Feedback on lyrics..

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brettbuc

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Hi all! This song has a Coldplay feel to it with piano, acoustic guitar, and some strings. It's a song about redemption and the pain and regret felt after a season of straying from faith. Could also double as going back to a lost love. The music makes all the difference, but I'm not close to recording it yet. Just want to get a feel for how the lyrics come across in written form and make adjustments before recording. Thanks! :guitar:

New Years Day:

Take my hand and I’ll hold yours
I’ll kick down these rust stained doors
Together we’ll be
Forever you’ll see

My heart is sinking like a
Stone that pulls me straight down.

Fill my heart with what fills yours
Light my way to endless shores
Beyond this sea; eternity

Marching on to new years day
I’ll take back the words I say
And start again
My long lost friend

My heart is sinking like a
Stone that pulls me straight down
Straight down
 
Really hard to tell without the music. I myself don't really judge lyrics without the music to go with them (unless they're promoting an immoral message) because as you said, the music makes all the difference. I would say maybe get a ruff version of it down and then let us hear. :)
 
Yep, I have a friend who writes a lot of lyrics and soforth but never gets around to producing most of them. Most of the time the lyrics are clever, pretty bold, and have eye rhyme but without listening to the rhyme schemes and so on, it really is hard to tell. Looks to me like you have something good going on here, looking forward to seeing you develop this further.
 
RJMJ87 said:
Really hard to tell without the music. I myself don't really judge lyrics without the music to go with them (unless they're promoting an immoral message) because as you said, the music makes all the difference. I would say maybe get a ruff version of it down and then let us hear. :)
Click to expand...

agreed. you can take a song with 10 lyrics and turn it into a hit or have the most poetic intricate lyrics made, but have it be the worst song ever.

but it looks ok
 
I think you did a nice job. The words and phrasing are simple but still nice. Is the song from a personal experience or is it fictional? Good luck and keep writing.
 
Not a bad start.
You do need to do a few things & think about words that can communicate religious ecstacy as well as agony.
You could probably sell this with a good melody & soaring voice but the words won't connect beyond the catch phrase aspect.
I'll be direct if I may?

New Years Day: (change that)

Take my hand and I’ll hold yours Part 1 Chorus?
I’ll kick down these rust stained doors
Together we’ll be
Forever you’ll see

That's not bad - a bit cliched but so are most lyrics. Why not we'll rather than I'll?

My heart is sinking like a Stone Part 2 Verse?
that pulls me straight down.
There's no rhyme at all - not any of the 8 main families anyway. You also contradict the previous stanza without setting up a time frame/sense on tense to let us know this is the back story.

Fill my heart with what fills yours
Light my way to endless shores
Beyond this sea; eternity

Endless shores can't be beyond the sea because they are where sea & land meet. How is endless land mass a heart filling experience - if you're usinf sea as a metaphore for life that's fine but then the shore thing confuses that as well.

Marching on to new years day
I’ll take back the words I say
And start again
My long lost friend

NYD and taking back your words - how do they go together - which words- why?
Why NYD (oh, get a better title too - that one's been overdone)
How is the friend you're travelling to eternity come to be long lost - the tense thing, the continuity of your back story!!! agen & frenD is pretty clunky but is an acceptable non perfect rhyme

My heart is sinking like a
Stone that pulls me straight down
Straight down

Again the rhyme isn't there - even with Stone on the end of line one you only have a very very precarious soft n in common. A stone wouldn't pull you down - a boulder maybe. Get the relative size, powere, effect of your key words sorted. Your heart can sink like a stone but the stone won't pull you down. the heart & attached heart strings might drag you down but you need to step up you vocab, select the words you want for emphasis, the words you want to sell the line and develop them

The redemption isn't apparent, the pain isn't either.
I'd suggest resequencing the verses and reworking the chorus with some decent rhymes.
get some sense of tense - maybe with the 1st parts are the present moving into future and the 2nds are references to the past.
 
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