Tell me your story

  • Thread starter Thread starter Nightfire
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Nightfire

Nightfire

Aspiring Idiot
Its already recorded but you can still make suggestions for improvement, never too late to track again :D

Tell me your story - Copyright 2007, Mike Duerksen

Sixteen and had it all, so why did you fall?
Its not like we weren’t there, not like we never cared
One sleepless night you chose to put thorns in my rose

Tell me your story.
Tell me your story.

You wanted to live the life, fueled by anger and strife
There’s angst in your broken heart you thought was rock-hard
Selfishness ruled the day, that you finally ran away

Tell me your story.
Tell me your story.

Tell me how love makes you feel at the end of the day?
Tell me that youthful play was part of the game.
Tell me that you are lost, and that you’re not ok.
And I’ll tell you the words that you are longing for…

Tell me your story (‘cause I want to love you)
Tell me your story (you know that I’ll show you)
Tell me your story (that I’ll always love you)
Tell me your story.

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These are just the lyrics for lyrics sake, to give advice on the mix or hear the song its posted in the MP3 clinic.


Mike
 
There is a maturity in your rhyming that is diminished with rhyming 'life' with 'strife', particularly as you go on to sophistication of rhyming ‘heart’ with ‘hard’.

The bridge I like a lot and can feel the music build in the intensity of the lyrics.

Just one idea you might want to consider is that I do not get where the person is? Are the physically lost – as if you are sending this song out to them as a plea? Or are they mentally lost, sitting in front of you and that you are in the room pleading with them.

It’s a very different context and intensity to send a message out to someone (broadcast) then it is to have a dialogue with them but they will not respond? Maybe you could explore this further and consider the intensity of the scenario you create with your words and images
 
Nightfire said:
Tell me how love makes you feel at the end of the day?
Tell me that youthful play was part of the game.
Tell me that you are lost, and that you’re not ok.
And I’ll tell you the words that you are longing for…

Tell me your story (‘cause I want to love you)
Tell me your story (you know that I’ll show you)
Tell me your story (that I’ll always love you)
Tell me your story.
Click to expand...

Like Whatmysay, I like the bridge a lot. I also feel the power in the repeated ending which acts like a hook yet provides some closure to the tune. I would like to see one more verse between the bridge and the ending though. If not that then perhaps move the bridge up in the song a bit earlier. I would prefer the added verse option though. As always, these are just my thoughts and ramblings. The song is yours and it's a good one.
 
Whatmysay said:
There is a maturity in your rhyming that is diminished with rhyming 'life' with 'strife', particularly as you go on to sophistication of rhyming ‘heart’ with ‘hard’.
Click to expand...
If nothing else, you can use my usual trick, and put the forced part of the rhyme, "strife," first, and "life" second. That usually hides it a bit.
 
Thanks a lot for all the suggestions. Heres the song if you havent heard it yet
http://www.soundclick.com/bands/pagemusic.cfm?bandID=694078

A friend of mine, her brother ran away (teenage angst kinda stuff). He's back now but wont talk to anybody. She feels like he doenst care about her anymore etc. This song is written from her perspective (but written for her by me).
The line "tell me that you are lost, and that you're not ok" is kind of a challenge to admit that he doenst know what he's doing, that his life is a mess, that he's not "ok" and tough like he thought he was or pretends to be, that he needs help.
Listenig to the song now I can tell I need another verse or to put the bridge earlier, thanks for the suggestions.



Mike
 
Nightfire said:
Thanks a lot for all the suggestions. Heres the song if you havent heard it yet
http://www.soundclick.com/bands/pagemusic.cfm?bandID=694078

A friend of mine, her brother ran away (teenage angst kinda stuff). He's back now but wont talk to anybody. She feels like he doenst care about her anymore etc. This song is written from her perspective (but written for her by me).
The line "tell me that you are lost, and that you're not ok" is kind of a challenge to admit that he doenst know what he's doing, that his life is a mess, that he's not "ok" and tough like he thought he was or pretends to be, that he needs help.
Listenig to the song now I can tell I need another verse or to put the bridge earlier, thanks for the suggestions.

Mike
Click to expand...
Good song Mike, you can definitely write them well.....

Here's something that came to mind while reading the above post. If you could add a bit more of the background story to the song it would give the listener an even clearer picture. Some of the verse/chorus could include (these are your words BTW ;)

- ran away
- teenage angst
- back now
- wont talk to anybody.
- like he doesnt care
- a challenge to admit life is a mess,
- he's not "ok" like he pretends to be,
- he needs help.

Even your comments make good material for your writing - now that's cool :cool:
 
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