lyrics review please!

[sharonclowe]

Here's a new one I'm working on. It will have a fairly upbeat tempo, and the typical acoustic borderline-country vibe that a lot of my stuff has (??? don't know exactly how you all would classify my music??....uuuugh, I don't want to be country! But "ah guess ah cain't hep it" ). Once I get a decent scratch track done I'll post it so you can hear how these words go with the melody. For now I'm just curious what you think of the lyrics in general. Those numbers are just me counting syllables. Still needs a title...


I keep a catalog of everything I ever did bad to you (17)
I take it out and read it every now and then (12)
I'm only tryin to discourage all the dumb things that I do (16)
Cause when my heart's in charge ain't nobody wins (11)

CHORUS
Oh, oh, oh, I miss you
In case you couldn't tell
I guess I'm getting by
But I'm not doing well
Oh, oh, oh, I miss you
In case it doesn't show
I can't remember why
I ever let you go

There was a time I felt entitled to whatever I didn't have (17)
And the love you tried to give me wasn't good enough (13)
Now I'm a study of what happens when a sweet love goes bad (15)
And when regret's your teacher ooo the lessons are tough (13 if you count the "ooo")

CHORUS
Oh, oh, oh, I miss you
In case you couldn't tell
I guess I'm getting by
But I'm not doing well
Oh, oh, oh, I miss you
In case it doesn't show
I can't remember why
I ever let you go

(BRIDGE) And I've made my restitution for the wrong that I've done
So tell me why can't I move on?.....(sustained note on the word "on")….

(then with very minimal instrumentation, and nothing but plain vocal on the last three or four words, repeat the first line "I keep a catalog of everything I ever did bad to you"…slight dramatic pause, then back into the chorus)

CHORUS
Oh, oh, oh, I miss you
In case you couldn't tell
I guess I'm getting by
But I'm not doing well
Oh, oh, oh, I miss you
In case it doesn't show
I can't remember why
I ever let you go

There's a movie 'bout a southern belle, she kinda sounds a lot like me (17)
She lost her true love in the end (8 just to be different)
Similar to her, I've been the architect of all my misery (16)
just call me "Scarlett" cause you're gone with the wind (11)

CHORUS
Oh, oh, oh, I miss you
In case you couldn't tell
I guess I'm getting by
But I'm not doing well
Oh, oh, oh, I miss you
In case it doesn't show
I can't remember why
I ever let you go

 

[sstone]

this is very very impressive at first look. I'll pick it apart once you get the demo up. I'm getting a very joni mitchell poetic songstress type of thing out of this. If the music is as good as the lyrics you'll be set!

 

[grimtraveller]

Deja Vu

Spooky....
This could almost have been written by someone I was involved with many, many moons ago. She kind of said words partly to this effect to me over a period of time.
I'm not often one to get into lyrics without having heard the song but because they partly resonate, I have to say they're good. I won't say "I like them", {that not a put down ~ I dislike the lyrics of hundreds of songs that I love passionately} but they are good and they're real.

 

[up-fiddler]

Some but not all....

Hey-I am glad you are still working on this one. I absolutely love the hook of the chorus. As I read it many possible melodies spring to mind. It is simple, yet catchy and should serve as a catalyst to what could be a great song. I Also like the last verse with the Southern Belle and the reference to Gone with the Wind. If it were mine I would keep these two portions and then try some rewrites on the other verses and see where the song might lead me. You may end up with three or four songs and then choose the one that best fits your chorus. For me, the rest of the song just doesn't fit well with what I think is a great chorus. Please take no offense. That is just my method and what I would do with this one. Good luck, Dave.

 

[Armistice]

I think in the fourth line of the second verse, the "ooo" should be "oooo"...

Will make all the difference.

Sharon, take this the right way please, but I don't think you need to be too concerned with what we think of your lyrics... it's always nice to get pats on the back from strangers, but stride out with the confidence that you know what you're doing, and are good at it.

I'm pretty sure you are.

Cheers

 

[up-fiddler]

I think...

...the first line of the previous post should be "ooo"mitted.

Seriously, people are just trying to help with constructive critique. "ooo" my gosh, what a concept.

 

[Armistice]

...the first line of the previous post should be "ooo"mitted.

Seriously, people are just trying to help with constructive critique. "ooo" my gosh, what a concept.

Don't get much humour up your way?

Seriously, I know what people are trying to help with, my point is that I don't think sharonclowe needs our help and she should forge ahead bravely singing exactly what she wants to sing...

Which is about as positive as you can get with constructive critique...

 

[up-fiddler]

Don't get much humour up your way?

We're in the throws of winter here. We wouldn't expect summer folk to understand. We also misspell humor and color up our way.

I understand your point completely regarding critique of Sharon. She is a fine writer. I have over 900 posts to this forum in the past and if you care to look them up I think you will find most of them objective and constructive. I was just trying to offer an opinion. No offense taken and certainly none was ever intended. Dave

 

[rayc]

"I'm watching people shouting
I'm watching people fighting
On Armistice Day"
Being we only commemorated the end of the war to end all wars just a week ago let us all remember that words written down can be bent in many ways
& that words bent by sounds can take the pain away.

 

[sharonclowe]

thanks for the comments! I have been busy studying for a big exam coming up in December and haven't had time to goof off here lately!!

I think in the fourth line of the second verse, the "ooo" should be "oooo"...

Will make all the difference.

Sharon, take this the right way please, but I don't think you need to be too concerned with what we think of your lyrics... it's always nice to get pats on the back from strangers, but stride out with the confidence that you know what you're doing, and are good at it.

I'm pretty sure you are.

Cheers

Awwww...thanks Armistice! I think I'm getting better at it, but yes it is nice to get a pat on the back (hopefully once I put it to music the pats won't come to an abrupt stop!!)

You crack me up about the "ooo"'s (i'll give your suggestion a try though....4 oooo's might be that extra touch to make the song sparkle!!)

Hey-I am glad you are still working on this one. I absolutely love the hook of the chorus. As I read it many possible melodies spring to mind. It is simple, yet catchy and should serve as a catalyst to what could be a great song. I Also like the last verse with the Southern Belle and the reference to Gone with the Wind. If it were mine I would keep these two portions and then try some rewrites on the other verses and see where the song might lead me. You may end up with three or four songs and then choose the one that best fits your chorus. For me, the rest of the song just doesn't fit well with what I think is a great chorus. Please take no offense. That is just my method and what I would do with this one. Good luck, Dave.

thanks fiddler...one of these days I will get the rough version of how the melody goes, then see what you think of how it fits. And don't worry people....I'm not that sensitive so I can handle constructive criticism/other people's opinions.

"I'm watching people shouting
I'm watching people fighting
On Armistice Day"
Being we only commemorated the end of the war to end all wars just a week ago let us all remember that words written down can be bent in many ways
& that words bent by sounds can take the pain away.

Hi Ray...my wise and linguistically blessed friend! Hope you have a great weekend ahead. Sharon

 

[Milnoque]

Nice poetry.

My 2 cents says you may be hitting the chorus one too many times. Perhaps it will set the stage better if you drop the first one.

In line three substituting stupid for dumb and losing the word "that" following it might sing better.

Armistice is dead wrong. four "O's" is too many for an uptempo song. Stick with three.

 

[rayc]

I stopped using dumb in the early 80's when it ws pointed out that it was & is historically used as a scornful term for the mute.
I also stopped using stupid a couple of years later when I discovered it's origins and the fact that its Spanish version is a VERY heavy putdown though this isn't borne out by online translations - it may be a South American interpretation.
That said they both have currency and working around them lyrically is VERY hard work.

 

[dewhitt]

Hi Sharon,

I like the lyrics so far, but I would love to hear them in your scratch track I hesitate to say too much without hearing it in action first, but I agree with what Milnoque said above - arrangement-wise it seems like a lot of choruses. I'm just curious, do you have an idea yet of how long the song will be? If it were me, I'd maybe cut the first chorus and replace it with a melodic interlude on guitar, harmonica, whatever that leads right back to the 2nd verse, and then maybe cut the second chorus in half and only have the full chorus in the middle and end. But again, it's difficult to be sure without hearing it.

Good luck, it sounds like it's going to be another nice song!

Best,

Dave DeWhitt
SoundClick artist: Dave DeWhitt - page with MP3 music downloads

Btw, I just read back through and saw your post about an exam...good luck with that! Hopefully it's done soon so you can get back to the fun stuff!!!