Review these lyrics please..

[Laynestaley]

Ok, here goes....

Rip them apart if you have to..
Advice on how to improve them would even be better.
Keep in my mind (as if it's not obvious) that English is not my home language..

I know the song is kinda depressing but they fit the music nicely IMHO.

Bye Bye World
------------------

VERSE 1
Got nowhere left to go
Got my own goodbye not just what it’s for
Before I am to go
One last time try open a door

BRIDGE
Bye bye world
Don’t know why for so long I have tried to be strong
Bye bye world
Don’t know why for so long I have tried to hold on
Bye bye world

CHORUS
Too tired to sleep
Too much on my mind
Not much to see
In this world of mine

VERSE 2
I get down on my knees
This room my prison cell it’s where I’ll be
Trying to release
My wandering mind forever hold it’s peace

BRIDGE

CHORUS

VERSE 3
You want me to say now
I know you like me to scream out loud
Why I leave you behind
What’s been on my mind all of this time

BRIDGE

CHORUS

 

[stonepiano]

LAyne,

you've come to the right place for this.

As a native English speaker, I can tell you from my experience that "bye bye" is a casual phrase predominantly used in a light-hearted cheerful way. Very rarely is it used in the frustrated manner in which you've used it. Instead, I would consider the synonyms "farewell" or just plain "goodbye".

Also, in terms of relating your room to your "prison cell," this is a very overused metaphor and might want to look for a more creative way to express your trapped feelings. Think of where else you might be trapped. In the boot of your auto, for instance. In the caboose of a train. In an oversized shoebox.

I suppose "getting down on my knees" falls under the same category. A tad trite. Kind of like, "falling to the floor." Also, overused. What about, "pulled to the earth," or something like that?

I have no idea how anyone would even begin to write music in your second language. I've written exactly 3 songs in german and they all stink to high heaven. I mean, stink!
Like,
"I like to go to the movies.
My favorite subject is Math.
My mother's name is Doris.

La lalalaaalaaa!"

That's one of my german songs.

Anyway, good luck on this one. Main advice, focus on being creative in your description of action, suprise your listener with unpredictable plot development and always have the cliche alarm on full strength detection.

regards

 

[Laynestaley]

Thanks stonepiano,

I understand your comments about the use of "bye bye", yet I think it does work in this song. I'll post a clip and it'll make more sense I'm sure. I guess seeing lyrics written down is very different from hearing them.

Some good advice there; "...be creative..." lol.

I'll try to get rid of those overused metaphores. I can see how they are cliché now that you pointed them out to me, so thanks.

Actually, my second language is French and my third one is German so I guess that makes English my fourth language, yet an American friend of mine told me that I hardly have an accent. It's not all that uncommon to write lyrics in English when that isn't your first language IMO. Not only does it sound better, but how else would I ever get big in the States?

Thanks again for the comments.

 

[stonepiano]

Thanks stonepiano,

I understand your comments about the use of "bye bye", yet I think it does work in this song. I'll post a clip and it'll make more sense I'm sure. I guess seeing lyrics written down is very different from hearing them.

Great. I can't wait to hear how it came out. Hell, the Everly brothers used it (Bye, Bye Love) and it worked for them. Then again, that was fifty years ago...

Some good advice there; "...be creative..." lol.

be creative in your description of action! I was fairly specific in that statement, ie referring to the aforementioned clichéd terms of action.

I'll try to get rid of those overused metaphors. I can see how they are cliché now that you pointed them out to me, so thanks.

Actually, my second language is French and my third one is German so I guess that makes English my fourth language, yet an American friend of mine told me that I hardly have an accent. It's not all that uncommon to write lyrics in English when that isn't your first language IMO. Not only does it sound better, but how else would I ever get big in the States?

Showoff!

Besides, why would you ever want music to get big in the states? Is this where the money is? If so, I wanna see it. Seriously, I hope the song is progressing and I hope another brain strolls in here and give its two cents as well.

Stone