New song Please review

D

Diverdown

New member
Hello All
Please review My latest attempt for song structure melody and lyric
The recording is still very rudimentry and needs a great deal of work
Ive ripped this thing to shreds so many times an rewrote rewrote rewrote .
Its called Life after 40
http://www.reverbnation.com/peterkielburger

I think the pieces are there but the arrangemnt troubles me Is it still considered a chorus if it dosent repeat ?
I kinda like where i went with the bridge but after I listn to it a few times I wonder if its a little over the top
Id appeciate your input
Cheers
Peter



Im over halfway there
the years have flown
When I look inside myself
I like to think that have grown
but it dosent really matter
cause theres no startin over




I wont say
Id live it all the same
cause I have hurt and felt my share of pain
I know hindsights 20/20
but i cant help looking back


Chorus

Sometimes it takes a little longer
to be a little stronger
strong enough to see where you went wrong
to take what you've been given
and get down to the livin'
you only get one ride
and then it's gone

Instrumental verse

bridge

and days like leaves are falling fast
in the autumn of my life
but ive learned my lessonfrom the past
live for today
forget the sorrow
love every way
embrace tommorow
alive
inside
 
I recall listening to one or two of your songs some time ago, and observing that I perceived a compassionate, gentle soul behind the lyrics, and that's no less true here.

I think it's a fine effort, sung with sincerity, and with an air of rueful, wistful regret.

I agree that the recording is rudimentary, and when you get round to doing a more comlete version, there are just a couple of things about the recording itself you might like to consider.

1 Your voice has great character, specially in the lower register, and conveys emotion well, but you need to tame it a bit . . . there are some disconcerting fluctuations here and there. (I'm not talking about where you deliberately go soft or more intense). As an example, listen to the first line of the second verse: "Well I won't say", and compare the level of "Well I" with "won't say".

2 There is a bit where you do some double-tracking, and I don't think you need to do this. Your voice is good enough to stand on its own.

3 Consider a different reverb. The reverb room size is small, and makes it sound like you're singing in a stairwell or something.

4 Do you know any gifted pianists? I can so hear piano behind this.

About the song structure itself: I can see how you have had difficulties in putting the whole thing together. The verses are fine, and I like the key change and other unexpected chord changes that occur during the chorus.

But . . . you know what I think? I have a feeling you had quite a few good ideas here that weren't behaving themselves, but you didn't really want to let go of any. The other thing I notice is that I had difficulty finding a hook to relate to. There is a kind of rambliness about the song that could be brought into line.

So my inclination would be to go on a simplification binge.

I'm thinking maybe you could scrap the bridge as a bridge, and instead, use the words and ideas to create a couple more verses.

Instead of repeating the first verse, you'd have a couple of new ones to play with, and instead of having the interlude of a bridge, you could slot in another chorus. With a repeated chorus, we get to hear the chorus lyrics again, and they are worthy of being heard again.

Well, you don't need to heed anything of what I've said, but with a bit of luck, they will fire some ideas in your head.

Best of luck, and I look forward to its reincarnation.
 
Thanks GZ
I appreciate your input
This piece was longer when I started but I found that i was just repeating
sentiments and not really saying anything new so I chopped alot out of it
I know what you mean about a hook and hopefully I can develop a section of the melody so its stands out more prominently
I obviously am pretty new to all this but enjoyed trying to create the different sections and tie them together (it just sounds better in my head at this point)
Im considering an organ in the background
Needles to say Ill keep working on it
 
...

I know when I read lyrics, there's 2 kinds of cliche...

"good cliche" and "bad cliche"

this is good cliche.

It wont do for me to comment on production or singing, and I can really do neither. I cant figure I could say anything geck couldnt relate better in the way of advice there.

All I know is...

you read the lyrics of a "feeligs" song, and they are all using phrases we have heard before... some "worK", for complete lack of a better term, and some dont seem to...

this one seems to "work" in my opinion, like your really "saying something", not just looking to make words fit a preconceived song idea then hacking away at it.

it has "life" to it.

good show.
 
Hi,

Unfortunately my browser doesn't like your hosting site and I don't have time to fiddle with the settings right now, so I didn't get to hear the music.

+1 to what SEDstar said about cliches. On the page in seems to have a fair swag of them - but so do plenty of other successful songs. It's how they get 'sold' by the music and the singer that seems to matter the most.

For instance, on the page, I can can spot things like this:

Im over halfway there
the years have flown

In life, you really have no idea whether you're halfway "there" or not. You might die before you finish singing the song, or live to 110. But in a song that sort of nitpicking doesn't really matter much if the musical package carries it off. Listeners can still get the sense of what you mean, and being 100% literal isn't essential.

I'd probably give some of the imagery a bit more of a twist, but that's only because it would suit my own style more. If it's sung with feeling, and the music works then it's going to be well received. Good luck with it all.

Cheers,

Chris
 
Hi Peter,

I enjoyed the song. Good guitar work. Nice lyrics. Good vocals.

Cheers,
Joseph
 
A good work in progress. There's a good song in there somewhere. It's rewrite, rewrite and rewrite again sometimes. :)
 
Thanks for the comments
I appreciate everyones input
Isnt it strange this home reocording thing , You (I) start getting into it to try and capture what you hear only to find your ability to reproduce what you hear is lacking which leads to listening more criticly to what youve written and perhaps changing a few things on and on and on ..............

I for me anyway is a continuous self improvement cycle but it would be nice to have the talent and ability to create what you want and know it dosent need to much more than a little polish....

P
 
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