What do you guys think?

[Artist Unknown]

Here's a list of all my lyrics so far. Just wanted to get some feedback.

This is the first song I wrote. It's kinda depressing...

Alone

I am so alone
Nobody knocks on the door
no calls on the phone
Nobody gives a fuck cause nobodys home.
I am....I am

How many times?
How many ways?
How many mother fucking god damn endless days?
What's the problem here?
How could this be?
How could the entire world forget about me?

I am so alone.
Nobody knocks on the door
no calls on the phone
Nobody gives a fuck cause nobodys home.
I am....I am

(into a series of laaaa laaaa type stuff)

I hold you once.
I hold you again.
Are you still in there cause I can't feel a thing.
We're so worn out.
We're on our own.
Cause when I'm with you, I feel so alone.


This song is a work in progress....only the chorus is done so far.

What can I say?

Money wrapped around her soul
...in between her legs.
I think I need another drink.
I think I need to get away...
from all this noise
runnin through my head
I think it's time for us to go now.
What can I say?

Last one even though there are more. I worry that this one might be a bit over the top. Let me know what you think. This is also a work in progress.

Here I am

Here I am
Naked and ugly for all to see
and I'm so glad
You're finally seeing me.

There I go
tellin another lie.
Why do I
do this every time?

You see this smile on my face
it keeps me safe.
Look a little closer and you'll see
I'm so fake.

I'm such
a self absorbed piece of shit.
You don't know
just how bad it gets.

Here I am
Naked and ugly for all to see
and I'm so glad
You're finally seeing me.

 

[stonepiano]

Alone

chorus
I am so alone
Nobody knocks on the door
no calls on the phone
Nobody gives a fuck cause nobody's home.
I am....I am

verse I
How many times?
How many ways?
How many mother fucking god damn endless days?
What's the problem here?
How could this be?
How could the entire world forget about me?

How many times what? How many ways what? I don't know what you're asking here. May want to consider revising for clarity. If you want to remain vague and abstract, I still got the point that you are angry because you are lonely.

Also, the swearing line looks like it might not fit the scansion, or standard rhythmic layout of the other lyrics. Does it sing well?

I am so alone
Nobody knocks on the door
no calls on the phone
Nobody gives a fuck cause nobodys home.
I am....I am

(into a series of laaaa laaaa type stuff)

How are you gonna pull of la's in such a depressing song?

I hold you once.
I hold you again.
Are you still in there cause I can't feel a thing.
We're so worn out.
We're on our own.
Cause when I'm with you, I feel so alone.

This sounds like it could fit into an Emo style.

And it's a lot easier to give notes on one lyric at a time. Good effort, though.

 

[Artist Unknown]

Re: Re: What do you guys think?

...the swearing line looks like it might not fit the scansion, or standard rhythmic layout of the other lyrics. Does it sing well?

That line has been the problem child of this song ever since it was written. It actually does fit into the rhythm, but just barely....this songs vocals have a really odd rhythm. I really should just rewrite that line...or maybe even ditch that verse completely.

How are you gonna pull of la's in such a depressing song?

That made me laugh when I read it. I could just imagine this slow and mournful song about lonliness and alienation....and then all the sudden it goes into an upbeat "lalalalalala" at the bridge. It's actually more of a slow dramatic vocal type thing that you would really have to hear. It doesn't sound at all out of place. I'll probably turn it into some kind of instrument solo.

Thanks for the input. It's very much appreciated.