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Mayor Daley Denies Wrongdoing
President Bush declares Chicago "City of Evildoers" Calls them "The Fourth side of The Devil’s Triangle."
http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=170113566344
By Disassociated Press Writer: Wolfe Stone
“The Tape.” Little else has been on the nation’s collective mind since a seemingly innocent listing appeared on eBay May 18 in the year of our Lord two thousand and seven. Not since the infamous Virgin Mary toasted cheese sandwich sold on eBay for a whopping $28,000.00 in 2004 have Americans across the nation been glued to their radios, TVs, and computers, monitoring for the latest developments with such resolve.
It was just eleven little words squeezed into the title on eBay’s terribly inadequate 55-character limit…
“Quantegy GP9 1/2" reel tape NEW but less than 2500 ft.”
What did it mean? What was the seller trying say? “New but less than 2500 ft?” The world was drawn in to read the rest of the description and now people are scrambling and heads are rolling from the Vatican on down to the mean streets of Chi-town.
Rumors glide as effortlessly through The Windy City as the graceful feral Rock Dove (Columbia livia), but without the poop on the sidewalk. The most damaging allegation thus far is that four to six minutes of Quantegy GP9 tape was smuggled across town, allegedly in an Indonesian knockoff of a Victoria’s Secret bra, worn by Daley’s undocumented, non-union Gardner, who was dressed in drag at the time. The bra was found and is said to be on its way to the Illinois state Crime lab to be tested for oxide residue.
BUT WHERE IS THE TAPE?
Witnesses say, when approached by a timid, very petite female journalism student from the Cooking and Hospitality Institute of Chicago (a recent transfer from Kansas), The Mayor appeared agitated, exclaiming while poking his finger into her chest, “Are you talkin’ to me? ARE YOU TALKIN’ TO ME??” "Well little lady, there are 3 million people in this city of big shoulders and another 2 million undocumented aliens from here to F##king Kankakee. I can't be held responsible for all these people and all that they do! That is not my job"
One witness said the Mayor seemed more off balance, sweaty and defensive than usual. After he scolded the college teen he then pushed her camera into her face, knocking her to the ground. The Mayor’s bodyguards then dragged the screaming citizen down the stairs and into the street while several Chicago police officers looked away.
"Crazy aza mufu iz whadadit was" proclaimed local transit, the beloved neighborhood WWII hero turned hobo, 88-year-old Willie “Rail Dog” Meriwether, as he came crawling out from under a park bench with the odor of an alcoholic beverage on his breath.
“Dat ain’t right… not nothin’ ‘bout dat right. dere goes da man, yeah uhu… dats right…dere goes da man dat says we ain’t havin’ no guns in da city… ‘cuz he know we shoot his ass if we do. An he know we spray paint his ass as the nest bess thang, but we cain’t buy no spray paint no mo too.
The Mayor’s press secretary, Jacquelyn Heard, arrived just as the mayor disappeared into the city building and "Rail Dog" passed out under a nearby beautiful White Oak (The official Illinois state tree). Ms. Heard tried to explain Mayor Daley's actions, “The Mayor’s conduct was taken out of context. If you watch the video from the beginning you can clearly see by her approach and posturing that the 5 ft, 3 inch, 105 pound Kansas girl posed an imminent threat to the safety of the Mayor.”
“But what about the tape?” “Yes, tell us about the missing tape.” Came more angry voices from the crowd that had now gathered around Ms. Heard and her entourage.
“All we can tell you is that this tape when new is supposed to be 2500 feet long and run for approximately 32 minutes at 15 ips. We don’t know what happened to the missing four to six minutes and we don’t even know if it’s four or six minutes, or somewhere in between. Albini has denied any knowledge of the eBay auction for what’s left on the reel.”
“And what about the screaming in Budokan and complaints from the Japanese consulate?” The crowd demanded. “Look” exclaimed Heard, “We have been in direct contact with Prime Minister Shinzo Abe and he agreed, that’s just what young Japanese girls do in anticipation of a tour from any American rock band.”
"Apparently they’ve heard rumors of the four to six inches...eh, I mean minutes, and are just coming undone. Prime Minister Abe assured us that he understands and can handle any crisis that may develop. As for this band, Bear Claw, we don’t even know if they have plans for Budokan or even who the hell they are. But this is an eBay issue now. The city has no jurisdiction, and eBay doesn’t own this city or this city government, as they have yet to make an offer.”
We tried to contact eBay President, Bill Cobb through the normal eBay channels and received this reply:
Dear eBay Member,
It's never been more important that eBay deliver value through our miss marketing divestments, product ascendancy, depreciation and Rust & Safety stratagem. Times have chained from all those years ago when we were a small innovative idea… a twinkle in the Internet’s eye. Quite frankly, some of the problems demanding our attention are more multifarious. But what inspires me every morning—and though I still can’t look at myself in the mirror, what I hope inspires you, too--is that the opportunities for eBay and its subjects to succumb by celebrating what makes us unique and our uniquenessisity.
On behalf of everyone at eBay, I wish you all a very Happy whatever makes you happy.
Sincerely,
Bill Cobb
President, eBay North America
President Bush declares Chicago "City of Evildoers" Calls them "The Fourth side of The Devil’s Triangle."
http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=170113566344
By Disassociated Press Writer: Wolfe Stone
“The Tape.” Little else has been on the nation’s collective mind since a seemingly innocent listing appeared on eBay May 18 in the year of our Lord two thousand and seven. Not since the infamous Virgin Mary toasted cheese sandwich sold on eBay for a whopping $28,000.00 in 2004 have Americans across the nation been glued to their radios, TVs, and computers, monitoring for the latest developments with such resolve.
It was just eleven little words squeezed into the title on eBay’s terribly inadequate 55-character limit…
“Quantegy GP9 1/2" reel tape NEW but less than 2500 ft.”
What did it mean? What was the seller trying say? “New but less than 2500 ft?” The world was drawn in to read the rest of the description and now people are scrambling and heads are rolling from the Vatican on down to the mean streets of Chi-town.
Rumors glide as effortlessly through The Windy City as the graceful feral Rock Dove (Columbia livia), but without the poop on the sidewalk. The most damaging allegation thus far is that four to six minutes of Quantegy GP9 tape was smuggled across town, allegedly in an Indonesian knockoff of a Victoria’s Secret bra, worn by Daley’s undocumented, non-union Gardner, who was dressed in drag at the time. The bra was found and is said to be on its way to the Illinois state Crime lab to be tested for oxide residue.
BUT WHERE IS THE TAPE?
Witnesses say, when approached by a timid, very petite female journalism student from the Cooking and Hospitality Institute of Chicago (a recent transfer from Kansas), The Mayor appeared agitated, exclaiming while poking his finger into her chest, “Are you talkin’ to me? ARE YOU TALKIN’ TO ME??” "Well little lady, there are 3 million people in this city of big shoulders and another 2 million undocumented aliens from here to F##king Kankakee. I can't be held responsible for all these people and all that they do! That is not my job"
One witness said the Mayor seemed more off balance, sweaty and defensive than usual. After he scolded the college teen he then pushed her camera into her face, knocking her to the ground. The Mayor’s bodyguards then dragged the screaming citizen down the stairs and into the street while several Chicago police officers looked away.
"Crazy aza mufu iz whadadit was" proclaimed local transit, the beloved neighborhood WWII hero turned hobo, 88-year-old Willie “Rail Dog” Meriwether, as he came crawling out from under a park bench with the odor of an alcoholic beverage on his breath.
“Dat ain’t right… not nothin’ ‘bout dat right. dere goes da man, yeah uhu… dats right…dere goes da man dat says we ain’t havin’ no guns in da city… ‘cuz he know we shoot his ass if we do. An he know we spray paint his ass as the nest bess thang, but we cain’t buy no spray paint no mo too.
The Mayor’s press secretary, Jacquelyn Heard, arrived just as the mayor disappeared into the city building and "Rail Dog" passed out under a nearby beautiful White Oak (The official Illinois state tree). Ms. Heard tried to explain Mayor Daley's actions, “The Mayor’s conduct was taken out of context. If you watch the video from the beginning you can clearly see by her approach and posturing that the 5 ft, 3 inch, 105 pound Kansas girl posed an imminent threat to the safety of the Mayor.”
“But what about the tape?” “Yes, tell us about the missing tape.” Came more angry voices from the crowd that had now gathered around Ms. Heard and her entourage.
“All we can tell you is that this tape when new is supposed to be 2500 feet long and run for approximately 32 minutes at 15 ips. We don’t know what happened to the missing four to six minutes and we don’t even know if it’s four or six minutes, or somewhere in between. Albini has denied any knowledge of the eBay auction for what’s left on the reel.”
“And what about the screaming in Budokan and complaints from the Japanese consulate?” The crowd demanded. “Look” exclaimed Heard, “We have been in direct contact with Prime Minister Shinzo Abe and he agreed, that’s just what young Japanese girls do in anticipation of a tour from any American rock band.”
"Apparently they’ve heard rumors of the four to six inches...eh, I mean minutes, and are just coming undone. Prime Minister Abe assured us that he understands and can handle any crisis that may develop. As for this band, Bear Claw, we don’t even know if they have plans for Budokan or even who the hell they are. But this is an eBay issue now. The city has no jurisdiction, and eBay doesn’t own this city or this city government, as they have yet to make an offer.”
We tried to contact eBay President, Bill Cobb through the normal eBay channels and received this reply:
Dear eBay Member,
It's never been more important that eBay deliver value through our miss marketing divestments, product ascendancy, depreciation and Rust & Safety stratagem. Times have chained from all those years ago when we were a small innovative idea… a twinkle in the Internet’s eye. Quite frankly, some of the problems demanding our attention are more multifarious. But what inspires me every morning—and though I still can’t look at myself in the mirror, what I hope inspires you, too--is that the opportunities for eBay and its subjects to succumb by celebrating what makes us unique and our uniquenessisity.
On behalf of everyone at eBay, I wish you all a very Happy whatever makes you happy.
Sincerely,
Bill Cobb
President, eBay North America
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