"if i go" - original...critique?

[JeffVyain]

i just re-recorded this song for the past 2 hours...i may have showed the board this about 9 months ago but it was recorded in mono and just under 2 minutes long. i lengthened it by a minute and added a couple instruments and did some stereo. feel free to critique the song or the mix...i'm new at this...any pointers to improve upon this particular song/mix or just anything i make in general would be greatly appreciated

http://www.nowhereradio.com/artists/album.php?aid=4018&alid=-1

once you're on that page (i can't direct link) just click one of the options to the right of "if i go"...you can play it through windows media or just download it with the down arrow

 

[g0dmoney]

needs more lyrics imo, and the harmonica on the very end needs to be cut. it's got a cool vibe, but i'd probably do something to make it more interesting in the rhythm section... the quality is a little poor, but i think it accents the mood of the song to a degree. i'd simplify some of the leads perhaps? it's your song, but it's pretty good. nice and depressing.. more lyrics for sure.

 

[JeffVyain]

thanks. i appreciate your input. i'll be the first to admit i have no idea how to play the harmonica

 

[azraelswings]

I liked it, couldn't hear the vox too well, though. Sounds kinda lo-fi. Or at least, it sounds like what I think when I hear the phrase "lo-fi." Cool stuff.

 

[question444]

I think you did a really good job with the recording. Your timing is dead on with all instruments. Everything is in pitch perfect. Being a songwriter/vocalist there are some things I don't like in your song structure...particularly the constant 3syllable/gap/3syllable/gap style. I don't think that is necessarily bad, just overdone. Also, the song doesn't really go anywhere from where it begins, at least not via melody. It does progress in instrumentation, which I think you should use for later drama, in seperate sections as the song moves along---sections seperated by different melodies/chords. The dense vocal harmony halfway through is a good effect, is it all you? I'm sure people would like your stuff. Keep it up... -P

 

[JeffVyain]

thanks again for the input. yea, it certainly isn't the most venturesome song vocally, but that has mostly to do with the fact that i'm not much of a singer. i've written other stuff that moves around a lot more, and i won't post it because i get out of tune so much. so...yea i'm still working on that. but yea...it's all me...just uhh one of those "dormroom recordings" except i don't live in the dorms, but you get the point basically, i wanna be a producer, and i was just working on making a good mix and writing some decent instrumental parts (not counting the harmonica, because i really don't know how to play it). the songwriting part of me definitely has a lot of room to grow. not that my recording ability doesn't, but it's held back a bit more by the fact that i own one microphone and i have terrible software.
do you feel like songwriting becomes easier when you're with a band? i actually got to play around in RCA studio B in nashville last week with some guys i had never met (kinda a weird situation), but we came up with some really interesting stuff together, and really the thing that i noticed is the wheels in my head were just spinning so much faster...it seemed so much easier.

 

[Tifstorey]

I liked it very much, the only thing i would say could do with a bit more work is the solo acoustic picking at around a minute going into it. Being panned to the far right doesnt work in my opinion, just seems to be a little strange and out of place. Apart from that it was a nice tight recording. Good job!

 

[cliff richard]

i quite liked it, i guess its all a matter of flavour. i didnt mind that the lyrics were quite sparse as this adds to the feel of the song. however some bits did feel a bit empty but my first thought was get a classical guitar or something and add some gentle solo stuff at the beginning and maybe some of the gaps. by the way were u the dude (i could be wrong) who had that song with a line in it something like "can u tell me what makes a heart". if so can u stick that back on so i can listen to it.

 

[JeffVyain]

hmm i had a song called "a day apart" that had somewhat similar lyrics. here they are:

can you tell me how a day goes on without the sun?
can you tell me how my life's supposed to be now that your gone?
can you tell me how to feel when i roll over and you're not there?
cuz i'm feelin pretty low, so can you tell me not to care?
i'm already fallin apart and it's only been a day
and your pictures break my heart but i can't throw them away
and tears roll down my cheeks, and i've lost my sense of time
and the hours roll by like days ever since you became not mine

if i'd loved you any more, do you think you would've came?
i was scared to death to tell you but i felt it just the same
you walked into my life but you ran into my heart
and i'll never tell you right but i hope this is a start
your lips--they take my breath, your eyes--they steal my soul
and before you left, your love--it made me whole
and tears roll down my cheeks, and i'm falling out of line
and i'm longing for the day that you can become mine



hope that's what you were looking for. i'll put the song on later today

 

[JeffVyain]

i updated that song (a day apart). you can use the above link to check it out.

 

[tremblayj]

I love the song. Its got a very damien rice type sound to it. I listened to your others and was wondering what you use to get that guitar sound. what is your setup? not too crazy about the harmonica but other than that it is a well put together song.

 

[JeffVyain]

yea nobody seems to like the harmonica...i suppose that's fine. i just have it in front of me, and it's tough not to try...

as far as the sound goes, it's different in every song. in "a day apart" i stole my buddy's alvarez for a while, recorded left channel with a shitty small diaphragm condensor, and the right channel is plugged in. the "solo guitar" i suppose, is using my takamine with the little condensor.
takamine with the condensor probably around the soundhole on "ladybug"...recorded in mono...i really just wanted something with a lot of variation in the dynamics there.
and on "if i go" i'm using my takamine again, and again with the small condensor, recorded twice, once on left, once on right...to thicken it up and make a little contrast, and just to see what happens.

i'm pretty limited as far as my recording in my room goes. i have one mic stand and one xlr cable, one half inch cable, and 2 shitty microphones. it'll improve as the money situation improves drastically over the summer. i'm an athlete in college, and it's just about impossible to work during the school year.

 

[cliff richard]

cheers jeff, that was the song i was thinking of. its quite weird that i can actually recall it having only heard it a couple of times when you posted it ages ago, but the melody got lodged somewhere in my mind and i actually found myself humming it one day about a month later. there is a really nice honest quality in the song that draws you in. please keep up the good work.

 

[Garry Sharp]

Listening to If I Go. Pretty decent job. I don't think it's too bare at all - I like minimalist stuff. However the production on the lead vox is letting you down - it's too set back, doesn't sit in the centre so that the main acoustic part dominates too much and becomes tedious.

Lovely harmonies - i agree also with all question 444's points.