remained, and the Sidemen did come out acting unpredictably.
Some stammered and stuttered, some talked to themselves under their breath, and some would not bathe.
Some refused to shave their beards or to have their hair shorn, and some refused to wear the Jobbing Toga.
And some wore the Toga, but left them crumpled in their chariots in between Gigs, or slept in them, or wore Togas from eons past, with ruffles.
And some did not believe in maps, and wandered the land aimlessly looking for the Gig, and some did not believe in the use of
the hourglass, and arrived at the Gig whenever they chose.
And some loved the wine of dates, and some loved the burning of hemp.
And some were created without ears, and some with knuckles where their eyebrows should be.
And some did worship the gods Trane, Jaco, Mahavishnu and Ornette, and mocked their Leaders.
And some did steal food from the buffet line, yea, even before the
Guests had dined.
And some did try to lay with the Chick Singers, and some with the
Guests.
And some did not Read, and some could only Read, and not Blow.
And some had no social skills, and some had no musical skills. And many of them were Dark, not in pigmentation of the skin, but in the Outlook on Life.
But every once in a while the line did produce a Perfect Sideman; One who followed orders without question; One who showed up on time; One who wore the Toga; One whose chariot always ran; One who Knew Tunes;
But these Perfect Sidemen were few and far between, and besides their eyes were glazed, and they were shunned, for they were Boring, and knew not how to Hang.
And soon the land teemed with Sidemen milling about, looking for
Gigs, complaining and whining and arguing and occasionally stabbing each other in the back.
And the Lord looked down upon his work, and said, "It will do".
Dana Point was one unmissable place (=watering hole
), Laguna Beach was another. And San Diego itself was unbelievable.
So you got 2 more to even just catch up. One piece of advice - do not, under any circumstances, pick the Giants.
Our plan is to sell up and move to Spain. Its the nearest we have in Europe to San Diego
