February Challenge!

  • Thread starter Thread starter up-fiddler
  • Start date Start date
sorry, off topic again, but this is now three yoopers in one topic!

Calumet representin!
 
opposite of a troll :)

nah, someone who lives in Upper Michigan
 
up-fiddler said:
..... an honest stone of critique. I also look forward to getting some of the same back.

Nicole- I have written TWO songs in the last week and I am trying to decide which one to submit. One is commercial the other runs to the darker side. I will decide and have it online for all involved by tomorrow.
Click to expand...

that's great. i like dark stuff myself. but hopefully i'll be fairly objective regardless of which one you submit :)
 
OK Here's my entry...

I choose the dark song on the advise of Nicole. :rolleyes: Most people know me for my 'commercial' ballads etc. I also write some of this kind of stuff. I usually don't play out with it though because it depresses the folks who pay the bills.:( Someday I will have to put them all on an album somewhere. Too many other projects are in the way for now. Here it is and thanks to all who join in the fun. Tomorrow morning I will put all the entries together for easier reading and we can start to lend our insights and perceptions to the various authors.

Brenda's Child
c.Dave Morehouse 2008

Brenda had a baby boy back in ’93.
He simply was the cutest thing that you’d ever see.
He crawled around the living room just like you or me
And he would cry, cry, cry. He would cry

Brenda was a single mom she had to work all night
She always worked the graveyard shift but now it don’t seem right.
She couldn’t watch her boy grow up, out of mind and out of sight.
It made her cry, cry, cry. Made her cry.

In school he sat all by himself, alone with all his friends.
They always picked him for the team. (Right at the very end.)
They should have felt catastrophe just hidin’ ‘round the bend.
Then they would cry, cry, cry. They would cry.

(Bridge)
He found when he went home to play
He didn’t need a team.
He fired his Atari up
And fell in to his dream.
He’d jerk the joystick back and forth
He’d holler, scream, and hoot.
But in the end what he learned best
Was how to point and shoot……..

Slide along the campus wall it’s time for us to go.
All God’s children falling fast, reaping what they’ve sown.
The neighbors see him on the news, say, ”My how he has grown.”
And it makes us cry, cry, cry.
And it makes us cry, cry, cry.
Makes us cry.
 
Slight revision...

Looks like the edit function doesn't work after 24 hours. I revised my lyrics, adding/taking out the odd word here and there so they flow a little better when you read them. There's alway a possibility of revisions once I get working on the melody. Here's the revised version...

************
Leading Me On
************
© Gerry Steele 2008

I found a picture of you and me from way back when
And all those memories played on my mind again
I was over my head when I laid eyes on you
Didn’t see your intentions was too easily fooled

You could have had anyone because you looked so fine
You said “Be my man” and I went out of my mind
All you told me were lies but it was real to me
I tried to win your heart it was not meant to be

You’re were leading me on.....
You took everything
That you wanted from me
Then you were gone.....
You treated me cruel
And I’d be a fool
To still want you.....

You only wanted someone who wouldn’t break your heart
And didn’t want what we had to ever get that far
I was so good for you, you liked the part I played
And you just wanted me there to keep the others away

Yeah it was all a disguise you never cared for me
It whispered more than friends when that was all it could be
When you were done with me could have told me yourself
I had to hear the words from somebody else

You’re were leading me on.....
You took everything
That you wanted from me
Then you were gone.....
You treated me so cruel
And I’d be a fool
To still want you.....

(Bridge)
It was our first kiss (and) it was our last night
Before you broke my heart you know it felt so right
I’m never over you but I still pretend
I’m gonna love you, love you, love you - Baby ‘til the end

(Break)

It was our first kiss (and) it was our last night
Before you broke my heart you know it felt so right
Give me half a chance I’d do it all again
I’m gonna love you, love you, love you - Baby ‘til the end

You’re were leading me on.....
You took everything
That you wanted from me
Then you were gone......
You treated me so cruel
I guess I'm just a fool
To still want you

:):D:):D

________________
My Songs are here
 
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I'm sorry I couldnt make it. Since I come up with melody/lyrics at the same time I was unable to write the verses so far until I have a melody that works with the Pre and Chorus. So for what its worth;

Pre Chorus
So put our your cigarrete,
the smoke will blow right o'er your death
and when it all comes crashing down
you'll swim, you'll sink and then you'll drown

Chorus
Cause you lost your soul back in '64
far away in a jungle war
Oh look at what theyve done to you
you'll just have to make it through


Mike

V2
 
Nightfire said:
I'm sorry I couldnt make it. Since I come up with melody/lyrics at the same time I was unable to write the verses so far until I have a melody that works with the Pre and Chorus. So for what its worth;

Pre Chorus
So put our your cigarrete,
the smoke will blow right o'er your death
and when it all comes crashing down
you'll swim, you'll sink and then you'll drown

Chorus
Cause you lost your soul back in '64
far away in a jungle war
Oh look at what theyve done to you
you'll just have to make it through


Mike

V2
Click to expand...

I don't know about the rest of the folks here but as far as I am concerned you are in. Perhaps the lyrics will develop as we go through this process.

If it is helpful, when I write lyrics without a melody I try to keep the syllable counts for each line the same or nearly the same. I find that is even more important than the rhyme scheme. The rhyming seems easy enough once the story is written. The melody comes easy enough if the syllable counts are the same or in some equal pattern. Just a thought to help you get one out before midnite.;)
 
up-fiddler said:
I don't know about the rest of the folks here but as far as I am concerned you are in. Perhaps the lyrics will develop as we go through this process.

If it is helpful, when I write lyrics without a melody I try to keep the syllable counts for each line the same or nearly the same. I find that is even more important than the rhyme scheme. The rhyming seems easy enough once the story is written. The melody comes easy enough if the syllable counts are the same or in some equal pattern. Just a thought to help you get one out before midnite.;)
Click to expand...

i also often try to keep the syllables the same. BUT, a really good melodist, can take different syllable lines and melodize them into a very good song. BUT, the next verse has to be written the same way, however it was that you wrote it.
 
up-fiddler

I know I suggested that you offer the first honest critique - but I simply have to say "Brenda's Child" is really good! (more specific comments when it is my turn).
 
I wish I saw this thread earlier, although I do happen to be working on a new song. I'll try and wrap it up tonight when I get home from work. Cool idea.
 
OK here we go.

Working title is: All Is Not Lost





a strangling hold
on the necks of our saints
abandoning hope
and damning restraint
we keep on wishing we were
all the things that we ain't
and still we keep fighting
for lies we create.

It's plain that this pain will not end
(but all is not lost)
I'll play this game to the end
(no matter the cost)
On the day when the sun shines again
(and burns off the frost)
I'll bury this demon within
(end my holocaust)

This naked aggression
ANd this wanton destruction
are bound to collide
in a violent eruption
a coerced confession
of shady constructions
I'm pulling the trigger
you're pushing the button

It's plain that this pain will not end
(but all is not lost)
I'll play this game to the end
(no matter the cost)
On the day when the sun shines again
(and burns off the frost)
I'll bury this demon within
(end my holocaust)

We keep on believing despite the deceiving
but it's hard to digest all this shit we've been eating
There's still hope for peace and redemption and healing
If we break off these chains and tear through the ceiling

I'm holding on
(hold on through the night)
I look to the dawn
(the morning light)
I hope I stay strong
(to finish this fight)
We've got one last chance
(at getting it right)


all is not lost

all is not lost

all is not lost

all is not lost...............
 
maybe we should do this challenge every month.
 
up-fiddler said:
I was thinking of one already but would be very open to giving someone else a whirl at it and joining in the fun.
Click to expand...

of course. anyone can join the challenges i'd say. the more the merrier. it's kind of like attending a songwriters convention. :)
 
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