A slight re-write of some previous lyrics...

[mjr]

I'm working on the following. This will probably be a slow, relatively short song (although I may add a verse or an instrumental break in the middle:

Your Forever (Is Shorter Than Mine)
© Me

V1:
You told me you'd love me forever
I thought you meant for all time
Then you left, told me good bye
the words you spoke were just a lie
Your forever is shorter than mine.

Ch:
My forever is till the end of time
yours is just till you change your mind
and I know you just can't deny
Your Forever Is Shorter Than Mine.

V2:
I thought your love would be true
I promised forever, and you did too
But now you're gone, left me behind
Your forever is shorter than mine.

V3 (will need to re-word this):
I think that you're mistaken
Yeah, I think you're very wrong
To me forever is eternity
For you, it ain't that long

-------------

What do you think so far? As far as the bold goes, in the first verse I can't decide which of those lines I like better. And as far as the third verse, I think it's kinda weak, and it doesn't flow like the other two. I want to keep the same idea (about the person being mistaken/wrong, forever being eternity, for the other person it "ain't that long"), but I'm not sure how to word it...so I'm working on that...

Thoughts? Critiques?

 

[stevieb]

Honestly, I think it's a bit corny and cliche'd, and the A-A-B-B rhyme scheme is not my favorite, but it grew on me. Lots about it- the simple rhyme scheme, the lyric theme, even the use of the word "ain't," screams "COUNTRY/WESTERN SONG!"

You are right, what you call V3 does not fit with the meter of the other verses- it is the bridge, not a verse- I'd keep it and write another V3.

I think you may be over-using the phrase "Your forever is shorter than mine." You might want to substitute some other phrase for it, once or twice- but that is a very subjective thing- use the heck out of it if you think that's best.

 

[mjr]

Honestly, I think it's a bit corny and cliche'd, and the A-A-B-B rhyme scheme is not my favorite, but it grew on me. Lots about it- the simple rhyme scheme, the lyric theme, even the use of the word "ain't," screams "COUNTRY/WESTERN SONG!"

You are right, what you call V3 does not fit with the meter of the other verses- it is the bridge, not a verse- I'd keep it and write another V3.

I think you may be over-using the phrase "Your forever is shorter than mine." You might want to substitute some other phrase for it, once or twice- but that is a very subjective thing- use the heck out of it if you think that's best.

You're right. It would definitely be a country song. With what I call verse 3 as a bridge, would it fit, though? I mean, I'm sure I could come up with another verse.

I may re-visit the usage of "Your forever is shorter than mine". Although, right now it seems to emphasize that point, and bring out the "hook" of the song a bit more.

Thanks for the input!

 

[stevieb]

Yes, it would fit. Just use it, as-is, and write another verse. Then, you are done.

I have noticed a bridge can invert the chord progression, too. You might use a C-F-G progression in the verse, but a C-G-F progression in the bridge.