My lyrics - help needed

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blackmantra

blackmantra

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Hi people! :) Recently I started to write lyrics in English and these are not very good. I created this thread to post here my lyrics so you can help me with grammar ;) I would be very grateful, coz right now I'm a bit depressed how they (the lyrics) look like ;)

That's the first one.

p.s
I want to record with correct English that's why I post text only.

Working title:

PLAYSTATION

You think we can't tell what's wrong what's right
Don't you know we don't care for candy
The sweetness we need comes from your heart
Just unleash it

We don't need a new playstation
We just crave some affection
Love is nothing you can buy
You should teach me that
Love is nothing you can get for money
Why do I have to tell you that?

Every minute you can gain
(still missing lines here, sorry;))

There's no currency
For being there when you care

---
Most recent version in my newest post :) Now it is #2
 
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Welcome to the songwriting forum. I hope that we can all provide some tips for you.

The neat thing abut writing in English when it is not your first language is that you can come up with phrases that are not common, and this can result in very interesting lyrics.

I like "Don't you know we don't care for candy". That's a good line. And so is: "There's no currency/ for being there when you care."

"The sweetness we need comes from your heart" is unusual, but doesn't quite work for me. I'd be searching for a word to replace 'sweetness', or maybe changing the whole phrase.

The idea of the chorus is good. I like the idea behind it of "you can't buy me with baubles when the cost is the price of your love". But I think I should let others comment. I am not keen on it at the moment, even though there's nothing really wrong with it. I started reading it and immediately the line "we don't need no education" sprang into my head, and that derailed me.

But you know what I really like? You've written "(still missing lines here, sorry)" to tell us that you are working on that part of the song, but it really captures my interest. What if it were part of the song?

Every minute you can gain,
I'm missing lines here, I'm sorry,
I don't think I can explain,
I don't know what to say,
Except to try again.

It's a bit cute, but maybe worth a thought.
 
blackmantra,
Welcome - pity you get responses from two Aussies 1st off: but needs must eh?

Some good stuff as already mentioned by Gecko Zzed
1st off - there needs to be consistency of I & WE - I've opted for I.
I also did a little grammar surgery - ? marks.
I've emboldened the bits I think work in the 2nd stanza
Gekko's idea for the rest is spot on!
Sweetness is a bit difficult but there's really no substitute that fits as well.
Good stuff - keep at it.

PLAYSTATION

You think we can't tell what's wrong, what's right(?)
Don't you know we (I) don't care for candy(?)
The sweetness we (I) need comes from your heart
Just unleash it

We don't need a new playstation
We just crave some (real) affection
Love is nothing you can buy
(and) You should (have taught) teach me that
Love's not (somet)hing you (can) get with money
Why do I have to tell you that?

Every minute you can gain
I don't think I should explain,
I don't know what to say,
Except to try again.

There's no currency
For (showing) being there when (that) you care
 
Thank you loads Gecko Zzed and rayc ;) We've been recording today a little bit and on the way to the 'studio' I came up with some new lines to the song. Hope it makes more sense now:) Absolutely ALL grammar comments are wanted :) Other ones too :) You know, I've changed "we" to "I" but I'm not convinced if I should do that. My first intention was to write as a child, when I write "I" it's harder to see it's about kids but now when I think about it, using I makes it more universal :)

Oh, and when it comes to sweetness I was looking for some equivalent for long because my first association when I hear the word is sth you use instead of sugar;) I think this phrase should be changed a little bit coz I don't like to use words as 'love' and 'heart' and 'baby' too much ;) somehow they sound too obvious for me (even in English ;)).


----
Updated version #1

Working title (still :P):

PLAYSTATION

You think I can't tell what's wrong what's right
Don't you know I don't care for candy
The sweetness I need comes from your heart

I don't need a new playstation
I just crave some affection
Love is nothing you can buy
You should teach me that
Love is nothing you can get for money
Why do I have to tell you that?

You work hard coming home late
Believing five zeros can do the thing
But there's no currency for being there
When you care
 
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"believing five zeroes can do the thing" is a great line.

I see what you mean about writing from a child's perspective, and I agree that using 'we' conveys this sense more than 'I'.

Perhaps you can use 'we' in the verses, and 'I' in the choruses. That works for me.

I note the connection between 'candy' and 'sweetness', and perhaps this is the best choice available to you at the moment. Now my problem is with 'unleash'. Perhaps you could consider 'release' instead.
 
Working well - I changed the we to I to be consistent - the last verse as offered by Gekko was based on I.
There are still a couple of clunkers from a smooth English point of view but it works.
The "being there" thing is a pet hate of mine - it's an Americanism that has become normal in just as "loving it" has. Being there really is a terrible short cut but it's common language so go with it.
 
"You should teach me that
Love is nothing you can get for money
Why do I have to tell you that?"

The that at the end could sound too hard? You can always drop words - You could drop 'that' at the first line. It's a superfluous relative pronoun - you don't actually need it grammatically.
Compare:
I like that you love me
I like you loving me

The second one, (do you agree?) is much smoother ...
Or:
There's the girl who I love.
There's the girl I love.
..........................................

You should teach me. Love is nothing you can get for money.
Or, make shorter: You should teach me - love you can't get for money.
So, finishing on 'me.' Then you have an alliterative rythme - 'me' with 'money.'
Finishing then with "Why do I have to tell you" would be alright, or, "Why do I have to tell you why" is another option for you.
...................................

I dunno. There are many, many choices of words and placing and different feels with every change you make. Neither is not good nor bad. Just make the words fit your music.
You oughta be teaching from you to me.
Love? Girl, you know, you can't get me for money.
I shouldn't have to tell yah.
Shouldn't have to tell you.

By the way (BTW) On a personal note, you are a pretty lucky guy to have a girl like that.
 
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BTW, I am a girl (or maybe I misunderstood what you're saying) ;) I've done some suggested changes, now it looks like that:

Updated version #2

Working title (still :P):

PLAYSTATION

You think we can't tell what's wrong what's right
Don't you know we don't care for candy
The sweetness we need comes from your heart

We don't need a new playstation
We just crave some affection

You should teach me
Love is nothing you can buy
Love is nothing you can get for money
Why do I have to tell you why?

You work hard coming home late
Believing five zeros can do the thing
But there's no currency for being there
When you care

----

I think, more or less, that this is the final cut. I think the 'children' meaning will be more visible if there will be some kids in the chorus singing. Thank you again :) Hope to post the sung version soon :)
 
Just one suggestion - don't double up on why!

You should teach me
Love is nothing you can buy
Love is nothing you can get for money
Do I have to tell you why?

I look forward to hearing the song!
 
Good, that phrase fits as well :) I will have to write more because this is just a half of the song ;)
 
Got the mix! Of course is not ready yet, with almost no effects on the vocal and choirs :) Done by Pykon (visible in my friends) :)

Oh, and help me out with the accent because I feel it sounds too much Russian (I'm not Russian though, it's just expression I use to say it sounds too sharp :P).

http://soundclick.com/share?songid=7548666

Oh, and the girl in the av is not me:P

And my question - isn't Playstation a trademark?
 
Fundamentals are there .. nice voice.
But, make the choruses stand out more from the verses.

Verse
You think we can't tell what's wrong what's right
Don't you know we don't care for candy
The sweetness we need comes from your heart

Pre Chorus
We don't need a new playstation
We just crave some affection

Chorus
Love is nothing you can buy
You should teach us
Love is nothing you get for money (Subtract one word)
Why do I have to tell you? (Yep, minus the second why)

Verse two (seperate this from chorus - the two are running together)

You work hard coming home late
Believing five zeros can do the thing

(Gets muddy here for me. Needs more work to define verses and chorus parts.)

But there's no currency for being there
When you care


Getting there Fiksum ... keep working on it. There's promise in this song/voice. I want to hear a song though - not a medley of voice work. So define the verses and choruses and make a song out of it. Make the chorus stand out differently from the verses. Perhaps change the title to 'Love is Nothing You Can Buy?'
 
Well I don't really need the chorus to be visible - of course some parts will be, but I don't feel forced to make it very sharp.

When it comes to lyrics they look like that right now:

Updated version #3

Working title (still :P):

PLAYSTATION

You think we can't tell what's wrong what's right
Don't you know we don't care for candy
The sweetness we need comes from your heart

We don't need a new playstation
We just crave some affection

You should teach me
Love is nothing you can buy
Love is nothing you get for money
Why do I have to tell you?

You work hard coming home late
Believing five zeros can do the thing
But there's no currency for being there

You are the one who teaches us how to be
We won't wait for ever
so make sure you won't show up five minutes off schedule

---
I've made some cuts, hope it works better now :)
 
Cool - the only nit I'd have is the singing of "money".
It doesn't sit well & should either lift or drop lower like was done with thing.
Nice playing too.
I'm happy with the less apparent form of the melody - it works & that's the deal in the end.
Warsaw - good name for a band - oh - that's been done?
The voice reminds me slightly of Anthony from A & the Johnsons!
 
I have one quick suggestion. Rather than "the sweetness we need", how about "the sweetness we crave." I started thinking about what it means to have a sweet-tooth, and that usually involves more of a craving, yearning rather than a "need." hmmm... along those lines, Candy for a child is a "treat", so maybe the line could be something along the lines of "The treat we crave is for our heart." Just throwing stuff out there. Take it or leave it. :) So far, so good tho!
 
blackmantra said:
Thank you loads Gecko Zzed and rayc ;) We've been recording today a little bit and on the way to the 'studio' I came up with some new lines to the song. Hope it makes more sense now:) Absolutely ALL grammar comments are wanted :) Other ones too :) You know, I've changed "we" to "I" but I'm not convinced if I should do that. My first intention was to write as a child, when I write "I" it's harder to see it's about kids but now when I think about it, using I makes it more universal :)

Oh, and when it comes to sweetness I was looking for some equivalent for long because my first association when I hear the word is sth you use instead of sugar;) I think this phrase should be changed a little bit coz I don't like to use words as 'love' and 'heart' and 'baby' too much ;) somehow they sound too obvious for me (even in English ;)).


----
Updated version #1

Working title (still :P):

PLAYSTATION

You think I can't tell what's wrong what's right
Don't you know I don't care for candy
The sweetness I need comes from your heart

I don't need a new playstation
I just crave some affection
Love is nothing you can buy
You should teach me that
Love is nothing you can get for money
Why do I have to tell you that?

You work hard coming home late
Believing five zeros can do the thing
But there's no currency for being there
When you care
Click to expand...

Hi blackmantra,

Perhaps an alternative to "sweetness" would be "confection" which has alternative meanings that might apply to candy as well as life.

2: something confected: as a: a fancy dish or sweetmeat ; also : a sweet food b: a medicinal preparation usually made with sugar, syrup, or honey c: a work of fine or elaborate craftsmanship d: a light but entertaining theatrical, cinematic, or literary work
Click to expand...

Nice sentiment!

Also, I find the line "Don't you know I don't care for candy" to be a bit disturbing with the use of a double negative within the same line. If you could work it into the melodic rhythm, you might try "Perhaps you should know, I don't care for candy" or something other than Don't, don't. One cancels the other out.

As for the line "Believing five zeros can do the thing"...
The very first thing that came to my mind was binary language instead of wages; I had to stop and think about it. I'm sure that a lot of people who work with computer languages and binary language might be thrown off track for at least a quick second. It's okay, but it might cause some to lose focus while having to readjust their thought pattern. An alternative would be "Believing six digits can do the thing" as "six digits" is very much recognized as being a target wage for white collar wage earners. Just my thoughts.

One other thing, as far as the use of the word "Playstation", you wouldn't want to pay Bill Gates a premium for using his trademarked name as a reference; he charges enough as it is.:D Besides, it dates your song.
 
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I really like jdblessing's 'the sweetness we crave'.

I like nzausroc's suggestions.

I think 'sweetness' is probably better than 'confection', which, to my ears, sounds a bit too academic.

I said in an earlier post that 'five zeroes' is great. I now that we talk about 'six figure' sums these days. But I like the intrigue and ambiguity of 'five zeroes'. It's one thing I hope you don't change!

The double negative can be a problem at times, but it's actually quite a powerful literary device. Compare:

A "You ain't going nowhere!"
B "You are going nowhere!"

A is grammatically incorrect, but much stronger than the purer B.

In any case, I'm not sure that "Don't you know I don't care for candy" is a double negative. The "don't you know" kind of sits apart from the "I don't care for candy."

You can say
A "Don't you know I don't care for candy"
or
B "You should know I don't care for candy"
or simply:
C "I don't care for candy".

There is little difference between these three.

[edit . .. sorry ani . . . i just reread this and realised that i was not very nice about your suggestions!]

I had a listen to the song.

The sound and feel of it is great; it has an ethereal mournfulness about it.
Your voice is awesome and the guitars sound wonderful.

I agree with nzausorc that the song could benefit with a more definite structure, but that depends partly on how it is going to be used.

Creating a balance between mystery and accessibility is difficult. As listeners, we like the security of patterns and repetition, but we also get bored easily. If you make use of non-traditional song structures, you won't have listeners suffering boredom through repetition, but you may find them drifting away because they've got nothing to latch on to.
 
After looking closely at the lyrics a second time, while I still think "Sweetness we crave" may be better than "sweetness we need" I realize that the chorus(?) already contains the word crave, and I'm not a big fan on using the same verb in a verse that is used in a chorus, especially so close together. I'm thinking rather than saying "... don't need a new <trademark video game system>" You could say "...don't want a new...." and the next line could use the word "need".

Oh, and don't worry about Bill Gates asking for a premium for "Playstation"...he can't. Playstation(TM) was a Sony(TM) product. Now if you said XBox(TM)....THAT's a Microsoft(TM) product... :D
 
jdblessing1970 said:
Oh, and don't worry about Bill Gates asking for a premium for "Playstation"...he can't. Playstation(TM) was a Sony(TM) product. Now if you said XBox(TM)....THAT's a Microsoft(TM) product... :D
Click to expand...

:o:D:o My Bad!!! You can tell that I'm not much of a gamer. My son owns both the XBox and the Playstation. Freudian slip on my part. To me, they are all just about the same. [Ani opens a can of worms with all the gamers and ducks down to miss the controller that just got thrown at her :D]
 
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