Recording Ass Plops!!!!!!

  • Thread starter Thread starter Analytical Man
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Analytical Man

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Hey everyone, i was curious if anyone has any idea on how to mic up a persons asshole while sitting on the toilet. I want to get that real plop,splash,steaming sound, with minimal excrement on the mic. How should i do this, should i use a poop filter? This is very serious i need to know because i have already ruined my AKG C3000b mic doing this. This is very urgent i...i can't keep soiling my mics. Thanks for reading...i will post some mp3's later.
 
I've found that the biggest enemy of a great ass sound is phase cancellation - the arrival of any given ass sound wave at two different microphone diaphragms at different times. This will almost always cause some sort of a 'thinning' of the sound. The best ass sound I ever got was with just one overhead U-47...but, it was mono.

The most natural stereo sound is captured with dual condensor mics, and they must be strategically placed to give the best stereo 'picture' with the least amount of phase incoherency. Placing the mics so that the capsules are at exactly a 90 degree angle with eachother will yield the best results.


A wider stereo picture can be had by increasing the angle beyond 90 degrees, but the "center" will begin to disappear and the phase cancellation goes up. I try to place the microphones about 7" apart from my asshole- in the position which simulates the distance between the human ears - and directly over the rim of the toilet. Open up the faders on the two mics and listen to the bowl ambience while flipping the phase switch on one of the mics as you let her rip. One position will yield a much wider 'spread', but your ass will sound thin. You want the opposite phase switch position here, as the 'wider' sound indicates that the two "bowl" mics are out of phase.

I hope this helps...it works best for me.

as for shit on the mic....use cheese cloth.
 
Useless without odorame anyway... Just dig it...

aXel

NOOO not the mic...
 
...First, take your medicine. And here's why they invented SAMPLER dammit.
 
put a condom on the mic..........then stick it wherever u want.
 
i like to get the sound of shit actually hitting the microphone. it provides a fuller sound.

but you might want to use a pop filter to get rid of any hard plosives!
 
I had some limited success by draining the water out of the toilet tank and snaking a mic up the sewage drain until it was just short of being exposed in the bottom of the bowl. The toilet, when sealed by sufficiently large ass cheeks, makes a decent resonance chamber, and while the sound isn't quite as natural as actually having the mic in your rectum it's still a useable sound.

Hope this helps.
 
contact mics, just like those acoustic ones.
glue into the shitter side and be happy.
 
AH, yet another job where the FART Tube MP would be a killer pre
 
Do it like the Foley guys. Get something that is about the consistency of the shit you want to record. I would try maybe some clay because you could add water until it adequately resembled the shit. For instance, if you wanted a real sloppy, drippy shit, use more water, less clay, for a hard hurts-your-asshole-when-it-comes-out shit, use less water, more clay, etc.

Fill a bowl with water and place microphones (two for stereo) around the bowl about 1-2 feet away. Don't worry about phase problems becuase bad phasing will help simulate the bathroom sound. You might want to put some saran wrap over your microphones and possibly put some holes int he saran wrap for better sound. The saran wrap with holes will serve as your "poop" filter.

Now, you might also want to use a lavelier mic on a table. Just attach the mic to the table and drop the clay from about 2-3 feet above the surface. This will give you a good "splat" that you can mix in with the other sounds.

Remeber to use a deep bowl so that the "plop" sound of the poop hitting the water resonates deeply.

Finally, when done, strip naked, smear the "feces" over your body and run down the block screaming "Rape" over and over.
 
You may have just found the perfect application for the C-1000. I believe it would have just the right air to capture the sound your after. I have to disagree with Hogan though. I would never use
X-Y in a bathroom. More likely a spaced pair.


Twist
 
Actually, I think you may have just stumbled upon an application where amp modeling, ala POD, J-Station, V-amp, etc., would really shine.

Basically, you'd plug the 1/4" unbalanced line in to your ass . . . fart, and the POD will simulate / model the sound of real shit hitting the water of a real toilet.

It's actually not unlike the sounds it already makes, so I suppose you could even substitute an actual guitar in place of your ass.

Fender Squire Stratocaster is highly recommended, in fact, for maximum effect, but just about any will do.
 
chessrock said:
Actually, I think you may have just stumbled upon an application where amp modeling, ala POD, J-Station, V-amp, etc., would really shine.

Basically, you'd plug the 1/4" unbalanced line in to your ass . . . fart, and the POD will simulate / model the sound of real shit hitting the water of a real toilet.

It's actually not unlike the sounds it already makes, so I suppose you could even substitute an actual guitar in place of your ass.

Fender Squire Stratocaster is highly recommended, in fact, for maximum effect, but just about any will do.
Click to expand...

:D

Cool suggestion chess. I can add that to my list of uses for a POD:

1 - Framing hammer
2 - Water usage reducer for a toilet tank
3 - Door stop
4 - Paper weight
5 - Recording ass plops!

Got it!!!

Ed
 
Good thinking you guys! Every time I record something with a POD, or a C1000, it sounds like ass. So this is the perfect application.

If you're having trouble getting a hot enough signal, you might try a bit of compression. Don't overdo it at first, just lightly squeeze your butt cheeks and see what happens. For a bigger PLOP, use a faster attack and release. Keep in mind though that this may cause extreme transients so you end up with shit all over the mic. It's safer to record without compression and just use the Ex-Lax Plugin at mixdown. Yeah I know, plugins don't sound as good as hardware, but hey, shit in = shit out anyway.

--Lee
 
heh-heh... this would give new meaning to the expression "you can't polish a turd!"

:D :D
 
Get one of those Radio Shack mics and a 1/8 to 1/4 adapter. Shove one end up your ass and plug the other end into a 100 watt Marshall. I think that Eddie VH did this trick on AND THE CRADLE WILL ROCK!!!
 
Are you saying that EVH has a 1/8" anus? Wow, no wonder he's had substance problems, guess he was just trying to loosen up!
 
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