Wither...comments?

F

Fat_Satchel

I suffer Narcoleptic Rage
Hey all...been a while. Took a break. Wrote a bunch. Recorded alot. I'll throw this to the wolves :eek: It was almost titled Cancer sucks! but thought that lacked a certain marketability :D what do you think?

Enjoy!

WITHER

Intro
Wither away
Wither my soul
<Repeat 1x>

Verse
See the child
The indecision
It’s the sunshine
That he’s been missing
In the lifetime
That he’s been living
In the limelight
He keeps it hidden
Waiting for the time
The right conditions
To be free again
To believe again
And never again have to

Chorus
Wither away
Wither my soul
<Repeat 4x>

Verse
Diseased inside
The worm is crawling
It reminded me
When the sky was falling
It lay at my feet
An old man panting
Like a dog in heat
My lonely soul mate
You arrested me
Cut the seed out
And set me free
Still undecided
But you never let me

Chorus
Wither away
Wither my soul
<Repeat 4x>

Solo Break

Outro
Shine your light inside my mind
Will you set me free this time?
Shine your light inside my mind
Will you help me free my mind?
Shine your light inside my mind
Tell me what you see inside
Shine your light inside my mind
Tell me what you hope to find

Copyright © 2004 by Matthew W. Brosnan
 
Great job. Very organized. Liked the transitions to chorus'- got slightly lost in the flow of 2nd half of 1st verse, and almost sense a slight disjointedness between the 1st and 2nd verse, as if they were written and very different times (I've had that happen and sometimes it's hard to hold on to the songs sense of continuity). Keep up the excellent work.
 
Cool meter to the song. It jsut flows real nice. and the lyrics real make you feel the pain. I like how it goes from hopeful in the first verse to just beyond hope and wanting it to end in the 2nd. That was my take anyway. And yes, while maybe it makes a bad title, cancer does suck.
 
hey thanks for readin...

its version 2.5 for a piece of music Ive tracked...written over a two day period. 1st verse came easy in 10 mins...2nd verse came hard over the next two days lol

sooooo hard to make abstract phrases says something abstract while still flowing like a river hehehe

thanks again
 
Wither

Very good start...well written.I have to agree on the 2nd verse.It kind of falls off from there .I would truly have to here it to make a decent judgement.Maybe you spent too much time on the second verse.Thought about it too hard.This song has a lot of potential!!!-M.W. :cool:
 
Good job. Indeed it has a nice flow to it. I didn't quite get the outro. What's that in your head? It isn't about a tumor in your head is it?

"Shine your light inside my mind
Will you set me free this time?
Shine your light inside my mind
Will you help me free my mind?
Shine your light inside my mind
Tell me what you see inside
Shine your light inside my mind
Tell me what you hope to find"
 
I think the hangup between the 1st/2nd verse might be the tense change. The 2nd verse was originally written in the present tense like the 1st verse is but I changed the wording slightly to change the perspective of the song...maybe it was a mistake...I think the 2nd verse was like this;

Diseased inside
The worm is crawling
It reminds me
The sky is falling
It lays at my feet
An old man panting
Like a dog in heat
My lonely soul mate
You befriended me
Cut the seed out
And set me free
Still undecided
But you never let me

Changes the whole feel of the verse...should I change it back to this?

The idea here is a father's son dying of cancer...withering away, how watching it happen withers the fathers soul too and how the father overcomes it through a trusted counselor.

1st verse is the childs feelings, 2nd verse is the father's feelings. I changed the tense in the 2nd verse to make the fathers feelings appear after the childs passing.... :rolleyes: hehe...my artistic mumbling

Thanks again for the comments...Hopefully Ill be recording a vocal track for this tomorrow...
 
I think this is better. Changing to present tense was a good idea. It makes it comes more directly at you.

I guess the outro part is about the trusted counselor. Though this might be an important part to you, there is quite a different feel to it then the rest of the lyrics and it strikes me as odd. Like I said, I really get the feeling of a tumor growing in your head. Maybe you should work on that part.

Good luck with the vocal track!!! Post it when you're ready.
 
I'll take your advice and change it to a present tense...thanks for the input.

Aye...the outro is about the counselor getting into the fathers head "shining his light" to find a way to cope that the father cant find on his own. maybe its a bit too vague.

The 8 bar solo leading into the outro sets up a dramatic beat change from the rest of the song that carries to the end. The tempo doesnt change but the beat does...sort of a heartbeat thing. and the outro lyrics are (intended) to be sorta chanted over the beat. So yea it prolly reads oddly from the rest of the song.

I tend to rewrite alot when tracking so it may very well get cut hehehe...
 
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