The notes themselves are fine. Only the level and perhaps the performance in the first two or three seconds of the lead coming in sounds somehow "shy". I say "shy" for lack of a better word.
Sorry about the lyric diss. My lyrics are probably an open field day to be critisized so I should probably shut up. I am on the oposite end of the obscurity spectrum. Your lyrics are direct and have a point. My lyrics usually just kind of loosly stick to the point and at many times one might ask..."what the hell is he talking about...?" or "Where in the hell did that come from...?"
Also, a word from my experience. I had a massive computer problem that forced me to lose EVERYTHING. Hard Disk wiped out, re install Logic and everything. I lost about 25 finished songs and a ton of writing work. My heart sank as if my 25 children had died. Hell I can't even remember what I played on some parts... I have to figure out my OWN songs again in some places.
Anyway, my point is, I have been forced to go back to the starting line and do it all over again. TRUST ME!!!! It is a blessing in discuise. You said that this was a practice run that just turned out to be not so bad so you just went with is, because you were not too excited about doing it all over again. Well I used to do that all the time. Play a song just to get it down, and then end up spending 6 hours tweeking it and falling in love with the take. After all that tweaking I felt.. "I can't just delete this and start over." I even had a ton of artistic romaticism thinking that these practice performance had more FEELING than I could produce again if I started over. BULLSHIT. All that "feeling" I was talking about was just an excuse to feel better about the obvious temp problems here and there, or missed note on the bass, etc.
Keep the song, but start over with a fine tooth comb and just do it again. I can next to GUARANTEE that the secodn time will be better. But I suggest moving on to another song first and coming back to this one later. You can burn your brain out on your own song, just like a Britney Spears song on the radio. Be careful not to overload on this song. move on and then come back and re-record everything and just see how it turns out.
I would even fuck around with the singing a little bit just to experiment. Like sing a not or phrase in the 2nd chorus a little high or with a slightly different melody line. Just for a little seasoning here and there. This will keep the vocal line from becoming menotonous. I am NOT saying that it is monotonous now... but who knows... Maybe it could be improved. Mess around a bit and then YOU decide.
Ok. Take care and happy recordings.