Bash my lyrics please!

Violent5

Violent5

New member
http://www.soundclick.com/bands/pagemusic.cfm?bandID=569528

The song is "Over The Moon". I wrote it for my sister-in law who recently lost a friend. I'm trying to get better at lyric/songwriting so all comments are welcome. Any opinions out there?


OVER THE MOON

Do you remember back in high school…ohh… when we were young
All the things we said we’d do that we’ve done
My hearts calm and cool, collected…ohh…and now I’m one…I belong

We’ll all be together again…oh yeah..
We’ll all be together again…oh yeah..
We’ll all be together again…oh yeah..
Over the moon…me and you

Life will always be a circus…ohh…let your heart go
Let it bleed the love of angels, feel alive
Love to live and live to love…ohh… now don’t you cry…we’re alright

We’ll all be together again…oh yeah..
We’ll all be together again…oh yeah..
We’ll all be together again…oh yeah..
Over the moon…me and you

The wheels go round and round in circles…ohh.. my soul salutes
Every moment touches another me and you
I guess I’ll just sit and wait..ohh…or fly away…over the moon

We’ll all be together again…oh yeah..
We’ll all be together again…oh yeah..
We’ll all be together again…oh yeah..
Over the moon…me and you




Thanks Violent5
 
Last edited:
Just wanted to pick out 3 things.

1. The phrase 'Over the moon' seems a little tacked on. I'm not understanding exactly what its purpose is. It fits lyrically, but not logically so much.

2. The rhyme scheme is really confusing for the second and third stanza. Lyrically it doesn't fit, since the first stanza does kind of rhyme, but it doesn't necessarily have to if you can make it sound decent in the song.

3. I agree with theTrickster on the line 'every moment touches another me and you'.

The rest is nicely written.
 
Violent5 said:
http://www.soundclick.com/bands/pagemusic.cfm?bandID=569528

The song is "Over The Moon". I wrote it for my sister-in law who recently lost a friend. I'm trying to get better at lyric/songwriting so all comments are welcome. Any opinions out there?


OVER THE MOON

Do you remember back in high school…ohh… when we were young
All the things we said we’d do that we’ve done
My hearts calm and cool, collected…ohh…and now I’m one…I belong

We’ll all be together again…oh yeah..
We’ll all be together again…oh yeah..
We’ll all be together again…oh yeah..
Over the moon…me and you

Life will always be a circus…ohh…let your heart go
Let it bleed the love of angels, feel alive
Love to live and live to love…ohh… now don’t you cry…we’re alright

We’ll all be together again…oh yeah..
We’ll all be together again…oh yeah..
We’ll all be together again…oh yeah..
Over the moon…me and you

The wheels go round and round in circles…ohh.. my soul salutes
Every moment touches another me and you
I guess I’ll just sit and wait..ohh…or fly away…over the moon

We’ll all be together again…oh yeah..
We’ll all be together again…oh yeah..
We’ll all be together again…oh yeah..
Over the moon…me and you




Thanks Violent5
Click to expand...

Line 2: Too much "we" goin on

1st line of 2nd verse: (totally personal preference, goes along with my entire writing style) I don't like mixing-theme-simile/metaphors. "over the moon" gives me a spacey feel, i picture perfect stillness and sound free, the ultimate calm. With the circus comparison of life, it takes me out of the mood the song creates.

When i create themes in my lyrics i try to stick with the themes when i use similes and metaphors.

Sorry if im running into my own little world here and it makes no sense, but,
FOR EXAMPLE, my first verse of "A Girl I Know"

Let me tell you baby bout a girl i know
shes got it all in her pocket with nothin to show
She moves like a river with continuous flow,
but you better watch her closely or she just might pull you under.

if the last line was
but you better watch her closely or she just might pull you in,
or something like that, i wouldnt have carried a theme.

im not saying carrying a theme all the way through songs is a good idea, but sometimes line to line it creates an interesting flow.

Maybe if you carried the circus theme to the next line or started the peaceful angel theme in the first line, it would carry better.


all in all its good, depending on music. as a musician, i find it useless to post lyrics without music or atleast describing the feel and mood of the song.

everything else is good, i spent 15 minutes breaking down two lines, but hey, what the hell. i like the song man.
 
Thanks for the replies folks. I appreciate the input. I havent decided how important rhyme schemes are to me. I also don't always go for stuff that makes sense outside of my own head haha.

This song was written from the prospective of the friend who has passed away. Its a song about hope for the loved ones left behind. "Over The Moon" is a phrase I choose to represent heaven if you will. The 3rd verse also describes a view of heaven or the universe with limitless possibilities not bound by time or space. I know it only makes sense in my own head but sometimes I like ideas to remain a little ambiguous.


Violent5
 
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