Elegy

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Kujo

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Okay, I'm pretty new to songwriting in general...especially where lyrics are concerned, so I'll be needing all the constructive criticism I can get here lol

In 2007, I lost a friend to the war in Afghanistan. He was killed in a roadside bombing, six weeks shy of the end of his tour. He was a good friend to a lot of people, and was very well known in my hometown. This tragedy has changed a lot within me, and I have found myself writing a lot of war and political-related blurbs here and there.

I decided that I wanted to write a song that would be somewhat directed toward my friend in general, as sort of a "goodbye" song. But I'm not quite happy with what I've written of it. I'll sit for a long time staring at the lyrics, attempting to see where I can revise it...but I've hit a bit of a block.
I like the lyrics, but I'm afraid they come off a bit 'corney' sounding. Thus is why I post them here. Let me know what you think. Thanks

"Elegy" - By Shawn Van Roosmalen

Watch another sun rise;
but I just can't relate.
'cuz Im cold still inside.
Can't get past all my hate.
And I'm not alright...
No I'm not alright...

And it's the wrong time
to feel sorry for ourselves.
But is there a right time?
To wonder whats going wrong in this world.
Theres something still wrong with this world.

Lead me in where it's dry;
'cuz the rain's beating down.
And I don't want to cry;
about this anymore.
'cuz it's not alright...
No it's not alright...

And it's the wrong time
to feel sorry for ourselves.
But is there a right time?
To wonder whats going wrong in this world.
Theres something still wrong with this world.

Hello friend, its just me.
And I just wanted to say;
that you're still missed dearly.
Each and every day.
But we'll be alright...
Yeah we'll be alright...

And it's the wrong time
to feel sorry for ourselves.
But is there a right time?
To wonder whats going wrong in this world.
Theres something still wrong with this world.
 
I was pleased to hear you say that you were "not quite happy" with what you've written, because that is a sign of an open and inquiring mind. In the past I've written songs, and thought that they were great, which meant my mind was closed to alternatives. Later I realised that they were pretty ordinary, and that I could have done with some help!


In your lyrics, there is a brilliant little set of lines, i.e.: "And it's the wrong time/to feel sorry for ourselves./But is there a right time?" If the rest of your lyrics reflected this levle of concise sharpness, it would be a winner.

But there is a little way to go yet. You observed yourself that they seemed a bit "corny", and the reason is that, though you have captured the sense of "goodbye" well, there is a fair smattering of commonly used phrases and images within the lyrics. I wonder, for example, whether you can find alternatives to "something wrong in the world", "can't get past all my hate", or "I don't want to cry about this anymore".

If you have read any of my comments on other sets of lyrics, you will have found me saying that I prefer the subtle to the obvious; the covert to the overt. Instead of saying "watch another sun rise", which is a general alternative way of saying "the days go on and on" or "time goes by", I would be searching for a non-general, specific image to describe this, e.g. "dawn's pink shadows shrink and grow" (which is a bit flowery for the tale you're narrating, but I hope it plants the seed of options).

I would be scavenging vigorously for an alternative to "whats going wrong in this world." A friend of mind wrote a song using a similar idea, and his hook was "it's a fucked up world", which is just about as brutal and as pointed as you can get. But I expect there is something a bit more subtle than that sitting in your brain.

This set of lines needs another look: "Hello friend, its just me./And I just wanted to say;/that you're still missed dearly." That poignant first line is awesome. The last line spoils it all by shifting into the passive voice: "you're still missed dearly" . . . by whom? Who misses you dearly? Well, lots of people might, but this song is about the feelings of "I", the narrator. So why not say "I still miss you dearly", shifting it back into the active voice and making it much sharper. Better still, why not simply say "I still miss you" or even just "I miss you"?

Notwithstanding my observations above, I think this is a very fine effort, and, given the right musical vehicle for it, would make a great song just as it is.

But I would like to see what you could come up with if you went through the song, thought by thought, and played around with alternative ways of phrasing those thoughts.
 
Kujo said:
Watch another sun rise;
but I just can't relate.
'cuz Im cold still inside.
Can't get past all my hate.
And I'm not alright...
No I'm not alright...

And it's the wrong time
to feel sorry for ourselves.
But is there a right time?
To wonder whats going wrong in this world.
Theres something still wrong with this world.
Click to expand...

I'm actually a huge fan of this much. Corney aside, it expresses great feeling and power to me in spite of the cliche' in the last two lines of the chorus. I just feel like the song stops here and the storyline runs dry. Perhaps think of where you want the story to end and then try to write everything in between without thought to rhyme or sentence structure. Once you have a great tale it is an easier matter to rewrite the syllable count and rhyme scheme. Just a thought..........Nice effort.;)
 
My condolences for you loss! Often pain can create fine art.

You have two phrases which I think are very good: "It's the wrong time to feel sorry...but is there a right time" - which is a profound observation & "Lead me in where it's dry, cuz the rain in beating down" - which provides a stunning visual.

I do think the "what' wrong with this world" refrain is a litlle cliche' - but also an honest statement. I also think the "Hello friend...." verse is a little week (but still a nice,honest concept)

As an honest eulogy,these appear to he heartfelt lyrics - and if you went with what you have, it would be a nice tribute (something I'm sure your friend, his family and his friends would truly appreciate).

If you are indeed motivated to make this a better song.......then you should strive to find a different more original way to state things such as "what's wrong with this world" and "hello friend....you're missed...every day"
 
Thank you for the wonderful comments!! :D
To be brutally honest, I would never have thought my lyrics (even in part) as "brilliant" or "profound" ;)

I'm pleased that the consensus of the "Hello friend" verse needs work.
That's actually the exact verse that I found to be the corniest lol.

When I wrote the chorus, it actually started when the words: "I wonder whats going wrong in this world. There's something still wrong with this world." And I sort of pieced together the first three lines, basing it on the theme of the song. However, I felt it didn't fit quite "right". But I knew I wanted to keep the "Something wrong with this world" (not having put thought to the cliche of it).

To me, its the most powerful hook of the song, because although my friend is gone, it signifies that the war still goes on today. And it lends to question why we (as a country) are there...and why we (as humans) still fight. It think it popped into my head because the whole thing made me shake my head at the world, partly in disbelief and in anger.

I will definitely heed your advice Gecko, and see where I might make revisions to make some things a tad more subtle. Although my reason for the song is one thing, I also want it to appeal to a broader audience who might relate it to something in their own lives.

Up-fiddler, your comment is pretty much bang-on to some of what I felt was wrong with the song. Seems too 'cut-short'.

I have a lot of work to do, LoL. ;)
I'll get back with some revisions ASAP.
 
There is no harm in 'corny'. You could even 'ham' it up a bit. Add a little 'schmaltz'. Heck, layer in the steel guitar and add a little drawl. You could be on the verge of something you may not have considered of before.
 
I think you've got some great lyrics here, with some work as mentioned above.

You have two thoughts here:
1) something wrong with the world
2) missing your friend

I would like to see the two thoughts more directly addressed - more to the point. Like tie the world's problem (which needs more clarification) to the loss of your friend (i.e. the world's situation has caused the loss). I guess I need more background / info on the situation, maybe I need more story...

Just take note too - it doesn't have to get more specific - that's just me and my personal preference....so take it with a grain of salt....
 
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