Opinions on a new one?

[famous beagle]

Hey y'all,

Here's a tune called "Deaf Ears, Minnesota." This recording is just a quick live ditty with my wife and I right after I wrote it, but it should convey the vibe well enough.

http://www.soundclick.com/bands/default.cfm?bandID=328768

The shadows here are darker than the night
My father lived his whole life here
I could trace the shape of that tree against the light
In my mind so clear

Everybody talks about the north like a memory
Just a picture in their minds of a simpler day
But there's nothing easy 'bout it, if you ask me
I guess it doesn't matter anyway

I've been trying to catch my breath for years
I been waitin' forever for the weather to clear
'Cuz you know I got a lot to say but no one ever hears
And all my dreams keep fallin', rainin' on deaf ears

I been feeling this way since I was ten years old
Doesn't seem like anything has changed since then
Now the wind and rain has made this house look old
Winter's here again, how I hate the cold

There are times I forget what's expected of me here
I was born to line of tradition and regret
But this land swallowed all my father's blood and tears
And that I can't forget

I remember last year drivin' cross the west state line
Everything seemed larger than the life I knew
And if North Dakota can make me feel that fine
What has my life come to?


The last verse doesn't appear on the recording because it was written afterward.

Opinions welcome.

Thanks!

 

[mikeh]

The second last written verse "there are times......" is very potent. I think by far the strongest writing. In general this seems like a good "Americana" story. I think you may be using too many words to tell your story and perhaps if you could edit out some lines and combine some of the best lines into a couple of verses that could be as potent as the one I referenced up top - this could be a stronger story line.

I have not heard the link - so it is possible with a musical arrangement the longer story could work. I did enjoy reading it.

I also sent you a PM.

 

[famous beagle]

The second last written verse "there are times......" is very potent. I think by far the strongest writing. In general this seems like a good "Americana" story. I think you may be using too many words to tell your story and perhaps if you could edit out some lines and combine some of the best lines into a couple of verses that could be as potent as the one I referenced up top - this could be a stronger story line.

I have not heard the link - so it is possible with a musical arrangement the longer story could work. I did enjoy reading it.

I also sent you a PM.

Thanks for the input Mike. It's definitely got an Americana vibe for sure. I'll look into the possibility of shortening it up, although it doesn't strike me as too long when I listen to it.


Anyone else have any opinions on it?