Lyrics jottings that need a critique to progress.

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rayc

rayc

retroreprobate
The 1st couple of stanzas of a song popped into my head.
Thematically & stylistically it's not in my backyard but I decided to sit down & see where they lead. The following came pretty much to my finger tips as I typed:

Now Kane said unto Able
Hey come out to the stable
There’s something there you need to see.
So they walked out together
Just talkin’ ‘bout the weather
Just one was coming home for tea.

The lessons that they teach us
Is goodness will not reach us
And if it does it matters not
‘Cause the power that will be
Calls the shots and it is we
Who are canon fodder for the plot.

Lot said unto his missus
Forget about the dishes
Grab the girls: the time’s come to bolt.
They got out of the city
She said it is a pity
Then turned her head & turned to salt.

The lessons that they teach us
Is goodness will not reach us
Intentions matter not a jot
That’s because the Holy Sea
Calls the shots and it is we
Who beget what we had long forgot.

Old Noah had to build it
And by twos then he filled it
Before the rain became a flood.
Oh, but if they weren’t his kin
Well he wouldn’t let them in
He left ‘em fighting in the mud.

The lessons that these teach us
Is goodness will not reach us
Goodness has finally lost the plot
‘Cause the power’s in the hands
Of the one who makes demands
We are left behind to die & rot.

Abraham said unto Zac
Let’s walk up on the goat track
I feel the need to pay a price.
He built a little pyre
And set the wood to fire
Prepared to make the sacrifice.

The lessons that these teach us
Is goodness will not reach us
Not even through a prime time slot
It’s coded in transmissions
Infallible decisions
What the dish catches is all we’ve got

Any thoughts?
 
As a christian, the lyric really caught my attention. I like it. It comes across as somewhere between critical of God or maybe aspects of the christian belief of God and incredulous of some biblical stories that are hard to fathom when looked at logically. Personally, I find songs that question life, spirituality, God, religion, faith and such like, pretty interesting, especially when set to great music. Actually, only when set to great music !
That I might perceive words to speak against some of the things I believe isn't necesarilly a problem because they're unlikely to change what I believe and live by/through. Plus, just as importantly, I happen to think that people are valuable enough for me to try to fathom their views and hear what they have to say and good songwriters can really open up certain matters in ways that might otherwise pass me by.
I'll say it again, I like the lyric. It seems to come from a deep place within the writer and I can imagine this within a powerful and catchy song.
Of course, none of what I've shared here might apply ! But that's one good thing about songs, some of what's picked up by those that happen to be interested might not be there at all or might alert the writer to something that they never thought of.
 
rayc said:
The 1st couple of stanzas of a song popped into my head.
Thematically & stylistically it's not in my backyard but I decided to sit down & see where they lead. The following came pretty much to my finger tips as I typed:

Now Kane said unto Able
Hey come out to the stable
There’s something there you need to see.
So they walked out together
Just talkin’ ‘bout the weather
Just one was coming home for tea.

The lessons that they teach us
Is goodness will not reach us
And if it does it matters not
‘Cause the power that will be
Calls the shots and it is we
Who are canon fodder for the plot.

Lot said unto his missus
Forget about the dishes
Grab the girls: the time’s come to bolt.
They got out of the city
She said it is a pity
Then turned her head & turned to salt.

The lessons that they teach us
Is goodness will not reach us
Intentions matter not a jot
That’s because the Holy Sea
Calls the shots and it is we
Who beget what we had long forgot.

Old Noah had to build it
And by twos then he filled it
Before the rain became a flood.
Oh, but if they weren’t his kin
Well he wouldn’t let them in
He left ‘em fighting in the mud.

The lessons that these teach us
Is goodness will not reach us
Goodness has finally lost the plot
‘Cause the power’s in the hands
Of the one who makes demands
We are left behind to die & rot.

Abraham said unto Zac
Let’s walk up on the goat track
I feel the need to pay a price.
He built a little pyre
And set the wood to fire
Prepared to make the sacrifice.

The lessons that these teach us
Is goodness will not reach us
Not even through a prime time slot
It’s coded in transmissions
Infallible decisions
What the dish catches is all we’ve got

Any thoughts?
Click to expand...
Very good! Sounds like something Tom Waits could have written- high praise indeed! :D
 
grimtraveller,
Thanks for taking the time to read, think & respond. The 1st 2 stanzas developed in my skull while I was out having a nice meal - I wrote them down on a coaster after finishing the meal. the theme, I suppose, would be that the grand design, as delivered via the old testament, wasn't very user friendly. I'm definitley on the side of personal interpretation of lyrics - except where their is some politics or non universal reference that needs unveiling. That said - I read everything thing into and about a song I enjoy that I can.
I'm pleased you like the lyric. Unfortuantely it'll probably languish in no melody no singer land as I'm not much chop in either department.
IndustrialOkie,
High priase most certainly. I take off my pork pie hat, drop my gasper & snuff it out with the toe of my shoe and mumble an embarrassed, albeit pleased, thank you!
 
im not a christian nor do i listen to praise music all that much, but thats by the by,

the lyrics seem fine to me i quite like them, they tell a story, even if it is one that has already been wrote its always good to mix things up :D good work

P.S. i really could not help but reading all the lyics in the rhythm of the verses' from "walk this way" by areosmith and Run DMC :laughings:
 
rayc said:
the theme, I suppose, would be that the grand design, as delivered via the old testament, wasn't very user friendly.
Click to expand...
As someone that's read the OT many many times over the last 25 years, I'd have to agree with that.
It's kind of relevant to songwriting, but it struck me about 14 years ago that there are a number of different ways that people think in this world. And sometimes, the way some people view the world is just so different that unless one really works hard in trying to understand where they are coming from, one never will !
To me, God is no different in that respect. And looking at many songwriters, where they are coming from in their lyrics becomes easier to understand when you know something about them or have read interviews that they've done.
I can still see this song being an interesting one !
 
I couldn't meter this thing out in my head but that's all about how you sing it in the end isn't it?

I like the song. In my head this one sounds a little like the Springsteen version of "OH, Mary Don't You Weep" on "Live In Dublin"

Don't give up on this one.
 
Milnoque said:
I couldn't meter this thing out in my head but that's all about how you sing it in the end isn't it?

I like the song. In my head this one sounds a little like the Springsteen version of "OH, Mary Don't You Weep" on "Live In Dublin"

Don't give up on this one.
Click to expand...
I agree when I tried to meter it, it came kind of fast, but stumbled a bit where the syllable count in each line didn't match. But, hey, that's what rewrites are for.

Nice job on this one. It sounds Christian, but at the same time, "Hard Headed Woman" by Elvis was based on characters from the Bible, and wasn't at all a Christian song...
 
I really like the rhyhme patterns of the final lyrics in each line.
And the thoughts ...
"Old Noah had to build it
And by twos then he filled it
Before the rain became a flood.
Oh, but if they weren’t his kin
Well he wouldn’t let them in
He left ‘em fighting in the mud."

Pretty cool

Is it true btw?
 
Sorry I missed these - I've been lax and in a bit of a different mindset lately :o
Very nicely written and I'm familiar with the stories having a catholic upbringing. The last verse I had to read twice - I like the way it stepped from past to present but I wasn't expecting that so it was a cool twist. Your writing always impresses, it has a literary maturity that I see only in small fraction of today's compositions.
 
nialldoran,
The lyrics don't reflect much obvious about me - they just popped into my scone. Thanks for the kind words.
Milnoque,
I only tried to "sing" it in my head once & that was to a country melody - that word in a hick way. The syllable count is consistent but the metre may not match the tongue too well. hganks for the comments.
Rokket,
Yeah, Nick cave has used the Bible as source material for 30 years now - only some of that with any degree of belief. I'll get around to a rewrite soon.
nzausrec,
Thanks mate. Truth, well that depends on who's version of the story &whether or not the story was true to begin with. I'll have to read re the veracity aspect.
ido1957,
Thanks heaps Ido. The update in the final verse was - as was the whole thing - unconscious really. I can't take kudos for stumbling on the nuggets - I can for keeping my eyes open though. Mindset - I can relate to that. I was on Hols but my head wasn't - I can't believe work followed & dictated my thoughts for a fortnight off work.
kidkage,
Phanqueue! Keep writing mate!
 
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