june challenges here

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gecko zzed

gecko zzed

Grumpy Mod
okay . . . I'll be the lead lemming and go first.

Only because I've been working on this already. The song has male and female perspectives, and works like a duet. But the way I'm working it, it is sung only with a male voice . . .and thus there is no differentiation aurally between male and female parts . . . which kinda makes it ambiguous for the listener. The lyrics are below, and for the sake of comprensibility, I've shown who is telling which story:

Pink Boots

(verse - him)
red riding hood
comes strolling by
in heels so high
she turns like a wraith
sliding into the night
her eyes, so ghostly wide

(Chorus)
(him) long-legged leather boot
(her) it's so fine
(him) embracing a stockinged foot
(her) stretch and recline
(him) the swell of a shapely calf
(her) so well defined
(him) a walk down the garden path
(her) it crossed my mind

(verse - him) a purple thread
escapes the scarf
around your throat
it rests on a curve
softly hidden in black
a breath becomes a sigh

(Chorus)
(him) long-legged leather boot
(her) it's so fine
(him) embracing a stockinged foot
(her) stretch and recline
(him) the swell of a shapely calf
(her) so well defined
(him) a walk down the garden path
(her) it crossed my mind


(Bridge)
(her) are you the bad wolf?
are your teeth too sharp?
why do you stare?
what do you see?
what big eyes you have

I am not afraid
I will show no fear
what do you want?
what do you need?
what do you see?

(Chorus)
(him) long-legged leather boot
(her) it's so fine
(him) embracing a stockinged foot
(her) stretch and recline
(him) the swell of a shapely calf
(her) so well defined
(him) a walk down the garden path
(her) it crossed my mind

(verse - him) your two long legs
in their pink boots
stretched out at ease
the rise of a thigh
softly hidden in black
a shadow takes on a life
 
I'll go next because I've been wanting to get this song out of moth balls.:D

It's not new, but I've always wanted to find a nice Sheila to do a duet with or buy a mask and be the Phantom of the Opera.:eek: Just kidding.

Here is the song with the chords over top of the lyrics:


Out of My Life by Xeries (that's not really my name - shhhhhh)

A E
Him: "She's on her way out of my life

A E
Her loving me was just another twist of the knife

A E
I thought that she would be a good wife

(D arpeggio in triplets all during this phrase until the word life which resolves to E)
Ahh, but I guess she's on her way - yes I guess she's on her way - out of my life"
A E
Her: "I guess I didn't mean all that much
A E
His loving me was just another body to touch
A E
I thought I would have been a good crutch
D D D D E
Ahh, but I guess I didn't mean - no I guess I didn't mean - mean all that much"

Him: "She doesn't know my feelings inside

She doesn't understand how much it hurt when she lied

I can't believe her now although I've tried

Ahh, cause she doesn't know my feelings - no she doesn't know my feelings - my feelings inside"

They both sing: "I know it's time to pick up my head

A couple days ago I thought I'd rather be dead

And still my tired eyes are gettin' red

Ahh, but I know it's time to pick up - yes I know it's time to pick up - pick up my head."


The End
 
What happens now?

Is Gecko zzed going to post his song? Should I record mine? I'm not sure what kind of challenge this is.
 
The challenge is meant to stretch our limits on songwriting, while giving us the chance to give and receive constructing critism.

Much to my embarassment, I had written the first part of my "duet" then life got so busy I haven't had a chance to complete the counterpart yet. For what its worth, here's what I've got so far... think C/W...


KEEPING UP WITH THE JONESES.
Male:
I work two jobs all week long
‘Cause we have bills to pay
When I get home, late at night
I don’t have much to say
I just want to watch TV
And maybe get a drink
Keeping up with the Joneses
Is leaving me too tired to think

Big house, big yard, SUV
Internet, cable, big screen TV
The life we’re living just ain’t free
Keeping up with the Joneses is killing me.

Female:
I remember that you promised me
We’d live the good life
But now you’re working so hard for it
You’ve forgotten me, your wife.

*****
That's where I've stopped. I'm trying to get it to the end, where they decide to rethink their priorities, get rid of the things that they really don't need...the last chorus will have the theme that they "lead a life of so little fuss/ Now the Joneses want to keep up with us."
 
jdblessing1970 said:
The challenge is meant to stretch our limits on songwriting, while giving us the chance to give and receive constructing critism.

Much to my embarassment, I had written the first part of my "duet" then life got so busy I haven't had a chance to complete the counterpart yet. For what its worth, here's what I've got so far... think C/W...


KEEPING UP WITH THE JONESES.
Male:
I work two jobs all week long
‘Cause we have bills to pay
When I get home, late at night
I don’t have much to say
I just want to watch TV
And maybe get a drink
Keeping up with the Joneses
Is leaving me too tired to think

Big house, big yard, SUV
Internet, cable, big screen TV
The life we’re living just ain’t free
Keeping up with the Joneses is killing me.

Female:
I remember that you promised me
We’d live the good life
But now you’re working so hard for it
You’ve forgotten me, your wife.

*****
That's where I've stopped. I'm trying to get it to the end, where they decide to rethink their priorities, get rid of the things that they really don't need...the last chorus will have the theme that they "lead a life of so little fuss/ Now the Joneses want to keep up with us."
Click to expand...

I like where you're going with this. Good phrases with a cadence that reads very well. I think anyone with any common sense could relate to it, except, of course, The Joneses. :D
 
gecko zzed said:
Post it if it is available.

Pink boots is in here:

http://www.myspace.com/mikeraine
Click to expand...


Very nice song, Gecko. The harmonies are really pretty. Sounds like a piece from a musical because of the Big Bad Wolf POV. I kept wanting to hear the last chord on the word "mind" resolved to a major, but it's nice the way it is. Good song. Enjoyed it.

This is a neat challenge. Now I have to go out and record mine. Drat, I hate when that happens.:D
 
Xeries said:
Now I have to go out and record mine. Drat, I hate when that happens.:D
Click to expand...

I had the advantage . . . I had written this track a while ago, and had done a whole heap of work on it, then put it away, not being totally satisfied with it. So it was sitting there in the too hard basket when the challenge resurfaced it.

As for resolving "mind" from a Dm a major, it sometimes goes to DM, and at other times to Eb. I tried the D instead, and it has possibilities, so I will let that idea sit amongst the others while they ferment.
 
I'm caught short handed on this one.
Taking a lead from a previous comment I dug up the beginning of a duet from a musical I had begun writing with a friend before he succumbed to cancer.
We were writing a comedy about JC & Cleopatra - called Cleo
This was a love song for them to sing just before they are taken down.
Kevin was a brilliant melody writer, superb lyricist & exquisite arranger - we did a show about Maid Marion being the true & and, naturally, feminist hero (Rob'n'Marion) just before Men In Tights was mooted. Kevin did a brilliant Cinderella to which I added a mouse rap etc.
Unfortuantely he didn't get to even see the germ of an overblown hyperbuccolic power ballad I'd started; but this is it. I'll endavour to finish it this month.
Think Celine with Groban backed by Rieu:

A Love They Can’t Ignore.

Him ....Our time is short but it it’s been full,
Her ....We’ve waited all our lives.
Him ....I’ve known your voice since I was aware,
Her ....Your face is no surprise.
Him ....But if tonight is all we have,
Her ....I want to fill it up.
Him ....& if this night is all that’s left,
Her ....It’s time
Them ....to drain the cup.
CHORUS
Him ....Ours is a love that will endure,
Her ....Through history’s crowded pages.
Him ....Ours is a match they’ll celebrate,
Her ....Wherever true love rages.
Them ....Because it burns so brightly,
........& will burn forever more.
........Ours is a love
Him ....they
Her ....can’t
Them ....ignore.
 
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You folk have done some fine work so far.
The choruses on Gekkozeed song are VERY smooth, sophisticated the harmonies & chords really give it the goods. Smooth & sharp like the lethal intent in the lyric.
Xeries, I haven't tried the chords but the story lines gives me the Issac Hayes version of By the Time I Get To Phoenix vibe. Built on misunderstanding & regret - they're such common mistakes in relationships. Your lines make the Venus & Mars argument well.
jdblessing1970, very Working Class Man - I can hear the slow build to a BIG chorus. OR a Meatloaf/Ellen Folley battle a Two Outta Three?
 
rayc said:
jdblessing1970, very Working Class Man - I can hear the slow build to a BIG chorus. OR a Meatloaf/Ellen Folley battle a Two Outta Three?
Click to expand...

i really could relate to that one too. very clearly laid out and easy to viusalize due to the wording, laymen terms, working middle class. great job.
 
COOLCAT said:
i really could relate to that one too. very clearly laid out and easy to viusalize due to the wording, laymen terms, working middle class. great job.
Click to expand...

Thanks guys...this one is born out of a couple of things...one, my father was a workaholic back in the day, nearly destroyed his marriage; I've seen reflections of the workaholic mentality on the tv show "7 days to save our marriage" where the men spend so much time at work thinking they're doing their family a favor, but in fact wind up hurting them by their absence. The other is a conversation I had with a really close friend about the effect of the high gas prices...she envisioned people having to give up more "luxuries", ie big houses, SUV's, etc. and moving closer to where the work is, or finding work closer to home. The song just kinda put the two ideas together.
 
rayc said:
A Love They Can’t Ignore.

Him ....Our time is short but it it’s been full,
Her ....We’ve waited all our lives.
Him ....I’ve known your voice since I was aware,
Her ....Your face is no surprise.
Him ....But if tonight is all we have,
Her ....I want to fill it up.
Him ....& if this night is all that’s left,
Her ....It’s time
Them ....to drain the cup.
CHORUS
Him ....Ours is a love that will endure,
Her ....Through history’s crowded pages.
Him ....Ours is a match they’ll celebrate,
Her ....Wherever true love rages.
Them ....Because it burns so brightly,
........& will burn forever more.
........Ours is a love
Him ....they
Her ....can’t
Them ....ignore.
Click to expand...


So far, seems like a powerful piece, especially for a comedy. Only thing with me is I'm not sure how smoothly the last three words (they can't ignore) will come off. I'm a fan of musicals, myself and I'd love to see how this one turns out.
 
june challenge review

Out of my life

I thought some of the lyrics were a bit awkward when I first read them. For example, "I thought she would be a good wife", "I thought I would have been a good crutch", "pick up my head" (and I'd really like to hear a more convincing hook than this), and "I'd rather be dead". I get the sense that there was a bit of twisting and turning to keep the rhyming pattern intact. I also have to admit that my preference is for lyrics that are less overt and more allegorical, and that these preferences influence my judgment. Hearing them in context I note that they flow with the music nicely, and for me the demo gave me a strong impression of Moody Blues. The track had a rich and warm sound and a pleasing sparseness to it. However (and this is probably not the place to critique production), the harmony work, though good, could benefit from tightening up on the phrasing so that beginnings and endings of words and phrases lined up. I was looking for the two perspectives, and the 'his' story is fairly clear: basically regret at unmet expectations and a sense of betrayal ("it hurt when she lied"). The 'her' story is less clear. Again there is an unmet expectation ("I thought I would have been a good crutch", with its implied "but obviously I wasn't"), but I would have liked to have heard her view of the "lie".

Keeping up with the Joneses

This set of lyrics started promisingly with a strong depiction of the working man's lament: so busy living up to expectations (a recurring theme, it seems), that he misses paying attention to the things that should be attended to (as summed up in "You've forgotten me, your wife"). The lyrics capture the shallowness of contemporary consumerism, and I expect, were the song to see completion, we would have revealed for us the turn-about where the "Jones want to keep up with us". I hope you complete this, because I would like to hear how this turn-about happens!

A love they can't ignore

As a piece for a musical this is great writing. The lyrics flow well, with a fluid transition between "him" and "her". The vision of a stage with our two protagonists in heartfelt duet leaps from these lyrics. This set is different to the two sets above in that here "he" and "she" are in accord, and though their perspectives may be different, what we have here is their union in the face of opposition.
 
gecko zzed said:
Out of my life

I thought some of the lyrics were a bit awkward when I first read them. For example, "I thought she would be a good wife", "I thought I would have been a good crutch", "pick up my head" (and I'd really like to hear a more convincing hook than this), and "I'd rather be dead". I get the sense that there was a bit of twisting and turning to keep the rhyming pattern intact. I also have to admit that my preference is for lyrics that are less overt and more allegorical, and that these preferences influence my judgment. Hearing them in context I note that they flow with the music nicely, and for me the demo gave me a strong impression of Moody Blues. The track had a rich and warm sound and a pleasing sparseness to it. However (and this is probably not the place to critique production), the harmony work, though good, could benefit from tightening up on the phrasing so that beginnings and endings of words and phrases lined up. I was looking for the two perspectives, and the 'his' story is fairly clear: basically regret at unmet expectations and a sense of betrayal ("it hurt when she lied"). The 'her' story is less clear. Again there is an unmet expectation ("I thought I would have been a good crutch", with its implied "but obviously I wasn't"), but I would have liked to have heard her view of the "lie".
Click to expand...

Sorry for the typo gecko. Obviously, all of the lines have the same cadence and meter. It should have read: I thought she would have been a good wife.

The song is what it is. The listener is not informed what the lie was, only that there was one. It is a song of extreme sadness that I find difficult to pull off successfully, but there you have it. The relationship is over and they both have accepted the fact that there is no piecing it together.

Perhaps it was a misunderstanding and she didn't think she was untrustworthy.

A crutch is simply something to lean on, just a metaphor and like much of my lyrics, not much more than an impression that someone might be able to relate to.

As far as the harmonies go, it's a tough one to pull off. The melody is all over the place with the lead and the BGV's sometimes have to stay on one note because there is no pleasing interval at a 3rd or even a 5th.

Perhaps a bit too ambitious. But actually, the song only has harmony in the last verse when they both are singing. (See above lyrics)

I sang them on all the verses just to experiment where to go.

Notice that the last verse is sung twice. Obviously, that is kind of overdone and the one in the 4th spot will be replaced with a break. I'm thinking nylon string and cello.

I only spent a couple hours on this to see where it would go.

Thanks for the challenge. It got me to begin the production of this song.

It'll probably be part of a new musical. About time I wrote another one.;)
 
Xeries,
As gecko suggested - VERY Moody Blues! I really like the relationship between the three voices.
The lyrics work much better in their musical setting. I wouldn't do too much with the recording either. Maybe consider a different string patch or move that line into a higher octave occasionally but it's good. Good work mate!
 
rayc said:
Xeries,
As gecko suggested - VERY Moody Blues! I really like the relationship between the three voices.
The lyrics work much better in their musical setting. I wouldn't do too much with the recording either. Maybe consider a different string patch or move that line into a higher octave occasionally but it's good. Good work mate!
Click to expand...

Thanks rayc, I can't sing any higher than that unless I can find a time machine and even then probably only a major 3rd higher.:D

What I really need is a female to do this thing right. Know anybody who wants to collaborate? It would take all of 15 minutes to lay down a track of the 2nd and last verse for her.
 
I tried to keep them in character - light operatic, melodramatic, bombastic as well as build on the impending doom - I also had to avoid being too obvious about shaking her asp & the heavy handed amateur accupuncturist co-op succumbing to mob rule.
Whether is work or not you'll tell me I hope.

A Love They Can’t Ignore.

Him Our time is short but it it’s been full,
Her We’ve waited all our lives.
Him I’ve known your voice since I was aware,
Her Your face is no surprise.
Him But if tonight is all we have,
Her I want to fill it up.
Him & if this night is all that’s left,
Her It’s time to drain the cup.

Him Our is a love that will endure,
Her Through history’s crowded pages.
Him Ours is a match they’ll celebrate,
Her Wherever true love rages. CHORUS
They Because it burns so brightly,
& will burn forever more.
Ours is a love they can’t ignore.

Her My one soul mate you’ll always be,
Him You are my only passion.
Her The touch of you is all I need,
Him A love we cannot ration.
Her But if tonight is all we have,
Him Come dear and fill my cup.
Her For if tonight is all we’ve left,
Him Then time indeed is up.

Him Our is a love that will endure,
Her Through history’s crowded pages.
Him Ours is a match they’ll celebrate,
Her Wherever true love rages. CHORUS
They Because it burns so brightly,
& will burn forever more.
Ours is a love they can’t ignore.

Him Time is short and the chalice full,
Her And we’ve a bitter pill.
Him I known if we don’t do this thing,
Her Many others gladly will.
Him Now that tonight is all we have,
Her Let’s take this drink as one.
Him This moment now is all that’s left,
Her Taste the Destiny we can’t outrun.

Him Our is a love that will endure,
Her Through history’s crowded pages.
Him Ours is a match they’ll celebrate,
Her Wherever true love rages. CHORUS
They Because it burns so brightly,
& will burn forever more.
Ours is a love they can’t ignore.
 
First take of finished song for Keeping Up with the Joneses:

KEEPING UP WITH THE JONESES.

Male:
I work two jobs all week long
‘Cause we have bills to pay
When I get home, late at night
I don’t have much to say
I just want to watch TV
And maybe get a drink
Keeping up with the Joneses
Is leaving me too tired to think

Big house, big yard, SUV
Internet, cable, big screen TV
The life we’re living just ain’t free
Keeping up with the Joneses is killing me.

Female:
You promised me when we married
We’d live the good life
But you spend so much time at work
There’s no time left for me, your wife.
You’re trying your best to keep your word,
That’s the part I don’t mind
But keeping up with the Joneses
Is leaving me far behind.

Big house, big yard, SUV
Internet, cable, big screen TV
They’re all things that I don’t need
Keeping up with the Joneses is killing me.

Male: I could start coming home earlier
So I could spend more time with you
Female: And I can buy my clothes at a second-hand store,
They don’t all need to be new
Male: I can live without a big screen TV
Our smaller one works just fine
Female: And we can find more things to do at home for free
We don’t have to leave to have a good time.


Smaller house, smaller yard, old pick-up truck
A whole lotta love and a little bit of luck,
We can live a life of so little fuss
That the Joneses will want to keep up with us

*********
I know, the syllable count is a bit off on the last verse...that's my lack of actual training showing through, but I think it can still work well. I'm not sure I'm %100 thrilled with it, but if it ain't there yet, it's getting close. :)
 
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