up-fiddler
Taming the World--for now
A special thanks to geck for getting this thing rolling. Here are my honest thoughts. Keep in mind that what I say is always meant to help the writer grow. It is NEVER my intent to hurt someone's feelings or damn their work. I am just another voice in the wilderness with my own special set of foibles so my suggestions should probably be taken with several grains of salt.
Set free ~ cnix
Verse 1
It’s not the ending I had planned.
Her crumpled picture in my hand.
As her love for me fades, fades away.
I’m living with a broken heart.
Life’s meaningless with us apart.
Searching for a way, to make it through the day.
The first two lines of this song are killers. They set the stage for the tune in no uncertain terms and do it without cliché. Well done. The ‘broken heart’ is a bit overdone for my tastes but it works all right here.
Chorus
I just want to live.
I just want to love.
I just want to free her hold on me.
Break the chains that bind my grief.
And be set free. And be set free.
I will need to hear the CHS on this before I can tell if it works for me or not. (Most choruses are that way for me. I like to hear a bit of hook in there.)
Verse 2
All alone with nothing left inside.
Hollow feelings I can’t hide.
I’m living day by day, day by day.
Left with just an empty soul.
Drained by the love she stole.
Searching for a way, to make it through the day.
Verse two doesn’t have the raw power of verse one. I like the redundancy of the first two lines. They set up the repeat in the third line nicely. I get the feeling that you just gave up on the last line though. I think there would be other more creative ways to say the same thing without losing the ‘ay’ rhyme scheme. All in all, it’s a nice tune.
Chorus
I just want to live.
I just want to love.
I just want to free her hold on me.
Break the chains that bind my grief.
I just want to laugh.
I just want to cry.
I just want to free her hold on me.
Break the chains that bind my grief
And be set free, And be set free, And be set free
Gone ~ Strat1958
Empty house, empty streets
Same old same old, just repeats
Empty feeling in my soul
You had gone
Empty nights, empty days
Stumbling through it, in a haze
It was out, of my control
Since you’d gone
The first two lines of this are also great. I love the repeats of empty.
I think they work well in a song about emptiness.
[CH]
Coming home, the room was cold
Overnight, I felt so old
Coming home, the light was on
But it was dark
Yeah it was dark
Because you’d gone
How did I help, create this mess?
The whistling wind, cried emptiness
I heard a voice outside the door
But you’d gone
I wouldn’t change, I wouldn’t say
That everything was not OK
My footsteps echoed, on the floor
Cause you’d gone
The rhyme scheme for this tune is wonderful. I like songs that get away from 1&3 2&4 rhymes. The echoing footsteps add to the feeling of emptiness.
[BRIDGE]
Now there’s a phrase, time has a way
And tomorrow doesn’t have to be today
Don’t start over – start again
Pull some sunshine through the rain
Is “Time heals all wounds” the phrase you refer to? If so, that is a clever turn my friend.
[CH]
Coming home, the room is warm
Clouds are clearing, from the storm
Coming home, the light is on
My emptiness
My emptiness
Yeah my emptiness is nearly gone
The upbeat ending helps to keep me from putting a gun in my mouth. But it somehow seems like cheating. (Not really.) Nice tune.
Nonexistent ~ icystorm
Verse 1
You can believe what you want
I can't erase the way I feel
I know that you do not want me
and it's a fact colder than steel
Beyond the tides of Titan's pull
Behind a memory surreal
I take the pains of prayer to you
I kneel defenseless to your spell
Wonderful imagery in this verse. Titan’s/Neptune’s pull?
Chorus
I'm nonexistent to you
I'm nonexistent in your eyes
Your words are all I cling to
My world means nothing in your life
If my nonexistence pleases you
I'll love you from the shadows of your mind
I like the way this is written but feel that it will take a special vox to be able to sing ‘nonexistent’ with any feeling. I look forward to hearing how you pull it off. “shadows of your mind” is a huge turnoff for me but that’s just a personal thing.
Verse 2
I can't deny what you want
You can't pretend you ever cared
I know that you do not love me
and that's a curse hotter than Hell
Beyond my crazy thoughts of you
Born of a hurt that's far too real
I bear the shame of loving you
I crawl and beg for what you sell
I like this verse but am not fond of how you say what you say. The last line, in particular, needs to be changed in my opinion. The verse just doesn’t grab me like the first verse did.
You certainly nailed the concept of Emptiness with this song and that IS what the challenge was about. Nice work.
(repeat chorus)
Bridge
I'm far too gone I'll never hold you
I'm far too hurt to ever have you
If love is one too many ways to die
Why do I cry for you
emptiness ~ louisv
I've been walking
on a road so empty
no one drivin'
sidewalks lonely
Road or sidewalk? I like the introduction of ‘empty’ right away in this tune.
tell me brother
how is mom doing
our loving mother
is she farm shopping
yeah what' up with dad
he remembers me?
glad he's not mad
at me..
As I read this the meter is difficult for me to follow. That may or may not make it difficult to sing depending on your musical treatment of this tune. It will be interesting to hear.
and how about my big brother
he taught me everything
is he still a lawyer
just like i still sing
I love the contrast between these professions and how you handle it succinctly. These two lines speak tomes.
and hey what's up with you
is your cat alright
what you got two?
now thats not right
The introduction of a bit of humor in a song about emptiness is a pleasant touch.
haha yeah i'm comming back
just to take some rest
but when i came back
home was an empty nest
Be careful to keep the same verb tense throughout. This is an interesting approach to the subject of Emptiness. The song seems very personal. Is it based on a part of your life? Writing “what you know’ as they always tell us is a sword with two edges. It is easier to write but sometimes the authors are the only ones who can fully comprehend their work.
Emptiness ~ upfiddler
I never critique my own tunes. I come to you guys for that work. To date, I have never been let down in that respect. For that I owe each of you a huge debt of gratitude over the years. Please remember to be honest. “I love this song” or “I hate this song” doesn’t really help me grow as a writer. I have big shoulders…..tell me what needs to be changed. Thanks in advance, Dave.
When I seek I always find
Loneliness and me entwined.
Each passing hour does remind
Me of this Emptiness.
All alone
Yet I’m surrounded.
The gates of hell
Have clearly sounded.
A time to reap
And time to sow.
The meter clangs
It’s time to go.
If I could simply find a friend
And not another passing trend.
I’d take their hand and we’d ascend
From this Emptiness.
All alone
Yet I’m surrounded.
The gates of hell
Have clearly sounded.
A time to reap
And time to sow.
The meter clangs
It’s time to go.
So I slip back to my room
Wishing life could now resume.
Perhaps exchange this Baby Boom
For some dark Emptiness?
All alone
Yet I’m surrounded.
The gates of hell
Have clearly sounded.
A time to reap
And time to sow.
The meter clangs
It’s time to go.
emptiness ~ gecko zzed
in a chest I kept my thoughts
safely under lock and key
when I opened up that box
there was nothing there
just emptiness
nothing left
for me
The verse sets up a feeling that you are completely bereft. Even your thoughts are gone. Nice touch. I like ‘trunk’ as opposed to ‘chest’….no sibilance and more emphasis. Just me though.
all my words had turned to dust
crumbled stories never told
I turned the casket upside down
and hoped for something left
no emptiness
nothing there
for me
OK. Now I am officially in a full state of depression. Oh yeah, now I remember. That’s the point. The idea that your words, and their related images, have been dead and buried for a long time is an interesting one to me. I don’t know if I like it but I appreciate the cleverness behind the verse.
I cannot find any words
left alive to tell the tale
I will have to start anew
This time I will not fail
I think that there are enough rhymes for ”ale/ail” that you could rewrite the last line without losing the tone of the song or changing the rhyme scheme.
I walk along an empty street
waiting inspiration's call
my feet kept up a steady beat
but there's nothing there
just emptiness
nothing there
at all
I absolutely love the way you use ‘feet’ and their movement in your songs. I see it as a repeated theme in your music. Were I a psychotherapist I might get all wierded out by that. (But I’m not!)
yellow dress ~ nzausrec
You're my girl
and forever will be mine
the sweetest apple on the trees
in any orchard
in any valley
Forever will be mine
forever will be mine
Born from your mother's pain
so proud so free
to watch you appear that day
Now without you I cry
A pretty meadow, a little stream
butterflies flying
a yellow dress
that flutters in the leaves
This (above) is by far the strongest stanza. Have you considered making it a chorus and repeating it? Just a thought.
There's a little girl in your hands
Lord, a little girl in the palm of your hands
and you watch over her
and you look out for her
and you make a little place
where the good things are
and you watch over her
and you look out for her
and you make a little place
and I'll be with her once more
This tune seems very upbeat to me to fully represent the concept of Emptiness. I get the death of a young child who has gone to Heaven. That certainly sets the stage for Emptiness. I just don’t get a deep sense of grief and mourning over her loss. This tune, as I reread it a third time, is well crafted in my opinion. Your sense of loss is heightened by the way you reminisce over your wonderful times together. I hope that this is a fictional work. If not, then please accept my condolences. Finely written.
Set free ~ cnix
Verse 1
It’s not the ending I had planned.
Her crumpled picture in my hand.
As her love for me fades, fades away.
I’m living with a broken heart.
Life’s meaningless with us apart.
Searching for a way, to make it through the day.
The first two lines of this song are killers. They set the stage for the tune in no uncertain terms and do it without cliché. Well done. The ‘broken heart’ is a bit overdone for my tastes but it works all right here.
Chorus
I just want to live.
I just want to love.
I just want to free her hold on me.
Break the chains that bind my grief.
And be set free. And be set free.
I will need to hear the CHS on this before I can tell if it works for me or not. (Most choruses are that way for me. I like to hear a bit of hook in there.)
Verse 2
All alone with nothing left inside.
Hollow feelings I can’t hide.
I’m living day by day, day by day.
Left with just an empty soul.
Drained by the love she stole.
Searching for a way, to make it through the day.
Verse two doesn’t have the raw power of verse one. I like the redundancy of the first two lines. They set up the repeat in the third line nicely. I get the feeling that you just gave up on the last line though. I think there would be other more creative ways to say the same thing without losing the ‘ay’ rhyme scheme. All in all, it’s a nice tune.
Chorus
I just want to live.
I just want to love.
I just want to free her hold on me.
Break the chains that bind my grief.
I just want to laugh.
I just want to cry.
I just want to free her hold on me.
Break the chains that bind my grief
And be set free, And be set free, And be set free
Gone ~ Strat1958
Empty house, empty streets
Same old same old, just repeats
Empty feeling in my soul
You had gone
Empty nights, empty days
Stumbling through it, in a haze
It was out, of my control
Since you’d gone
The first two lines of this are also great. I love the repeats of empty.
I think they work well in a song about emptiness.
[CH]
Coming home, the room was cold
Overnight, I felt so old
Coming home, the light was on
But it was dark
Yeah it was dark
Because you’d gone
How did I help, create this mess?
The whistling wind, cried emptiness
I heard a voice outside the door
But you’d gone
I wouldn’t change, I wouldn’t say
That everything was not OK
My footsteps echoed, on the floor
Cause you’d gone
The rhyme scheme for this tune is wonderful. I like songs that get away from 1&3 2&4 rhymes. The echoing footsteps add to the feeling of emptiness.
[BRIDGE]
Now there’s a phrase, time has a way
And tomorrow doesn’t have to be today
Don’t start over – start again
Pull some sunshine through the rain
Is “Time heals all wounds” the phrase you refer to? If so, that is a clever turn my friend.
[CH]
Coming home, the room is warm
Clouds are clearing, from the storm
Coming home, the light is on
My emptiness
My emptiness
Yeah my emptiness is nearly gone
The upbeat ending helps to keep me from putting a gun in my mouth. But it somehow seems like cheating. (Not really.) Nice tune.
Nonexistent ~ icystorm
Verse 1
You can believe what you want
I can't erase the way I feel
I know that you do not want me
and it's a fact colder than steel
Beyond the tides of Titan's pull
Behind a memory surreal
I take the pains of prayer to you
I kneel defenseless to your spell
Wonderful imagery in this verse. Titan’s/Neptune’s pull?
Chorus
I'm nonexistent to you
I'm nonexistent in your eyes
Your words are all I cling to
My world means nothing in your life
If my nonexistence pleases you
I'll love you from the shadows of your mind
I like the way this is written but feel that it will take a special vox to be able to sing ‘nonexistent’ with any feeling. I look forward to hearing how you pull it off. “shadows of your mind” is a huge turnoff for me but that’s just a personal thing.
Verse 2
I can't deny what you want
You can't pretend you ever cared
I know that you do not love me
and that's a curse hotter than Hell
Beyond my crazy thoughts of you
Born of a hurt that's far too real
I bear the shame of loving you
I crawl and beg for what you sell
I like this verse but am not fond of how you say what you say. The last line, in particular, needs to be changed in my opinion. The verse just doesn’t grab me like the first verse did.
You certainly nailed the concept of Emptiness with this song and that IS what the challenge was about. Nice work.
(repeat chorus)
Bridge
I'm far too gone I'll never hold you
I'm far too hurt to ever have you
If love is one too many ways to die
Why do I cry for you
emptiness ~ louisv
I've been walking
on a road so empty
no one drivin'
sidewalks lonely
Road or sidewalk? I like the introduction of ‘empty’ right away in this tune.
tell me brother
how is mom doing
our loving mother
is she farm shopping
yeah what' up with dad
he remembers me?
glad he's not mad
at me..
As I read this the meter is difficult for me to follow. That may or may not make it difficult to sing depending on your musical treatment of this tune. It will be interesting to hear.
and how about my big brother
he taught me everything
is he still a lawyer
just like i still sing
I love the contrast between these professions and how you handle it succinctly. These two lines speak tomes.
and hey what's up with you
is your cat alright
what you got two?
now thats not right
The introduction of a bit of humor in a song about emptiness is a pleasant touch.
haha yeah i'm comming back
just to take some rest
but when i came back
home was an empty nest
Be careful to keep the same verb tense throughout. This is an interesting approach to the subject of Emptiness. The song seems very personal. Is it based on a part of your life? Writing “what you know’ as they always tell us is a sword with two edges. It is easier to write but sometimes the authors are the only ones who can fully comprehend their work.
Emptiness ~ upfiddler
I never critique my own tunes. I come to you guys for that work. To date, I have never been let down in that respect. For that I owe each of you a huge debt of gratitude over the years. Please remember to be honest. “I love this song” or “I hate this song” doesn’t really help me grow as a writer. I have big shoulders…..tell me what needs to be changed. Thanks in advance, Dave.
When I seek I always find
Loneliness and me entwined.
Each passing hour does remind
Me of this Emptiness.
All alone
Yet I’m surrounded.
The gates of hell
Have clearly sounded.
A time to reap
And time to sow.
The meter clangs
It’s time to go.
If I could simply find a friend
And not another passing trend.
I’d take their hand and we’d ascend
From this Emptiness.
All alone
Yet I’m surrounded.
The gates of hell
Have clearly sounded.
A time to reap
And time to sow.
The meter clangs
It’s time to go.
So I slip back to my room
Wishing life could now resume.
Perhaps exchange this Baby Boom
For some dark Emptiness?
All alone
Yet I’m surrounded.
The gates of hell
Have clearly sounded.
A time to reap
And time to sow.
The meter clangs
It’s time to go.
emptiness ~ gecko zzed
in a chest I kept my thoughts
safely under lock and key
when I opened up that box
there was nothing there
just emptiness
nothing left
for me
The verse sets up a feeling that you are completely bereft. Even your thoughts are gone. Nice touch. I like ‘trunk’ as opposed to ‘chest’….no sibilance and more emphasis. Just me though.
all my words had turned to dust
crumbled stories never told
I turned the casket upside down
and hoped for something left
no emptiness
nothing there
for me
OK. Now I am officially in a full state of depression. Oh yeah, now I remember. That’s the point. The idea that your words, and their related images, have been dead and buried for a long time is an interesting one to me. I don’t know if I like it but I appreciate the cleverness behind the verse.
I cannot find any words
left alive to tell the tale
I will have to start anew
This time I will not fail
I think that there are enough rhymes for ”ale/ail” that you could rewrite the last line without losing the tone of the song or changing the rhyme scheme.
I walk along an empty street
waiting inspiration's call
my feet kept up a steady beat
but there's nothing there
just emptiness
nothing there
at all
I absolutely love the way you use ‘feet’ and their movement in your songs. I see it as a repeated theme in your music. Were I a psychotherapist I might get all wierded out by that. (But I’m not!)
yellow dress ~ nzausrec
You're my girl
and forever will be mine
the sweetest apple on the trees
in any orchard
in any valley
Forever will be mine
forever will be mine
Born from your mother's pain
so proud so free
to watch you appear that day
Now without you I cry
A pretty meadow, a little stream
butterflies flying
a yellow dress
that flutters in the leaves
This (above) is by far the strongest stanza. Have you considered making it a chorus and repeating it? Just a thought.
There's a little girl in your hands
Lord, a little girl in the palm of your hands
and you watch over her
and you look out for her
and you make a little place
where the good things are
and you watch over her
and you look out for her
and you make a little place
and I'll be with her once more
This tune seems very upbeat to me to fully represent the concept of Emptiness. I get the death of a young child who has gone to Heaven. That certainly sets the stage for Emptiness. I just don’t get a deep sense of grief and mourning over her loss. This tune, as I reread it a third time, is well crafted in my opinion. Your sense of loss is heightened by the way you reminisce over your wonderful times together. I hope that this is a fictional work. If not, then please accept my condolences. Finely written.
