i just don't know about this song...

  • Thread starter Thread starter cello_pudding
  • Start date Start date
C

cello_pudding

Well-known member
i'm thinking i want to just change the verse lyrics and melody...but i want to know what people's first reaction is.

they just don't connect...even if you know what the song is about...

it's about a christians response to horus and jesus being a very similar story...sorta my struggle and resolve of it.

www.myspace.com/johnmarkh

its called three words

-------
who's come
who's come before us
its just like jesus's horus
its the same story
all we do is change the name
point a finger, place the blame

in my time of needing
i find these words repeating
through my mind and mouth
what came as a doubt and now
i don't know
i don't know
i don't know

from man's image form
to what we think
and to what we expect
and still yet he
still yet he we scorn
and we turn suspect.

in my time of needing
i find these words repeating
through my mind and mouth
what came as a doubt and now
i need you
i need you
i need you
 
Last edited:
Good Friend said:
youve got balls
Click to expand...

I see that your location is 'assland'. When there is nothing constructive to say perhaps you should stay there. :(
 
cello_pudding said:
in my time of needing
i find these words repeating
through my mind and mouth
what came as a doubt and now
i don't know
i don't know
i don't know

from man's image form
to what we'd expect
and still yet he we scorn
and turn to suspect.

in my time of needing
i find these words repeating
through my mind and mouth
what came as a doubt and now
i need you
i need you
i need you
Click to expand...

I genuinely like this. I am a huge fan of repeated and powerful messages in the chorus. However, the first verse reads rough to me. The message is fine but the lyric seems forced. Perhaps try reworking the rhyme scheme. jmho Good luck with the song. ;)
 
i wrote it out again...the lyrics posted i noticed were close..but not really at all.

i had thought about changing that first verse to make a little more sense. thanks.

sorta just ignore good friend. that's what i do
 
Cello Pudding - I always like the originality in your songs. Your playing on this one is superb.

I am in agreement with UpFiddler.... I think the chorus is very good and needs little to no changes....

The melody in the verse is okay, but I think it needs to align more with the fabulous chords you're playing.

I don't know what I would do exactly but it's just picking a different note maybe the strong note in the chord. This is hard to explain.... :o

But it is only a suggestion and my opinion. It is good already, and just something that came to mind while listening. Let us know by posting anything you change.....

:D :) :D :)
 
Good song! My subjective impression/interpretaion of the song was of your honest, vulnerable and sincere reaction to something that has shaken your faith.
I could feel intensity in your vocal delivery (at least that was how I felt when listening to it). There are some disonent notes in the verses over the chords (I like the chords ~ they convey tension to me).
The choruses are strong in the way the notes ride on the chords.
It could be interesting to do what ido1957 suggested to see how the 'strong note in the chord' sound in comparison to the current melody over the verses.
To me the first verse and chorus convey doubt about what you have believed (but I'm not sure what is meant by 'place the blame' although it rhymes with the previous line).
The second verse to me conveyed a suspicion of who He is.
To me the final chorus is like Peter's reaction to Jesus when the majority of His followers deserted and Jesus asked, "will you leave too?" and Peter said, "Where will we go? You have the words of eternal life." Trusting until a resolution comes.
Of course, I might be way off your intended meaning but I guess thats the thing with a listener interpreting through their own life filter.
Your song hit me (musically and lyrically) and got me thinking ~ and to me thats when music and art is alive.
My limited reading/knowledge on the subject leaves me with the impression that the incarnation/virgin birth of God is an ancient concept from very early in history of civilisation. The ancient Persian Zoroastrians held similar ideas too. Some interpretations conect it to the Genesis story of the fall of mankind and that the incarnation would redeem the human race, and that this idea filtered through various cultures from the middle east (cradle of civilisation) but thats a big topic on its own...
 
lyrics

I hear Charles Darwin was a great lyricist.
 
Good Friend said:
I hear Charles Darwin was a great lyricist.
Click to expand...


i like charles darwin. evolution is great. i believe it exists. it doesn't bother me.

now stop attempting to troll
 
I really like your style man, and your voice is great --- very unique and emotive.

I like the melodies in this tune more than the lyrics. The lyrics aren't bad by any means, but they just don't really grab me personally much. Of course, others in this thread have mentioned how they have moved them, so obviously it's just a matter of opinion.

Great guitar playing as usual, and interesting harmonies.

Good work.
 
I couldn't get any sound from your playback so I can't comment about melodic/harmonic issues.
From reading the lyric I can only say that I don't get it.
The references are a bit obscure and whenever I encounter obscure references I think that the writer is trying to be "profound" or "smarter than you"
If it were me I would consider a re-write with emphasis on "who-what-when-where-why in an effort to make the meaning more accessible to the audience.
IOW....just come out and say what you mean.
IMHO


chazba
 
yeah...i still haven't come up with anything i like for the lyrics and melody for that verse. when i play gcd or just mess around i can make up simple melodies...but this progression is a little different.

the audience would sorta need some knowledge about things before analyzing. any intelligent christian or intelligent atheist would probably know horus. i think i need to use more visual words. sometimes if people can put a visual with words that don't make sense, it still works for them.


like...joanna newsom's lyrics

And gabriel stands beneath forest and moon
See them rattle and boo, and see them shake, and see them loom
See him fashion a cap from a page of camus
And see him navigate deftly this side of the blue

i love the line "fashion a cap from a page of camus" who is a philospher that emphasized absurdity of life. so this person feels like they're wandering in a dark forest and thinking about camus, and it seems like he's not making any progress out of the forest, this side of blue, of depression.

Svetlana sucks lemons across from me
And i am progressing abominably
And i do not know my own way to the sea
But the saltiest sea knows its own way to me


and here we have a person just not doing well, and a girl that is cheery, sucking a lemon. she doesn't know how they relate or connect, there's a disconnect because each is living such a different perspective. but she does know that death will find both of them. the saltiest sea in the world is the dead sea, which no fish/animal can live in.

these lyrics do require some knowledge....camus...the dead sea, but people that don't even know these things still can connect with it.

amazing song. one AMAZING songwriter. definitely breaks the mold
 
i just found a melody for a different song that i've been racking my brain over.

i took the riff and chords i was playing and played the simplest versions of them, and then started singing nonesense until i got something that was decent.

i think i'm going to do this method for the other song too.

so if you're having trouble with difficult music and melody...simplify it and find the melody, and then put it back with the original music
 
Note that the examples you just posted are essentially "who-where-what-when-why..... Lyrics constructed that way ,even though they might contain obscure references , are easily visualized. Give it a try. See what happens.


chazba
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top